The Bus

I remember riding the bus to school when I was in first grade and I had my first boyfriend, his name was Michael and he was of color and my sister and I were the only white kids in the school. Michael and I sat across from each other and I remember those glances and smiles back and forth and then one day Michael followed behind me on the bus and sat next to me. We were so innocent and blind to racism and we would laugh and giggle  and play thumbsies as we bounced up and down as the bus hit the bumps in the road.

I told my grandmother how I had a boyfriend and his name was Michael and he lived down the road. I was unaware that my grandmother paid his mother to do ironing for her and I didn’t know that she was his mom. My grandmother told me in no uncertain terms that I was not to have him as a boyfriend and I was no longer allowed to sit with him on the bus. All she told me is he was “black and we stick with our own kind”. I didn’t understand what she meant but I do know I listened to her or she would make me get a switch off the tree and beat my white ass beat red.

This is how racism is passed from generation to generation and my grandmother was from the south so she was quite prejudice. As I got older I had my grandmother live with me and we were watching tv one evening and Michael Jackson was on and my grandmother said “I hate that greazy (not greasy) nigger”. She never spoke of why she hated people of color and I never asked but could only react in shock and then laughter because to hear her talk like that was funny to me, it’s like hearing your grandmother say fuck, it just doesn’t happen.

I do not look at a person’s color but what the person’s moral fiber is made of and I believe people are people and some are opportunists and like to use race as a cop out. I still hear the “because I am black” remarks and I do not buy the race card because no matter how hard your life is you can turn it around with drive and ambition. There is nothing we cannot accomplish if we dream big and go after that dream and color is no longer an acceptable escape as far as I am concerned.

 

The Hunger The Need

Everyone needs others to help us learn and the toughest lessons are taught to us by others and those lessons serve us well in our lives. All of us have a hunger, a need inside of us that requires nurturing and love to grow and make us be the person we are meant to be. We have three phases in our lives and the first is being born and growing into our teens, adulthood where our second core values are developed and then we become part of the aged, teaching others from our experiences.

Most live normal lives and grow and learn as they should and then there are those of fame that miss out on these important lessons. They do not grow as they should because they are gifted and given everything they want without working for it the way average people do. They get lost in the world of money and fame and find their self-worth is tied to material possessions and they never have the opportunity to learn who they really are and they wear a mask that others see yet they cannot see the true self.

I like to see the real person, stripped down without the fame and money because the core person is the only person I find worth knowing. You can dress yourself up and look gorgeous but if you cannot stand in front of the world dressed down then you do not know what your real worth is. A person’s worth comes from the heart not the wallet and when you value yourself for yourself you become happy and you have to like yourself for yourself, not what is expected of you by the world.

I know someone or should I say I do not know this person as other’s know him, I know him for him and he has low self-esteem because he has found people like him for his fame and fortune and not the real person  inside. He hides that part of himself for fear of rejection as if he weren’t good enough if he wasn’t famous, which is so wrong. He is a beautiful person inside, his heart is huge and he is a true humanitarian but he doesn’t see this in himself for the world has painted him to be someone else.

He can have his fame and fortune and let himself “breath” and enjoy his life as he should if only he would like himself for who he is. I find his fame and fortune to be daunting because that isn’t who he is and I do not think he even knows who he really is. I find fame and fortune to be gross because of the severe damage it has done to his self image and I do believe he has found much unhappiness tied to money and fame. He needs to go back home, his real home of childhood, walk the meadows and ride horses bareback again.

He needs to remember when life was simpler and joy came from riding the range with the wind of time blowing in his face and grab that once was child and embrace him. I would so love to go back to those days with him and show him who he is not what he has to offer. I would so love to remind him that he is priceless without money, he is beautiful without fame and he is worth loving for the man God made him inside. I want him to know what it’s like to be loved for himself and nothing more because this would show him he is pretty special just as he is when stripped of the glory.

