This is my year, my year to let go of things and people who no longer serve a purpose in my life, a house that no longer gives me the feel of safety and comfort, surrounded by reminders of another way, another life. I am starting to pack up the shit I will keep so I can have an auction house come in and sell the remainder, which is quite extensive and holds to many memories. I do believe I will purchase another smaller home here so my kids have a place when I leave the state.
I know I can walk away and leave the kids to fend for themselves but that isn’t me and as long as God provides me with enough to live on then I have no problem seeing my kids grow and make their own ways eventually. Being a mom and their only parent keeps me focused on what is truly important in this life and always being there for my kids and taking care of them is what I shall always do. I will find my way by myself but the kids will always have me.
I find myself pulling further and further away from someone I care very much for because when I i.m. him he has hearts dropping and they are not for me. I am insane, doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result which of course never happens. I have been dating again and so far all I can say is it sux and everyone wants to get laid on the first date, which doesn’t happen with me because I need more from another person than a physical release.
I am quite valuable as a person and I am rich in ways most can never be or ever will be and I deserve all the happiness coming to me and I embrace it with vigor and vitality. I am going out to dinner Friday with someone who I have chatted with for sometime on my fb and I find him to be very nice and funny. I have no idea what he looks like which is fine with me because I do not need to see a picture to know I like this person. I think it’s better to get to know someone without a picture first because then you are not persuaded by their appearance.
We tend to be drawn to attractive people and we get so caught up in their appearance that we cannot see the person for who they really are, what they really hold dear and what morals and standards they have. I am going really slow this time because I do not want to hurt this person in any way and I want him as a friend and I will not fuck up a friendship for a night of cheap sex. I have this feeling that he may just be the one that I give my mind as well as my body to and it is quite a delightful feeling.
It doesn’t matter what you feel for someone else if they do not show you they feel the same and I have opened my eyes and see I mean nothing to someone I care for so it’s time to take back my power and live my life for myself and no one else. He can dream and fantasize his life away for all I care because I have chosen to live mine the way it should be lived, no excuses and no apologizes. I do not want him in my life or to know anything about it because he may love me but he doesn’t care about me from what I see.