Theology

My daughter and I were talking about Theology and how being gay is either a choice or life experiences. We were also discussing gay marriage and she doesn’t believe that a gay couple should raise a child because children are shaped my both the male and female parent, and I must agree with her. Gay marriage was never discussed until aids became out in the open and my opinion is marriage is for the procreation of children, the only thing to gay guys can procreate is one big shit.

I am a traditionalist in many ways and marriage is one of them, I do not believe you should marry because the woman is knocked up, for money, for fame, for greed. I think marriage in the eyes of God  should not require a written contract which is a combination of church and state. One time, men owned their wives and were allowed to beat and mistreat them but that is no longer true. If a man were ever to beat me I would kill him, no questions asked because of the way I was raised.

When you are raised in an abusive environment the is a piece of you that is locked away and when someone abuses you their life can be in jeopardy because that anger you have locked away is opened up and escapes and the person that violated you discovers someone they never knew existed. My daughter and I both agree that life experiences that we have long forgotten do affect our lives and I have seen first hand what a little girl molested can turn into, hence my sister. I do not feel the need to remarry but it seems the only way I can have a good relationship with a man is willing to commit legally.

The pain I learned when going through my divorce that never went through was enough to  last me an entire lifetime and I never want to go through something like that every again. I can honestly say I am scared of marriage and scared of getting involved with someone because I fear the pain that comes with the letdown of a failed relationship. I never want to hurt anyone and I surely do not want to be hurt, I have found not a single man that makes me tick, really tick, someone who makes me laugh and can be silly and someone who will tell me to shut the fuck up when I need it.

I need a man who is strong yet gentle but will not put up with my shit but not slam me either. I don’t want or need rich and famous but I do need a man who is employed and is willing to go to places most won’t. I need someone who is exciting and creative, open, honest and willing to be adventurous, someone who will listen to me when I need to vent and hold me when I need to cry. I need someone who will accept me for me and just let me do what I have to without trying to control me.

I do not understand why I accept a man for who he is but he wants to always change the person I am. If you are with me you are with me no matter if I flirt and joke with others and if you cannot handle that then you have the wrong woman in your life. People marry for the wrong reason and love is the wrong reason, you should never marry for love because love doesn’t keep a marriage going. You need a partner that will stand behind you and cheer you on when you are just about to give up, a partner that encourages your growth as a person, someone that is your best friend and wont blow smoke up your ass but hand you a dish of reality when you get full of yourself. 

Marriage is a partnership that is more than love, so much more but people generally marry for very selfish reasons and some of us have felt so alone that we were willing to marry for companionship knowing in our hearts that the decision is wrong. Some of us have committed ourselves to a relationship because we felt there would never be another that we could be with that would fulfill our needs and some of us have made some really fucked up decisions and hurt the person by changing our minds.

I have had more men come and go in my life in the last four months then I could have ever imagined and none of them have given me what I really need. I am so different from other women and men find me intriguing and exciting because I am like their best male friend and gf all rolled into one. I do not need a man to buy me anything because I can buy what I need for myself and do and I am not one who is won over with gifts and your money is your own, you earned it not me so I do not want what I haven’t earned myself.

The woman who says she wants to earn her own money is the first one that want as much as possible from a man during a divorce, she is the one that likes to flaunt money in any form and she is the one to watch for because she will cut you at the knees. You will never see me go under a knife to improve my physical appearance and you will never see me envious, what you will see is someone that has learned life is a series of good and bad lessons and life makes us no promises or guarantees.

I want to kiss a man and feel something besides the kiss, I want to have that butterfly’s in the stomach feeling, toe curling sex, someone who likes me just the way I am without wanting to change a think about me but to accept the good as well as the bad and help me improve on myself for myself. I do not know if a man exists like that in the world but I do know I have never met a single man like the one I would be happy with. Maybe I am meant to be alone for the rest of my life, who knows?

Enough

Sometimes, you just have to accept that the person you care deeply about doesn’t think you are good enough for them and that is when you have to say to yourself “there is someone out there that will love me for exactly who I am”. This is where I am at and I have to just accept what is before me.

I’ve been trying to hook up with Danny but for some reason one thing or another keeps coming up, we were going to go to the DIA on wed. but of course I cannot make it as I have a counseling appt. which is more important to me. Danny and I instant message all the time on fb and he is so damn funny.

He started reading my posts and thought I was so sex starved I would fuck anyone at anytime but he has found out quite differently and he has learned quite a bit about where I am at with my kids/Bob/legal shit ect. and it’s kool to chat with someone who has an understanding of who you are, at least a bit.

I know he is a real person because Ron knows him and we seem to have so much in common but then  again people will say anything so I am leery. I have told him that I wish I could just fuck someone but I can’t and never will because I will never go against my own morals and I respect myself to much.

I talk a lot of shit but when it comes down to it I am so opposite of the shit I spew and I really don’t give a fuck what people think of me but he seems to like chatting with me. It’s time to just hook up with someone and be friends and see where it goes because the person I have let hold my heart doesn’t give a shit about me and never really did.