I finally understand why he scammed me and it is because he has learned to live a very expensive lifestyle and he didn’t know who he was as a man, but a myth. I do believe he is finally seeing the world does possess people who like him as if he lived next door, yes he is pretty special without anything and I pray one day he loves himself for the wonderful person he really is and no fame and fortune do not hold a place. He has found in me someone who isn’t turned on by his wealth and he doesn’t know how to handle that.

The ladies he has spent his time with are seriously over the top maintenance bitches and he doesn’t know how to deal with a woman who has no desire to be parasitic on his wallet. He doesn’t understand how I can find no love in money because that is all he has known for most of his life and he finds me somewhat a puzzle when the fact is I am no puzzle but a real person. We become what is expected of us and we forget that, that person is not the person we really are and we lose ourselves.

If he would open up enough to let me in if only for a moment he would learn to love the person he is and he could be so successful in his life and success cannot be measured in dollars but must be measured from our own hearts. Look inside yourself my dear and see that you shine so brightly my foster grants cannot protect my eyes from the beauty within you. Throw your wallet into the weeds and show me something, show me something wonderful about yourself, show me you and let me show you happiness.

Please let me take YOU to dinner and let me take You out for a change because I would have it no other way, are you to proud? Do you find it shameful to let a woman be the “man” for the evening? Let me show you my world and you will find love, maybe not in me but within yourself which is more important. You are my friend and always will be and that means more to me than all the money in the world, just to see you smile because you finally see the world is a very happy place with you in it.

When you can muster up the security and want to let me be the “man” for an evening or even for lunch you know how to reach me and the offer is standing until you take me up on it, got that? You fuck lol

Nose

I found out this morning that I snore like a freight train and I realized that I could never sleep with a man because he wouldn’t get any rest. I knew I snored but didn’t realize the walls shook when I was sleeping. How do you tell a guy, hey I can’t sleep with you because I snore so loudly? “C” never said a word to me and I had no idea I am as loud as a stadium filled with raged fans, we never had sex and we actually did sleep. I take meds to sleep and they put me in a deep sleep and maybe that has something to do with my snoring.

Shelby slept with me last night because her room isn’t finished yet and I didn’t want her sleeping on the couch because it isn’t comfortable. I awoke about 7:30 this morning and let her sleep in but Gabriel and Michael wanted her to get up and she woke up by wet tongues licking her face. We had a great evening making pesto and pasta, which she loves and just watching tv and talking and laughing and we are in a place that we enjoy each other’s company so much because I have let her grow up and quit seeing her as my  little girl.

My daughter is so  different from myself, she is quite poised, sophisticated and keeps her opinions to herself if they may hurt another. Shelby is quite mature for her age and the kids at school that are not in her circle are jealous of her because she is so much more than they are because of her life experiences. Shelby believes in God and he is her core, she is dedicated, honest, trustworthy and a leader, Shelby is helpful, kind and very loving and when I look at my daughter I wonder where she got such admirable qualities from.

She has become my “go to” person and she points out the obvious to me which helps me greatly. It never occurred to me to call the police if James were to show up again harassing me but she lit that light inside of me that I do have recourse to get rid of that piece of shit. She is such a gem for the world and I am thankful that God brought her to me and allowed me to raise her and I have been successful, or so it appears. I’m surprised she didn’t get a clothes pin and put it on my nose to shut me up, lol.

I believe that our children choose their parents because we have something to teach the child or children and they have something to teach us and we are blessed by God’s hand to give our children lessons that they could learn from no other. Children are a blessing and to abuse a child is something that happens to build them in a certain way and yes their lives may have been difficult at best when growing up but it was necessary to make the person as they are in adulthood.

I am learning a lesson of forgiveness and my own mother was far from the stellar parent but I have learned much from her and she shaped the person I am. My mother has taught me to be independent and I have also learned that wanting a man to take care of my every need and want is not for me and I have found myself to be so much better off for it. I have to forgive my mother as I would want to be forgiven and her actions have always been associated with mental illness that she would not accept and get help for.

