All I Could Say Was Ok

I was informed of a health situation that requires serious mind over matter to fight and today I got some really great news, the dr. had a cancellation and can take me tomorrow for surgery which is God’s way of saying I will be fine. It’s hard when you have no one to talk to about such issues and no family to rely on. I have big Rick and he has agreed to drop me off at the hospital but he thinks I’m going to get a mole removed, I am not one that wants anyone’s pity and I will not discuss even in my blog what is going on with me.

I have discussed my options with my dr. and tomorrow could be the first and last step or there could be several steps after tomorrow. I am prepared for the worse and thinking nothing but the best because I have children to take care of and I am not quite done yet as I have much to do. I have so much anger built up at Bob, James, Brandin and myself along with the dr.’s report and I am terrible at lashing out at those I love without telling them why. I feell terrible for what I have said to someone and there is no excuse and I can be so mean and hateful when I am hurt.

I wish this person could understand how I feel but this cannot be because only I know how I really feel and I am scared, scared to fucking death that things will go south but I will not lie down and let this thing take over my life, I am just to damn mean. I have such remorse I cannot describe how bad I feel for hurting this person, and yes I know I hurt him and wanted to because I was so damn hurt but that isn’t the way to deal with situations and I was wrong, so very wrong and I can never make it right and I know it.

Things would have been different if this person would have just answered my questions without avoiding answering but I am sure it was to prevent from hurting me. People that know me know that I prefer honesty and I am quite realistic, especially when it comes to men. I have found men must have a woman in their lives and not only for sex and any man who says he doesn’t want to have a relationship is full of shit. Men are needy and when they become divorced or widowed more likely than not they remarry within two years.

I think all of us have been involved with someone we liked as a person but the spark was missing and we do not want to hurt that person, we continue to tell them we love them knowing that we do love them but not in love with them. It’s very hard to walk away from someone who has become a friend and lover and we know what we are doing is wrong but cannot help ourselves. Men have a difficult time leaving a relationship that doesn’t serve them and usually won’t until they meet someone who gives them the spark they need.

We also know when the person we are with isn’t “with us” but we choose to ignore the signs and when the relationship finally crashes and burns, we look back and say to ourselves “why didn’t I see this coming?” we saw it coming but refused to listen to that voice inside of us warning us. Most people have no desire to hurt another but the need inside of them calls, no it screams at us and we must follow it knowing we will really hurt the one we are with. No matter how kind you are when breaking up, the other person is going to be hurt and we must expect that and just be as nice as possible is all we can expect from ourselves.

