After Affects

I have been through quite a month physically and it has finally taken it’s toll on me, things that wouldn’t usually bother me really get on my last nerve because I am so fucking tired. I am not used to being this tired and I am not used to not being able to do things myself and get things done. I cannot even sweep the kitchen floor without sitting down and taking a long break, that is how damn exhausted I am. My dr. has told me I will feel like this for about a month or so afterward.

I didn’t realize I would be this damn tired and continue to feel like this during my trip and I do so hope it doesn’t ruin my vacation. I do not drink often and I was planning on having a few tequila nights but it doesn’t look like it is going to happen. I like semi sweet wines and I had a half of glass the other night and wow it knocked me for a loop and I had to put my drunk ass to bed, the dr. told me no drinking but of course I had to push the envelope and I learned my lesson.

I get drunk super easy because I drink so rarely so I must keep myself in check or I will end up drunk and puking and that isn’t pretty. My trip cannot come soon enough for me because I really need to relax and rest. Frankie has me all fucked up wanting me to spend one night in Lagos and then going to Asaba, doesn’t make sense to me but Frankie doesn’t make sense quite a bit to me. We talked today and I had a very difficult time understanding him because the connection wasn’t the best.

I am so looking forward to meeting Ms. Kimberly and I smile everytime I think of her and he tells me some of the shit she does, lol. She sounds like quite the handful and I love when kids are like that but I do like to be able to give them back to their parents because I just do not have the energy I once had. Kids are great fun and they always say and do the darnest things but they require so much energy that I do not look forward to taking care of my grandchildren because I know I cannot keep up with them, that is when they are born.

I get on with kids really well because I can relate to what they are going through or what they have experienced and they appreciate an adult that treats them as an equal instead of a kid. All kids want is someone who listens, understands and who can relate without belittling them and making them feel inferior. I think of my Bess when I talk of young kids and I try not to but I cannot help it especially this time of year because this is the week I lost her to a miscarriage.

Well, this one is wiped and trying to hang on for a bit longer but I do believe sleep is taking over, I usually am in bed by nine, I know I am an old lady but I need so much sleep, like ten hours and I do not understand how others can operate on 4-5 hrs. I guess I have turned into a stick in the mud but that is ok because I am getting on alright. Life is getting better each and everyday and I am thankful for what I have and where I am at and I am obviously headed in the right direction.

So Over This

I am so fucking tired I can hardly stand, my feet have been swollen for weeks even though I am taking water pills given to me by my dr. but it doesn’t seem to be doing any good. This damn radiation has really knocked me for a loop and I should be resting instead of working my ass off. Shelby should have helped me more but we were so enjoying spending time together that I didn’t push it, I have given her carte blanche for her senior year because that means so much to everyone that is graduating.

kim

I have spent so much damn money on her prom dress, graduating trip and I am trying to save for a car but I have put to much of myself aside to make her senior her nothing less than wonderful. I was never allowed to date in high school and I had to sneak around. I never went to a single dance, my prom or anything that a senior should be doing because my mother was, well let me leave that alone. I have spent money saved for my trip on my daughter and I am so hoping that the guy that wants to buy items at my rv comes through.

God has brought so many positive changes in my life and I am so thankful because it is my time, this is my year for all positive changes and moves and things are on a roll in my favor. I have met so many men and I havent been looking and this is so odd to me. I have yet to have sex with any of them but I have literally slept with one, yes we slept no sex, no bj’s, no kitty lickin nope nadda nothing that deep because I do not let myself go to just anyone that easily.

It’s been nice to be respected for my beliefs and those that did not are no longer part of my circus and never will be. I will never sleep with someone I do not love, not now not ever because I am old fashioned and do have morals and my integrity and I refuse to be a notch on anyone’s belt. I keep smiling even though I am dog tired and I am so glad I kept Bob’s shower chair because I have had to use it quite a few times in the last month for fear of falling in the shower because I have been so weak.

My kids do not know and they need not know because life is hard enough on them as it is and I refuse to bring more worries into their lives. I so wish I had just one man who I could lean on during this time but that isn’t happening, it’s not for lack of men but for lack of trusting them on my part. I’ve learned not to share too much with anyone anymore because people are not there for you, they are there for themselves and I wish for once I could find someone who was there for me and me alone.