My mother isn’t a hateful person but a person that was consumed from hate from her constant letdowns in life, which she brought mostly upon herself. She is now unable to care for herself and it is so upsetting to me that I cannot help her without hurting myself.  She is still toxic and she was born under a black star which means negativity and a form of evil and her life is as it should be, unfortunately and she is coming to the end of her life and I know she loves me and it’s a shame she never knew me as I truly am.

Obsession

People become obsessed with another generally for the lifestyle they live or what they may have and a perfect example is anyone famous. People fantasize about living that lifestyle or being as talented or gifted as the person they obsess about. Most famous people have had been stalked which is an obsession to the extreme and others will go to the extreme of attending every game, concert, play ect. when someone becomes obsessed with another it has to do with a deep desire to fill an emptiness in their life and they will follow the other person’s every move, when possible.

When you become obsessed with someone your fantasies build and you find yourself becoming lost in thought of this person constantly. Obsession can hurt your reality and keep you from being happy because you can never replace the person you are obsessed with and you compare everyone else to that person. When you do this, you will never find anyone that is good as your obsession and you cannot have healthy relationships in your life. If you are involved or married the obsession slowly destroys that relationship because you constantly compare your signficant other with the person you obsess about.

Obsession can destroy you over time if you let it and you really need to stop the obsession for your own well-being and sometimes you are fortunate enough to meet the person you are obsessed over. If you can meet your obsession I would highly recommend it because your life is in a holding pattern and you are not growing as you should. Meeting your obsession leads to one of three things, you are either greatly disappointed, find the person to be actually average or you fall seriously head over heels in love.

The change of falling head over heels is rare because there usually is no connection between the two of you and the obsession is also generally one sided. If the connection has grown over time then the changes of falling in love with the person is more than possible and the reason most people do not meet their obsession is fear of rejection. Most famous people are used and abused because of who they are and they are used to being given everything and everyone they have ever wanted. When the obsessed is famous and they find someone who doesn’t have any interest in them for their fame they get confused and unsure of who and what they are.

Famous people get lost in their own fame because that is what is elevated in other’s eyes and they feel the pressure to live up to their public’s expectations but when real life slaps them the do not know how to “go home again” and be who they really are. The best thing a famous person can do for themselves is to meet their obsession and let the cards fall as they may and if they let their guard down enough to be who they really are they will find peace within themselves and let go of the obsession and live a life of somewhat normalcy.

I think it’s harder for the famous person when they become obsessed with another because they have been waited on hand and foot and everyone kisses their ass and they learn never to trust anyone. The famous person doesn’t understand rejection in any form because it doesn’t happen to them. They become so fearful of being themselves and afraid of being rejected for that person that they fear taking the step that will resolve the issue of the obsession. 

I am not an insecure person and do not fear meeting anyone and I have never obsessed over anyone in my life, it’s just not my way. I have someone obsessed with me and I invited him to dinner and of course he didn’t show which was no surprise. I really like this person for the person and nothing more but he is so afraid that he will not live up to the expectations that he has learned to conform to and if he would just take a step to meet me he would find he wouldn’t be rejected but he wouldn’t get to pull the bullshit he is used to pulling on others.

He is insecure even though so many think he is a solid man but he has lost himself in the fame game and that makes him insecure because he is used to expensive and fancy and it’s expected of him because of his standing in life. His obsession with me causes him great anxiety which is not good but only he can make the move to meet me and put his fears to rest. He doesn’t realize if we were to meet that it would be like to old friends meeting because I feel that secure with myself and I have no interest in dressing him down unless he acts likes he is “all that”. 

I have never had anyone afraid of meeting me before and it makes me sad that he feels so insecure and fears rejection from me. He is a tender, shy soul that needs love and care just like anyone else but his fear is so great that he will not let himself experience what he needs to find real happiness within himself. He is more than welcome to meet me when he becomes secure enough and he would find that he actually enjoys a simple person that just likes to laugh and enjoy life without the jets, diamonds, trips to France for dinner, ect.