Have you ever met someone and said you liked that person just the way they are, but you actually didn’t? I have been telling someone who I like him just the way he is but I have realized thats not true and I have finally realized he is who he is and I have to accept what I do not care for, which is his fame and fortune. That makes up a huge part of who he is and I cannot accept only part of him but I ¬†must accept him in his entirety and I have no choice but to accept that part of his life if I am to love him completely.

He has learned so much by his fame and fortune and he can teach me so much more than I could ever teach him about the world. I can teach him about his inner world, himself and show him how to return to a place that gives him so much comfort. I think he has been hurt as much as I have but in different ways but it’s still hurt and we have these lessons specific to ourselves and we learn and we are able to help others from those painful experiences. He isn’t one of those rich snobby bastards unless someone treats him like shit and then yes he can be a prick.

I am finally accepting that I do love him and I know he loves me and I know one day we shall meet and we will be together as we should be because he is my soulmate and I am his. I think he fears me because he fears being hurt and all I can say is open up hon, let me in and then and only then judge me, judge me for the person I am and I can judge you for the person you are. I think the only difference between him and an average guy is he can spend money like water and he does but I do know he isn’t happy and cannot purchase what he really needs.

It’s so important for me to have his friendship, not his gifts or what he can do for me ¬†because I am the one that has a gift for him, one that cannot be purchased. It is the gift of life as it should be, a life that makes him smile when he wakes in the morning, a life of simple happiness and if he feels the only way he can show me who his is, is by trying to impress me then so be it. It would be so embarrassing to me to accept any type of gift from him and I do so hope he can impress me just by being himself.

I love this man and there is no one in this  world for me other than him, I cannot have sex with anyone else because I feel as if I were cheating on him and felt that way when I kissed another man. I accept him in his entirety and I love him for who he is, all  of him and I just want to see him smile, hear his laugh and run in the rain hand in hand with him. The trip to Nigeria is going to be one of helping me quiet my restless soul and if he so chooses, he can meet me there and if not then so be it.

On My Way

I will be so glad when the dr. visits and treatments are over, things went well but then there is the future preventative treatments that are not to bad but still annoying and I will be done with them at the end of March . There have been so many days that I have just wanted to lie down and exit into an infinite sleep but I am not allowed to do that. As long as I have  to breathe I am not finished doing what I am suppose to, I have not touched all the people I should and I have not finished learning the lessons that are for me alone.

I do not blame my life on a series of misfortunes, my life has been one lesson after another and those lessons have taught me to teach others what they think they do not know, I am to help others to find their path in life and do what the good lord has put me on this earth to do and that is to teach what I have learned, to give without being used, to love a true love and to be one day happy. I have faith that I will be happy one day when God sees it is my time but until then, I will forge onward and keep improving on myself.

I am surrounded by liars and thieves and that includes my own sister, I left her a message telling her that she is to follow through on her words as far as burying my mother and she left me a message asking where my mom was, as if she didn’t know, she has not returned a single call to anyone regarding my mother and she pretends she doesn’t know where she is but she knew enough to send her a package at Christmas. My sister’s greed is ¬†so nauseating and she will let my mother be cremated in a mass cremation and burial through the state of Florida.

She doesn’t want to pay me 1/2 of the monthly fees to maintain my mother’s property and she is signing off on the property, my sister has no idea what lies ahead of her and neither do I but I do know she will find herself incapacitated as my mother is but my sister no doubt will be locked into a body and her mind will drive her crazy. My sister seems to forget that karma will get her and she continues to keep doing evil things and it makes me sad to know that she can be so hateful and greedy.

My sister has know idea what I am going through health wise and she wouldn’t care anyway so I accept that and know I have a sister in name only and it really hurts my heart but she has never cared about my brother or myself and she wouldn’t even give up the money to bury my brother. I try not to think of these things because they are painful and serve no good for me and I try not to have to much anger in my heart because it only hurts me and I know that and will be dealing with my anger in counseling.

I am no where near as angry as I was but I do admit I still have anger towards Bob and I have learned that those feelings are part of the grieving process and the anger I had towards him when he was alive. I do not feel guilty about this anger as it was warranted from Bob’s actions while alive. Anger can destroy us but it can also be healing in many ways but I do not know if I will ever be healed because I have no one to make me feel good about myself, no one to share myself and my life with and that is what helps us move on.