Walk Closely

I am not one to preach religion and no I do not proclaim to be the best I can be quite yet and I am definitely not better than anyone else. I walk closely with God and I try to live my life the best way I know how without hurting others. I believe that we must live from the heart and do good to and for others and I believe that I have numerous faults but I try damn hard to  be a good person. I have never given up hope that I can make things better for others in some way.

I believe my time on this earth is to help others, show them a new way and give them renewed hope that life can and will be better. I try to stay positive and when the negative tries to take over my life I shun it as quickly as I can and sometimes that happens immediately and sometimes it takes quite a bit longer. I refuse to carry malice in my heart and I have turned my back on hating and revenge and I will no longer entertain such thoughts as they only hurt me.

When you experience a tremendous amount of loss in your life your entire view changes and you can either be very bitter and angry or you can let that go for a pure heart with good intentions. I refuse to let anyone jade my life and I refuse to let rejection take me down and destroy my self image. I am one with myself finally and that is when life began to change, life began to get easier and I feel so much lighter, so much more carefree. I have learned to help those that will help themselves and I no longer let people trample me.

I used to be so damn angry but that is now gone and all I carry within my heart is love and understanding for those that are lost and confused as I once was. I no longer judge so harshly and I know longer seek revenge on those that have hurt me so. My life is good right now and I thank God everyday for where I am because it is of his grace that I try to walk and I do not blame I accept the challenge to let go and to move on and that is exactly what I have been doing.

Warmth

The warmth of someone’s hand can take away the pain so easily, I so wish he was he and had his hand on my hip so the pain would subside, but he isn’t. Everyday, I wake up with such pain in my hip I can hardly walk. The pain lasts for hours and I can do nothing about it, this Michigan weather really leaves me in shambles for hours on end and I hate it so. It’s going to be another day of cleaning, painting and making repairs to the house, by myself just doing the best I can.

I feel pretty good other than that but the dark circles under my eyes make me look like a fucking reverse racoon. I do not know why I have them because I am sleeping well and feel pretty good otherwise. I found an attachment from someone I do not know, a guy holding his hardon, wtf? Why do people I do not even know send me shit like that? Maybe it was meant for someone else and I was dialed by mistake. I have one picture of a guy holding his hardon up with his thumb and I don’t even look at his cock, I look into his eyes, those mischievous eyes.

I laugh everytime I look at the picture because, well it’s funny the expression on his face, part embarrassment, part pride, part look at this bitch, lol. I enjoy watching men masturbate, don’t know why, just do and some eyes have a look on their face like they’re going to beat that bitch like a rug, lmao. Men can be so damn cruel to themselves and I feel sorry for their cocks because damn, if anyone if played with my like that I would be a walking bruise,roflmao.

I realize it’s about friction, tight hold and a quick speed going up and down that builds the excitement but really men, let’s be a little gentler with your cock or the poor thing will fall off. lol

What The World Needs Now

The world is so full of hate, anger and greed and we do not have enough love, we do not share love and we do not give love to those that need it the most. We look at the man sitting on the side of the road with a sign asking for food or work and we drive by, we see children dirty and wearing torn clothes and we drive by, we see an abandoned dog and we drive by. There is just to little love in this world and those that have it hold on to it as if it were a precious metal.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vp1F16_7lO0

I have so little to offer the world but I do have love a plenty and I want to share that with the world, I want to leave this world a better place, more love, more understanding, more selfless acts of kindness. I feel so lost in this cesspool we cal our world and I feel like I am out of character, out-of-place, out of sight and I feel as if no one can see me, the real me. I am so far from perfect and I have made some very grave errors in judgement in my life but I still believe in love and sharing it with the world.

I have a huge back of candy canes, and bubble blowers for the children, the random children I shall meet on my trip to Nigeria. I am so happy when I can make a child smile, laugh and feel giddy, it’s such a small thing I can do that can change a bad day for a child but that is me, wanting to share my world with others so badly in a good way. I am not the least bit greedy or self centered and I would give the shirt off my back to anyone that needed it and maybe that is considered stupid but that is my way.

