If Only

What does anyone see in me? What does “he” see in me? I look in the mirror and it cracks slowly from top to bottom, right down the center of my face and I wonder “what could he possibly see”. I am not pretty like the others and I haven’t traveled the world no I have done nothing gone with the wind fabulous like he has and the world wouldn’t miss me if I were gone like most people. I’m a foolish women in so many ways and I want to be in his arms just for a moment, I so want to know him, the meadow boy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izOdvBmTDh0

I have learned so much from him and I doubt he knows how much  I have grown because of him, how he has held me in my tearful moments, how he has grabbed me every time I have tried to walk away. How can I care so deeply about him and how can I continue to put my heart on hold for him, when I know we shall never be more than we are. He’s my best friend, his voice soothes my broken and shattered world and if he only knew what he really means to me. If he only would look beyond today and into his golden years, if only.

If he would let me, I would walk in the rain with him, play in the mud with him and care for him when he is old and frail, when the fame and fortune mean nothing nothing at all as life’s moments tick away. I so wish to swing on the back porch with him listening to the crickets and watching for shooting stars. If only live could be so easy for a change but that is not my life, my life is one of a fighter and a survivor and those that see only my strength need to look beyond to the broken heart that lies within my chest.

A New Kind Of Stupid

James thinks I am a complete bafoon, he showed up at the door and said he remembered where his wallet was, he said he left it on the washer, what bullshit like I don’t do laundry? Then he said it was on the dryer and I told him he was full of shit. Then he tells me he bought his buddies ipod off of him and I told him “fuck you, you are not coming in and I want my ipod back” and I closed the door. This kid is pushing me and I just might have to drop a quarter on his ass and call his probation officer.

He calls me “ma” like that means anything to me coming from him and I am sick of his crap, helping him was a HUGE mistake but it won’t happen twice. I am not a cold and uncaring person but I am not a complete idiot everyday either, yes sometimes I do have my shit together and do what “normal” people would do. I had a really good day going until he disrupted it and now I am taking deep breaths and trying to calm myself, it takes a lot to get me mad but when I do I stay mad for a while and no that doesn’t mean 1/2 hour later.

He just keeps pushing me and lie after lie I cannot take because lying doesn’t serve me well and never has. Everyone has one thing that rubs them the wrong way and it could be shoes left all over, clothes on the floor, the toilet paper roll on the wrong way and yes I am an over not under, lol. Lying is my Achilles heel and it has a lot to do with my Sag rising as does my spirituality and always helping others, it’s part of my makeup and that will never change. I so enjoy making people laugh and I have been told that I am funny but I don’t see it.

I say things that make people laugh because it’s how I express myself and I don’t plan it, hell it just tumbles out of my mouth as does my frankness. If you don’t want to hear the truth don’t ask me and there are occasions you need not ask because I will tell you anyway. I don’t mean to hurt people’s feelings but I do and I have gotten better at it over the years but some would say different, but I have tried to not be so abrasive but some things you just can’t change and I can be one mean bitch when provoked.

My day was good as I went to the grocery and got the things I needed to make Ry’s favorite birthday cake, Tres Leche and he is going to be tickled pink when Shel and I show up with gifts and his cake on Sunday. I’m going to have to drive from home to Pontiac and spend a few hours with Ry and then to Jackson to get picks of the RV and then back home and the sooner I get those pics the sooner I can hopefully sell the RV. I will sell it this year I am hoping along with the house and my moms property in Florida and my sister isn’t getting shit.

She has been jacking me around since last August regarding the stock my grandmother left me, well I fixed her ass today because she sent me the paperwork a while back and I called the company and pretended to be her. I gave them the info they needed to transfer the stock to myself and I am going to sell it and hopefully dump it by the end of March. I do not want any ties to Florida because there are so many bad memories and the way my grandmother suffered so. John my grandmother’s boyfriend I would so love to trip down the stairs for what he did to her.

Once I dump the property, all of it I will have several hundred thousand dollars to last the rest of my life and I do think it is more than enough to see me to my death. I worry about my kids if something were to happen to me and I need to draw up a new will. People tend to forget to take care of that important document and then when they die, the people they really want to have their stuff and money don’t get it. I have done a lot of stupid things in my life but when it comes to my kids I do not play and am always thinking of them.

