I was informed of a health situation that requires serious mind over matter to fight and today I got some really great news, the dr. had a cancellation and can take me tomorrow for surgery which is God’s way of saying I will be fine. It’s hard when you have no one to talk to about such issues and no family to rely on. I have big Rick and he has agreed to drop me off at the hospital but he thinks I’m going to get a mole removed, I am not one that wants anyone’s pity and I will not discuss even in my blog what is going on with me.
I have discussed my options with my dr. and tomorrow could be the first and last step or there could be several steps after tomorrow. I am prepared for the worse and thinking nothing but the best because I have children to take care of and I am not quite done yet as I have much to do. I have so much anger built up at Bob, James, Brandin and myself along with the dr.’s report and I am terrible at lashing out at those I love without telling them why. I feell terrible for what I have said to someone and there is no excuse and I can be so mean and hateful when I am hurt.
I wish this person could understand how I feel but this cannot be because only I know how I really feel and I am scared, scared to fucking death that things will go south but I will not lie down and let this thing take over my life, I am just to damn mean. I have such remorse I cannot describe how bad I feel for hurting this person, and yes I know I hurt him and wanted to because I was so damn hurt but that isn’t the way to deal with situations and I was wrong, so very wrong and I can never make it right and I know it.
Things would have been different if this person would have just answered my questions without avoiding answering but I am sure it was to prevent from hurting me. People that know me know that I prefer honesty and I am quite realistic, especially when it comes to men. I have found men must have a woman in their lives and not only for sex and any man who says he doesn’t want to have a relationship is full of shit. Men are needy and when they become divorced or widowed more likely than not they remarry within two years.
I think all of us have been involved with someone we liked as a person but the spark was missing and we do not want to hurt that person, we continue to tell them we love them knowing that we do love them but not in love with them. It’s very hard to walk away from someone who has become a friend and lover and we know what we are doing is wrong but cannot help ourselves. Men have a difficult time leaving a relationship that doesn’t serve them and usually won’t until they meet someone who gives them the spark they need.
We also know when the person we are with isn’t “with us” but we choose to ignore the signs and when the relationship finally crashes and burns, we look back and say to ourselves “why didn’t I see this coming?” we saw it coming but refused to listen to that voice inside of us warning us. Most people have no desire to hurt another but the need inside of them calls, no it screams at us and we must follow it knowing we will really hurt the one we are with. No matter how kind you are when breaking up, the other person is going to be hurt and we must expect that and just be as nice as possible is all we can expect from ourselves.