I want to help so many but I do not have the means to do so but I have knowledge, knowledge that I would love to share with those that need it. I am not a movie star, scholar or anyone important to anyone else in this world but my heart is open and it is giving. I am seeking to quiet that little corner of my being that is confused and lost at times, yes even I have those moments of melancholy and loneliness and I just want to make another person smile, laugh and happy if only for a moment.

Little Ole Me

I wear an ugly robe

Naked underneath

I sit by myself

Hearing the words

That are so scary

Will you marry me

They come from nowhere

They have no true meaning

Nothing but words without

Any glory

I do not know why

The words have come to 

Me

Because they mean nothing

To little ole me

 

When

I think of him I think of a smile that reaches his eyes and I think of placing my hand gently on his cheek, I think of running my hands through his hair and down his back and giving him a warm oil message as we talk. I think of making  him dinner and feeding him desert, listening to music and laughing. I think of getting totally silly and shoving an ice cream cone in his face and licking it off. I think of holding hand and jumping in mud puddles and chasing that damn rooster down and cooking him for dinner.

I think of quiet moments and being ourselves, putting on no airs, no pretending we are someone we are not, no lies, no bullshit just two friends talking and enjoying a day. I think of riding horses and going fishing and I think of making him laugh so hard he pees himself. I think of sharing a simple picnic lunch under a tree and I think of simplicity and ease of self, I think of moments that cannot be bought and I think of resting my head on his shoulder and him hugging me telling me everything will be ok.

I think of his moral support and I think of him being happy for a change because knowing that he isn’t happy upsets my world. I think of him, the man not the myth and surely not the legend and I think of how strange an unlikely pair we are. I think of him everyday and I pray for him every night, I pray for his health, safety, happiness, contentment and I pray for him to have peace within himself. I pray he finds true love and I pray that he finds himself once again.

This is how I know I love this man with every fiber of my being because I want nothing but happiness for this man, even if it does not include me. When you think of another’s happiness instead of your own then and only then do you really love that person. I wouldn’t care if he worked in a bakery and I wouldn’t care if he lived in a shack because I care for him and him alone and it is driving me insanely crazy to care for someone so much that I will never meet.

My Favorite Things Of Today

I have kind of a strange list of favorite things but they make me happy and they make me smile and some I just plain enjoy for the taste:

snow crab legs because they are sweeter than king crab usually

Horses, I love horses because they are gentle giants

Fruits and Veggies because they taste great especially with real butter for the veggies

Shrimp because it tastes great with my homemade cocktail sauce

Chocolate, love love love chocolate because it is chocolate

Traveling, I like to learn about other countries, people and their traditions

Giving, I love to give gifts but more importantly I love giving of myself

Men, men are fun and can be so exciting

Sex, who doesn’t love good sex? I prefer great sex and I seem to always give so much more than what I get

Home, home is safe, it is security, it is where we are ourselves

Entertaining friends, I love to entertain my friends and cooking for them really makes me happy

Cooking and Baking, I just absolutely love to feed people

Quiet evenings with someone special, I like sitting on a swing in the backyard chatting and enjoying the sounds of summer with someone special

Serious Relationship, nothing makes me happier than when I am in love with someone and can show them how much they mean to me

Black raspberry jam, love love love

Water, I am at peace when I am near water and I love waking up to the sound of the ocean

High thread count sheets, I really like the feel of clean sheets against my body

Vitabath bubble bath, love my bubble bath

Jacuzzi bathtub, love my bubble baths and soaking my aching body

Laughter, love to make people laugh and people who make me laugh

Sillyness, being silly is the key to the inner child and being happy

Gabriel, sweet, kind, wild, crazy and a bit zany

My pets, they give me more than any other person ever has

Music, should be at the top of the list, it moves me so

Sunshine, warms me up and makes me feel great

So there you have a few of my favorite things, things that mean the most to me and yes I have a huge list but why bother as the important ones I have mentioned.