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Virgo Moon

The Virgo Full Moon on February 25 is a journey into our dreams, ideals and imagination. We use visualization to create the New Earth. LOVE is our weapon of choice. Pisces says, “Live from your heart.” We have the Sun, Chiron, Mars, Neptune and Mercury in Pisces. Pisces is a most powerful sign for creating wealth and our heart’s desire. Pisces is ruled by Neptune and Jupiter. When you imagine (Neptune) what you desire and believe (Jupiter). You can make it happen. Dreams do come true. “You do not have to have money to attract money, but you cannot feel poor and attract money. The key is, you have to find ways of improving the way you feel from right where you stand before things can begin to change: By softening your attention to the things that are going wrong, and by beginning to tell stories that lean more in the direction of what you want instead of in the direction of what you have got, your vibration will shift; your point of attraction will shift-and you will get different results.” ~ Abraham The Virgo Full Moon is in harmonious aspect to serious Saturn and powerful Pluto. Saturn and Pluto can empower us to achieve our goals. They will give us the resources we need to do what we must. However, the Virgo Full Moon is asking us to release our false identities. For instance, these are the roles we play to be accepted. These false behaviors have been imposed upon us by the externals, the television, religion, government, culture and family. Creator desires that we live authentically and powerfully. Be who you really are. Then we are free from the illusions of this world. In other words, we must love Self (Higher Self) more than the need to be accepted. Pisces is the last sign of the zodiac. We must master our Pisces consciousness to Ascend off the wheel of karma. Pisces teaches us that we graduate from 3D consciousness by practicing compassion and forgiveness for Self and others. We must learn the lessons of the Piscean Age ending. The Age of Aquarius is dawning. We live in a time where both are overlapping. Pisces is spiritual, creative, talented, gifted and sensitive. The Pisces part of us must be free to create. Pisces is highly intuitive and psychic. We are increasing in our psychic and intuitive abilities. We are Ascending daily. We want to trust our intuition. We want to trust our gut instincts. These will never fail us. The mind, our eyes can be fooled by the ego. The Soul-Self knows Truth. Trust your Inner Knowing. Use it like a muscle daily. The more you strengthen your intuition the stronger it becomes. The Virgo Full Moon reminds us that we are multidimensional beings. Our past, present and future lives are running simultaneously in the NOW. The Ascension process is challenging at times. This is true. We want to be proactive not reactive. We want to come from LOVE not fear. We are changing our DNA structure. Thus, we must practice Extreme Self-Care. Getting plenty of rest, quiet time, reflection and meditation are requirements to stay balanced and grounded. Virgo reminds us to cleanse and purify our body, mind and heart. We are being cleansed by Creator’s LOVE/Light energy. This is why the world is in turmoil. We are living through transitional times. Thus, Creator’s cleansing energy is causing chaos within and in the world. We need to balance the male and female energies in each of us. Male dominance has brought us to the brink of world destruction. This challenging cleansing cycle will bring us back to balance. The present is perfect. Life may not be exactly the way we want it. But, the present will get us to be where we desire. The Virgo Full Moon is showing us that acceptance heals our heart. Accepting the choices other people make will free us. We will feel lighter. We will feel better. For instance, when we release our need to fix, save and rescue others. Accepting the choices that others make allows them to learn from their experience. The Virgo Full Moon is rich in a wealth of important insights, awareness’s and understandings. Pay attention to the messages you are receiving around the Full Moon February 23 – 28. This is your Soul Self providing you the answers you need. Your Soul knows your soul contracts. Those agreements you must fulfill to Ascend. Mercury the messenger in Pisces is retrograde at the Full Moon. The power of the feminine, our intuition and receptivity are strong in 2013. Mercury Retrogrades in the feminine water signs Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces. This occurs for over six months of the year. This is a powerful message from Creator. The female energies are flooding the collective consciousness cleansing and purifying humanity. This cleansing is intense and at times painfully uncomfortable. However, this is our essential step in our soul evolution. That which is not built in Truth and Love must die. We want to be the calm in the storm: practice being calm, centered and safe. Let go of the illusion of control and let God (Higher Self) be in control. The Sun in Pisces reminds us not to escape reality by seeing the best in someone or something. In this way, we can avoid disappointment. The Moon in Virgo encourages us to exercise discrimination in our choices. Keeping busy in personal pursuits will make for a happy Virgo Moon. For instance, this is a terrific time to dream, meditate, draw, write, play, and create. Imagine your life exactly the way you desire. Now, imagine the world in total peace, beauty and prosperity. Make love not war is the power of the feminine and female values. Only World Peace can create lasting prosperity for our human family. All Are One. You are a powerful creator. You are a powerful manifestor. We can use the power of our imagination to create the world we want to experience. Saint Germain’s Great Golden Age Will Be Realized by Gaia (Mother Earth) and her children (you and I.) The Light was winning from the beginning. Always Victory! “We as a collective have the power to create the Golden Age on this planet. If a critical mass of people makes that decision and then insists in the face of all opposition, the Golden Age will come with mathematical certainty.” ~Power of Creation, Portal 2012 Love and Peace, Kelley Rosano

The Molested Mind

When you are molested you not only lose your innocence, you lose your self worth and when you have parents that strip you of your self respect as well, life becomes more than a challenge. People have no idea how damaging it can be to the person that is molested and how the self image is destroyed and trying to build yourself up again becomes a challenge you entire life. You cannot see the good in yourself that others see and when you look into the mirror you see someone who is worthless.

There are moments of clarity when I see myself as I am but those moments are far and few in between and trust issues are always at the forefront of your mind. People that lie, steal and cheat you do only one thing to you and that is destroy any progress you have made in rebuilding yourself. We need to be able to trust others because it is part of living and when that is stripped from you it affects every corner of your life, the molested do not have “normal” lives because we try to overcome something that is so horrific that we can never forget it.

