Notes Of Life

Music defines me:



Don’t You

Don’t you ever miss home? Don’t you ever miss riding the range bareback? Don’t you ever miss being with your family? Don’t you miss life as you once knew it? Do you look toward the sunset of home and wish you were there? Do you ever wonder what the fan thinks as you are signing her autograph book? Does it phase you at all that this one girl has dreams of loving you and being with you one day? Do you realize the impact you have on so many lives? Do you care? You see only a glimpse of what they see, don’t you?

Do you think of the days when you are old and enjoying your retirement? What means anything to you besides the high life? Yes, you are flesh and blood and you hurt and bleed like the rest of us but do you realize you have the power to change the world for the better? Do you ever think about that? Do you ever get tired of the lack of privacy? The women that want to be with you so they can tell the world? Do you ever look in the mirror and wonder why God gave you the talent you have?

Do you ever wish you could just meet a person that likes you for you and not who and what you have? Do you ever dream of a day that you can be yourself and enjoy your life? Do you ever wonder what I see in you? I do not and cannot see what others see, no I see someone totally different and if I chose to hurt you I could so very easily but I cannot, will not and have no desire to bring anymore pain into your heart. I see someone no one knows exists, I see a man who wears ugly green ties and used to be awoke by the call of the rooster.

It’s funny how we do not see what other see and we cannot feel what they feel, isn’t it? My aunt once asked me what happened to the happy little toe head she called Kim? She once asked me how could I be so happy with an umbrella for Christmas and now how I could be so unhappy with such a beautiful home? She remembered me as an innocent, happy little girl who lost that innocence my the touch of her once husband and a few more ugly betrayals in my life. I was not meant to stay a happy little girl and I have not let myself find happiness for some unknown reason.

I wonder if you are happy and have found the happiness you once felt when you put a ring on it? I wonder if you know what went wrong and why? I wonder if you see me for me and not someone who wants to be parasitic to your fame and fortune. You do not understand how I could not want that but the answer is simple, what matters to me is family and friends and no I am not pretty like the others you spend your time with and I am ok with that because my value is not on the outside.

Do you ever wish you were that young innocent boy again? Do you ever look in the mirror and realize that ugly green tie should have been burned long ago? Do you ever laugh at yourself and realize what an ass you can be at times? Do you? Do you? Do you ever wonder what your life could have been?

Favorite Feel Good

You know what makes me feel really good? I mean really, really good? It’s food, I so enjoy cooking and feeding my friends and family and I would rather have them come over and I cook for them than to go out to eat. I love creating things with food and I enjoy plating food and making an awesome presentation. I  really like to have dinner parties that have like 8 courses and I enjoy watching my friends/fam enjoy what I have made for them, I am a certified pastry chef and make awesome deserts but I like to cook as well.

I like simple meals as well as elaborate and it makes me feel so good when people try something new and I have made it. I like the occasional filet mignon but I am a seafood person, I love crab legs, lobster, shrimp ect and it makes me crazy to see anyone put A-1 sauce or ketchup on a good cut of beef. Shelby doesn’t care for steak but Ry loves it and I have raised my kids to eat beef lightly salted and nothing more. The kids have been asking me for my recipes and I do not have any because I throw stuff together and have learned to cook by taste, not measurement.

I made beer batter shrimp and fries for lunch and once again Shelby asked for my recipe as she watched me put together flour, egg, salt, pepper (both fresh ground) and beer and no I do not have a recipe. I don’t bother with presentation when I’m feeding the kids because they do not even notice it and dive right in.




Shelby and I drove to Florida and we had the best time just chatting and I had her laughing so hard she peed herself several times. She thinks I am so funny when I was actually being serious. There was no heat in my mom’s car, brake shoes to rotors, no wiper blades and the rear tire blew out on the inside and looked like it had been pulled apart. God was protecting me because when the tire blew we were across the street from a tire shop.  We stopped at 3 p.m. for breakfast and didn’t eat dinner until midnight when we got home.

I took off my shoes and my ankles were seriously blown up as were my feet and they were frozen because there was no heat in the car. My feet were so cold I couldn’t feel them and I do believe they swelled up because the blood froze from my ankles down. Shel saw my ankles and busted out laughing and said I had “kankles”, which means you can’t tell where your leg ends and your ankles begin because they are so swollen, hence kankles. We didn’t get out and stretch enough and walk around getting the blood flowing.

I was so cold and didn’t bring a coat because when we left Mi. because I didn’t think I would need it, how fucking stupid of me. I ended up wearing Shelby’s letter jacket  and I took her mittens and put them on my frozen feet but that didn’t help much. When we got home I had her get the electric blanket and put it on my bed and I was so cold I slept in my clothes, for the second night because the motel we stayed at was really nasty but we were so tired we couldn’t drive any longer. 

Gabriel and Michael pissed everywhere that other dogs had pissed in the room and they did what dogs do, they pissed on the piss, it was a nasty room but when you are exhausted you just fall over. Our trip was not one for pleasure and my mom’s motor home is trashed but I will see what she owes on it and probably trade it in and get another one instead of losing the one she has. I am a terrible driver so I may end up killing myself by driving such a rig but I hope not, shit does happen though.

I’m thinking about moving to Texas and living in the motor home instead of buying property because I don’t want to be bothered with the upkeep and motor homes are really nice these days and you can pick up and go whenever you want. I so want to go to Wyoming and go fishing, I have never been out west and I want to go so badly and having a motor home would be nice because my home would be on wheels. I’m selling my rv here because I don’t want to be bothered with it any longer.

I love traveling and I love road trips when I am not driving and I had to laugh at Shelby because she got so excited when we drove past cows and horses. I realized how very lucky I was to grow up on a farm and have horses and how they gave me so much in so many ways. I find my peace in the land and so many people do not appreciate what a farm can bring into your life and the lessons you can learn. When we drove through Kentucky I felt like I was home again because that is where some of my family is from.

So How Stupid

am I mother? You always called me whore, stupid and many more names and I still tried to help you. I told my mother not to have surgery for a faulty valve in her heart until the following month but she didn’t listen. Mercury was retrograde which is why I told her no surgery for a month but she didn’t listen. When mercury is retrograde having surgery is a definite no no because you will have complications and she did, she has had two strokes since the surgery which has left hef unable to walk, write her name, affected her eye sight and communication skills.

People think I am stupid for looking to the stars for guidance but they have served me well over the years and helped me make decisions. I am a Scorpio which rules the bladder, colon, prostate gland, urinary system and the male and female sexual organs and I have tons of problems with my solid waste elimination organs. I carry my emotions in my bowels and that effects me greatly as the upset I feel at times leads me to have bowel problems. I know that my son has had problem’s with his ankles and he is an Aquarius, which rules ankles.

Our ankles and feet keep us on the move and when they reject us, we are unable to walk or run which can be devastating for some people. I couldn’t imagine having to quit playing a sport I loved because my body no longer put up with my abuse on that part of the body. I am going to have to see a dr. about my physical problems because it isn’t acceptable to not have control when it is so necessary. As long as I am not upset I am ok but when I am then the problems begin. I was talking to my bf and she has similar problems.

I am eating mostly fruits and veggies with a little chicken or fish and that helps but not enough so I will have to get this problem under control. I tore my rotor cuff and have babied that shoulder and it seems to be getting better because I willl not go under a knife. I broke my patella in a car accident that wasn’t my fault and I have had two surgery’s to repair it but I still cannot run or even jog. I have always had problems with my feet as well and that is my pisces moon acting up and finding comfortable shoes isn’t so easy for me.

So I wonder mother, how stupid am I?