H2O+NaCl

Nope, not happening unless I am extremely happy, no more tears for this baby girl because I am happy and I am loving this feeling. I am happy with who I am and where I am at in my present life. I think one of the biggest changes that I have made is letting go of the material shit that I own in my home. I am just so ready to free myself up to move and I have finally accepted that the shit I have has been holding me back and holding me down.It is truly amazing how your life can change when you let go of the things you thought meant the most to you.

I am happiest in my home because I have a false sense of security there and I can be myself, I do not have to wear clothes and the only ones that see my are my pets and quite frankly they do not care if I am dressed or not as long as they are fed and loved. I love my pets so much and they are part of my center, my world and where my love comes from. It has taken me a very long time to get to this place I am at and I am in no hurry to change it one bit because I have come to realize that there is not a single thing I could want for.

God lead me to this point in my life and I have finally learned some of the lessons he has been trying to teach my stubborn ass. Yes, I swear a lot when I am with my friends but people I do not know I do not say much at all because I am shy, but once you get to know me, watch out because my mouth never shuts up! I am never intentionally cruel to others unless they provoke me and then I rip them apart and they no longer wish to fuck with me. As far as my family, stay away from them because I will fight to the death for my family and my friends.

It cannot teach others how to be happy but you can show them how simple it is to find that happiness within themselves. Once you accept the fact that you are not defined by your money or possessions, then and only then are you ready to take the first step into your own happiness. I cannot express how happy I am and I wouldn’t change a thing right now, not for a million dollars. No amount of money can buy what I have discovered within myself and I wish others could feel what I am feeling.

Just A Mom

When a woman says she is “just a mom” she is not giving herself the credit she deserves because a mom is everything rolled into one. A mom gives until it hurts and she keeps on giving and she loves her family and defends them to the bitter end. A mom is a chauffeur, cook, maid, friend, disciplinarian, encyclopedia and so much more and a mom thinks of her kids day and night. My children are not home for Easter so I sent Easter to them in a box, I bought tons of candy and put a typical I love you note in the box before I mailed them yesterday.

Neither child of mine is expecting to receive anything from me so it will be a great surprise for both of them, I put Shelby on the plane with homemade chocolate chip cookies and her own credit card along with some cash in hand. Ryan, well we haven’t spoken in a week and it is needed for him to get his shit together and change his nasty attitude towards me. I haven’t decided if I will visit him on Sunday or not but just in case I do not I have sent him a box of goodies as well.

I think with the sun coming out more that will help his attitude because sunshine makes a world of difference in our outlook on life and when you live in the eastern portion of the states a lack of sun really puts a lot of people into seasonal affect disorder. The sun gives off vitamin D and so much more and it helps to balance us emotionally as well as physically. I am into all types of healing, emotionally as well as physically. I search for answers online, through the stars and God and I do find what I am looking for eventually.

People think I am weird, strange and just a odd duck because I do believe and search out information in what others think is the strangest places. Being physic does help me but sometimes I am so damn accurate I scare the shit out of myself. I have telling dreams and answers come to me in my sleep, truth pours out onto to the table and the things I do not want to know come to me regardless, I tell friends things and they believe me because I do not hand them a line of shit, just the truth.

I am loving myself more each day and I am happy, damn happy and it is strange because I have been so unhappy for years. I think my trip has a lot to do with it because I am going for myself, yes I am going with my heart and mind open to experience new lands and people, meet friends and share myself and my knowledge that may be in need of it. No, I do not have a ph.d but I do have an elevated understanding of how life works and how to change my world from empty to overflowing.

I am so damn bubbly, champagne cannot even compete with me and I am smiling and laughing and feeling so damn good it should be a crime to be this happy with oneself. I am a very deep person and I have a heart that is so big nothing can contain it. I am a giver, a lover of life and a lover of self and that is the secret to being happy, really happy and I am infectious and make me people feel so much better and they laugh and smile and we have a great time.

If you need a lift come play with me and I will show you how to be happy but you have to do the hard work as I can only show you what makes you happy, you have it all inside of yourself and all you need to do is cut the locks and let yourself enjoy the child within, let yourself open up to the peace that surrounds you and teach you about inner self love and acceptance. Let me make your world one of a smile, a laugh and let me show you how to lift the weight from your heart and to be the person you are truly meant to be.