A child has a memory, a very long memory and I for one can remember times in my life that most people cannot go back that far. When you try to open yourself up to someone and they continually let you down then you feel worthless as I feel right this very moment. I do not feel that I am good enough for anyone and I so wish I could change those feelings but I cannot. I know I am a good person but I do not see that person and my self worth is in the negative numbers because of how my life has been.

We tend to need more love, more kisses, more hugs and we have a hard time believing that anyone wants to be with us for anything but sex. Sex is something that should be experienced and enjoyed not something used to control and manipulate others or to fill a sick void in someone elses mind. We feel more than most and we try as we may to give and help others and that is our way of trying to find acceptance in such a twisted world that we are surrounded by. There is nothing worse than losing who you are because you do not know what you want to be when you grow up other than accepted for who you are.

I’ve Only Just Begun

I just filed a police report on James for stealing my ipod, jawbone, a custom ring and Shelby’s clothes and this will be a felony charge on his ass. That son of a bitch went through my drawers when I wasn’t home, pretended to be the police when knocking on my door at 8:30 a.m. and he even went so far as to unlock my sliding glass door when he thought I wasn’t watching him. This kid has no idea how deep my wrath goes and I will see his probation officer this morning and let her know he does not live at my address and is facing possibly 2 felony charges, selling weed and hanging with a guy that is on probation as well.

I have been good too to many people for way to long and I am sick to death of being lied to and stolen from, I cannot stand a boy/man who will not be man enough to be honest with me and I have no room in my life for those that think not answering me with a straight answer is going to keep me as a friend. I am the only one that can stop others from treating me the way I do not want to be treated and I am finally standing my ground and standing up for myself. There comes a time in our lives when we have to either “shit or get off the pot” and that time for me is now.

I got a ticket in Georgia and went to their website and wouldn’t you know there is no ticket pulling up so I am wondering if I made a good impression with the officer after he gave me the ticket. I told him he was so polite and asked if all the police in Georgia were that nice and I admitted I was wrong and he was only doing his job and explained the situation with my mom. I also told him to have a safe and good afternoon so maybe, just maybe that ticket disappeared but I am going to have to make a call and find out for sure.

 

Little Girl

Inside of me is a little girl yearning to get out and live life happily, she cries by herself and relieves the pain in her heart and runs from the pain of striking hands and fists. The little girl is deep inside of me hiding in a place unknown yet she screams and no one hears because she is hidden. she runs and plays, as she swings from the tree, she is a child lost trying to find her way, she gives, she teaches, she learns, she leads, just a little girl running in circles. She is a little girl of three remembering the day a man took her innocence away and she remembers the pain and confusion of the lost soul she has become.

She doesn’t want to grow old but to stay an innocent when her life was safe, when love was pure, when chasing the chickens was fun. She knows that life is a teacher of lessons, some good some bad and some indifferent. She has learned not to trust her heart to anyone and she has been taught that love is a lie, a blind fucking lie that all of use strive for, even the little girl. She can’t change what was and she cannot forget what she had, all taken away with a wave of a hand, she fears to love and to be loved and she fights what she feels in her heart.

She is happiest when she is on water, fishing the sea as it gives her the peace she needs to feel, fishing is her escape, it is her way and she shares this part of herself with fewer than few. She is not wanting, she is not greedy, she is not perfect and she is even feeling lesser than a human being. She can be no one but herself but that just isn’t good enough, never good enough, never kind enough, never loving enough, she is not enough and never will be and she knows it. She isn’t pretty like so many others and she isn’t what most want as they see only a person, a face, a body.

No one can see inside this little girl because they refuse to look past the physique, they want beauty, arm candy, a talent-people want what others will find attractive on their arm. This once innocent little girl is tainted in many ways and not accepted for who she is because that is not acceptable. Maybe one day, someone will love her and make her feel loved and wanted for who she is but she doubts there is another that can see beyond the deep blue eyes and into her heart, maybe one day but she doesn’t believe so.