Ego

The ego can make us into someone we are not and there are those that have gone out of their way to make sure someone else knows who they are, as if that is important. I know someone who has drops crumbs along the path for me to pick up and follow him and to find out how rich and famous he is. I wish I never knew who he really was because it doesn’t matter to me and means absolutely nothing to me because no matter who he is, he is not that person to me and never will be.

When you have to rely on your fame and fortune to impress other than you have definitely lost yourself in the roar of the crowd and do not know how to impress people by being yourself and nothing more. “He” wanted me to get a nice hotel for a week while on vacation but I have chosen to stick with the $50.00 dollar a night hotel because if he wants to meet me he has to meet me on my terms and not his or we won’t meet. I am a very simple woman, a bed with clean sheets and a shower is all I need and he is used to the very best.

I am the very best and do not need fancy and classy to prove it because my heart doesn’t lie and I don’t play games and try to impress anyone, take me or leave me the way I am and I don’t expect to meet him anyway. My vacation is about me and discovering parts of myself that I have lost and I know he hates Nigeria because he can’t have his expensive U.K. butter or anything else that he missed while living there. I would like to meet him one day but he doesn’t know how to be himself without all the expensive shit and to try to impress with material shit is a total turn off to me.

I wish he could see he is special to me just the way he is and he need not waste time on impressing me, just be himself and that would be great but I don’t think he knows how because he has had to live up to other’s expectations for years and years. I do believe if we ever met I would ask him for his autograph just to make him feel special and then I would drop my pants and bend over and tell him to sign my ass, lmao. I so enjoy teasing him because he knows it is all in good fun and I don’t have any intention of hurting him. Sometimes, people need to be treated like a nobody to be reminded that they are a somebody.

HAPPY

My attornye is contacting Doris’s attorney and she is going to have to give me my dad’s ashes, that’s if she hasn’t dumped them already. I really need to put my dad at rest so I can get closure. I am so glad he is finally doing something that will put my mind at ease and fuck Doris. I am starting to look forward to my trip and I really need it so badly and I hope Frankie doesn’t leave me in the dark and by myself but if he does I am sure I will find someone to occupy my time with, hell a white girl in Nigeria I should have a pretty good pick of bed fellows and I don’t mean fucking.

I just want to laugh and have a great time and I want to find that damn rooster that keeps crowing because that little fuck needs his neck rung and he needs to be on a dinner table. I still have a shitload of candy canes I didn’t send and some other gifts that I want to give To Chike and the guys and I hope they like them. I do hope to meet Emmanual, yes the REAL Emmanual and I have some things for him as well that I do think he will like. I look forward to my trip because I know I will learn so much, maybe good maybe bad but I will learn.

I have decided to finally go out with Danny, he is friends with my fb Ron I went to school with and he is also a Scorpio which is a dangerous combination-two Scorpios together sizzle and I mean sizzle. I went out with a Scorpio years before I was married and it was without a doubt the best damn sex I have ever had in my entire life. It was like having sex with myself because he was a great kisser and so attentive to my body, he was slow and methodical like I am and a seriously romantic guy, but he was married, o didn’t I tell you I have done some things I am not proud of?

I didn’t know he was married for the first six months and when I found out I was in to deep and couldn’t get myself out until I finally had had enough of being second best and all the lonely holidays. Danny is funny and makes me laugh as we chat on fb all the time and I have finally agreed to meet him next week. Mr. Hockey has finally gotten himself involved with one of his groupie whores and we are still friends but he likes being famous and on top of his game and he likes the ritzy life so I wished him well and maybe he has found the woman he really wants but I doubt it.

I must keep moving forward in my life and let someone love me and let them in as my counselor said so I am going to take the plunge again. I have had issues with “C” but that was to be expected and I don’t bother talking about it because he means absolutely nothing to me and I don’t think he ever did. I have to hold onto the thought that my life can change with every breathe that I take and things are turning around slowly but they are finally turning for me. I have to keep reminding myself that I am a beautiful person and not let anyone take that away from me but I hope I can actually believe it one day.

Awakened

Today, I saw a new counselor and I should have been seeing a man all along, he is great and I get a man’s point of view which is so important to me because women are just bitches and there is no other way for me to say it. He explained to me so much in one hour about myself and he gave me answers I have searched for my entire life but never got validated. He told me the reason I dislike women in general is because of my relationship with my mom and the fact that I was abused is why I am so giving because I want to give to others what I never had just like parents want to give their kids things they never had.

He explained to me that the anger I have at Bob is quite normal and what Doris did is wrong on every level and he told me I have been through so much loss and had no time to grieve and it has built up over the years and has crippled me until I have time to release it. He also told me that the way to help my heart heel is to let someone love me and love them back and I would see my happy level go off the charts. I know this is all quite elementary but when you are in the center you cannot see what is so obvious to others.

He also told me I need to be nice to myself and take a vacation and just relax and enjoy myself and I told him about my trip to Nigeria and he told me to go, go as fast as I can and enjoy myself but I am so afraid that I will be left standing at the airport with my finger up my ass and someone elses hand in my pocket. I am really afraid to go and be left there like an idiot because it is a dangerous place if you do not have someone who knows the safe places to go and my luck I would end up getting hurt or killed.

I’m going to rebook my trip in the next several weeks and I am going for a month and if I am left standing at the airport then I am on my own and will do the best I can to stay away from trouble but I already know being blonde and white is going to draw quite a bit of attraction to me like it did when I went to Mexico in 77′, the kids walked up to me and wanted to touch my hair because they thought it was “golden” lol. I like kids but have a difficult time when they reach those 15/16 yrs. because of the trouble I have had with Ryan and the way kids act these days.

It has to do with how kids are raised and the influences they have in their lives and most parents don’t take the time to put their kids first and be there for them and that is why the world is the way it is today. I have met some pretty awesome teenagers but they are so far and few in between that in general I can’t handle being around them. We reap what we sow and there are parents that love their kids and raise them properly in my eyes but unfortunately they are so few and far between.