I woke up this morning feel quite strange, as if a black veil had been lifted from my heart and my eyes, something had changed overnight as if a fire had burned down the bridges that I have refused to cross, as if a canoe waited for me at the shore, as if an unseen hand waited for me on the other side of the lake waiting to help me make a solid landing. The confusion was gone, the uncertain and no more questions awaited to be answered.
I reached the other side of the lake and that hand embodied the beginning of truth, washing away the lies and expectations. I stepped onto the bank in a flowing white silk gown and the bottom of the gown followed me through the waters and the sands. The hand disappeared and before me was a breath-taking scene of green pastures and I walked upon the pastures as the grass felt soft and inviting. I walked up to a chestnut tree and sat down looking back at the water’s edge that I had just left.
I felt peace, finally felt the peace that I have sought for my entire life, reality washed away the futile dreaming and I had found myself, my inner strength, my vision. I had held on so long to a dream that I released into the wind to be gone from my mind and I felt set free finally. You can lose yourself in your dreams and reality hides like a child behind a tree, I did not give up my dream, I finally have excepted it is time for me to move on in my life and to let go of those that no longer serve me.
I have no anger, quite the contrary I feel peace and a release that I never expected to feel, I know I will never be good enough for the one I dream of so I know longer wish to play make believe and I will no longer beg and plead to be in his presence. I am finally finding my own way by myself as it should be, I no longer wish to be one with another because being one with myself is all I need to be happy and to rely on another is to cause uncertainty and I am certain now what I really want.
I feel as if I am dancing in the greenest of pastures as a beautiful stallion runs up to me, stands beside me and lowers himself so I can climb upon his back and ride the fields in quiet ecstasy without distraction and no one to take away the moments of solitude that help define me. I finally know who I am and who I am not and who I will never be and I have embraced my inner beauty and I know I do not need him or anyone to be happy.
We are like oil and water and the two shall never mix, they shall never mingle and they will never be one, I do not seek out pity or wish to be consoled by anyone. I will continue to move forward on the path of darkness lit only by the glow of the moon. My journey has been a hard one but one of much learning and giving and I have given so much to those of this world and now it’s time for me to accept that I do not possess outer beauty, no my beauty comes from my heart, it comes from what God has taught me.
It is strange how you want someone so bad and one day you awake to the beauty of the chains setting you free, your heart letting you breathe and you’re ok. You know when you are headed in the right direction, when nothing else matters and no one can hurt you any longer. It’s a spiritual time for me and I reach to the heaven’s and the heavens send down dew and washes me clean and squeaky once again. You cannot feel such jubilation unless you let go of what you have held on so tightly to, then and only then can you walk with peace and acceptance of who you are.
The tighter you hold onto a dream the less likely you are to have it come true so I have taken that dream and have thrown it to the winds of change and I have been rewarded with so much love that I cannot grab and bag it all. I walk within the arms of love and silence. It’s the quiet moments in my life that show me what was so important to me, I can never return home again and I have learned to accept what I have to hold onto and those are delightful moments of a less stressful time.
I have stepped of the roller coaster of life and I know longer make wishes as my fate was sealed long ago and I just go with the flow and do what I feel is what is right for me. Holding onto futile dreams serves me not so well and I am nothing like most and I accept that I am unique in so many ways and I have yet to find anyone that can understand my pains and joys. I have given so much away of myself to those undeserving and those that do not have the time to value what means the most to me.