My happiness comes from Gabriel and Michael, my angels-they keep me laughing and they sleep up against me at night which is comforting to me. Khloe sleeps at the end of the bed and plays with my toes which of course I tease her with. I lie in bed in the morning and play with my boys and that starts my day off with a smile and that is as it should be and they make me so happy, especially Gabriel because he is the smaller of the two. Khloe is fun to and she is such a crazy cat but she keeps me laughing so much as well.

My life is pretty boring and I don’t leave the house for days at a time because I can’t stand the people in this world and how they act, so rude, selfish and greedy are most and I am not of this century and never can see myself being that way. I pray for guidance and to do what is right and I try so hard to be a good person and do not always succeed but I do try and I am not an evil person with a black heart, in fact I do believe my heart is a new shade of red that most cannot see and never will.

Money Wenches

I cannot believe the crap they have on tv and now I know why I rarely watch it. So many reality shows of the rich and famous and not so famous and the way these wenches act is so nauseating as they spend all day doing nothing but getting their hair and nails done, their fat sucked, Botox, nips, lifts and tucks, shopping and eating at expensive restaurants. I can never imagine myself acting like any of them and when Bob and I had a Christmas party people couldn’t believe we lived in the house we did.

I do not brag and I do not talk of what I have because I worked my ass off to get where I am which isn’t to far but farther than most at the steel mill. The food was awesome (because I made it) lol but I am a damn good cook and can through an awesome party like no other. I am not cheap but I cannot see throwing good money to bad and I do have really good taste but my budget doesn’t stretch that far and I do not think I am better than anyone. I really hate talking to people who have a limited education and by limited I mean those that have closed their minds to the world.

Bob is a prime example and trying to discuss anything with him was a waste of time and all he cared about was impressing others which is so not me and sickened me. Bob wasn’t all  bad but we just were totally mismatched and that is just the way it is. Bettering yourself in life does not include material things but that is what people like, they are impressed with diamonds and furs and I am happy with a feather pillow and clean sheets, maybe I am the one with my priorities all screwed up.

 

The Payback

I have helped so many people and have been screwed time and time again but now I have my laundry list of fuck you’s together- Tony the ass that ripped my off on my website, Doris, the bitch that is withholding my dad’s ashes and the Huron police dept. for making me lose my pets and kids when they threw me in jail for two weeks. These three I will do all I can to see that they have suffered like my kids have because of their lies and greed. I was scammed by someone and it hurt me seriously hurt me financially but I have forgiven him and have written that money off as a karmic debt.

I am not angry at “him” but he seems to be all I have as far as someone to take out my frustration and disappointment on and no it isn’t fair but all of us take out our problems and troubles on those we love. He has had his own troubles and hell to go through and he is finally on the other side and I am glad for him. Things are finally coming together for me financially and I found out today that when I sell my house I don’t have to pay any taxes, yippeeee and I do not have to purchase another home within a time frame either.

I doubt that I will buy another home and I have no idea where I am going to live and not going to worry about that just yet. Now my biggest worry is James trying to break in my home, he called and told me he had $200.00 to give me and I said fine come get your things. He showed up and I had all of his stuff in a bag and when I asked for the money of course he had to get his wallet first and then go to the credit union. When I asked him the name of the credit union the dumb fuck gave me the name of a bank.

I told him he wasn’t taking anything until he gave me the money and the fucker unlocked my sliding glass door and thought he was going to come in when I was at the Dr. Well news for that fucker, I checked the doors before I left because I had a feeling he was going to do just what he did. His mom texted me and asked me to give him his clothes and I would have if he hadn’t lied, he lied about the money in the credit union and I told her if he comes around here again I am having him arrested.

I am learning not to be so trusting and giving and trusting James is like pissing in the wind and he is no longer welcome here for any reason. He lies and then he lies about his lies which I do not have time for because I am done with bullshit and people users. I have always been gullible and too trusting but those days are gone and I am finally waking the fuck up and turning into the bitch I should have been years ago, it doesn’t pay to help people because they just use and abuse you.