Life Begins When……

Life begins again when you let go of false hopes and shadowed dreams, life begins again when you like who you are and where you are headed, life begins again when you quit living in denial and get lost in futile dreams. My life has begun again and I am finally loving waking up in the morning as I finally wake up with a smile in my heart and a chesire grin on my face. All it takes is just one person to turn your entire world from grey to shades of green, yellow and red and it only takes a few words from someone special to make life worth living again.

It’s been damn hard moving past the death of my husband and as I pack to make my final move into a new home I release so many emotions and it feels good because I am moving forward, finally. My daughter and I are going to get tattoos at the end of the month, when Mercury goes direct of course and she wants angel wings in memory of her dad. When children lose a parent you must listen to them and encourage them to talk about their feelings and memories because it helps them so.

I haven’t decided what type of tattoo I will be getting but I can tell you it will not be anyone’s name, that is just plain ignorant. I want a small but meaningful tat, one that is pretty but subtle and most think tats are unattractive but I like them. My husband went out one day and came back with a tiger tattooed on his upper arm and it looked really nice, I was surprised he got it and didn’t say anything to me because we usually talked about stuff like that.

I remember the moment he died and I was looking at his tat and thinking back to the day he got it and I can remember the last breath he took and how his body slowly became cold. I could feel his soul depart as if it were cigarette smoke disappearing into the air and I felt peace, such peace finally for him as well as myself. I will be in Nigeria the anniversary of his 2nd year of death and it will be a very hard day for me and I do not know how the Nigerians honor their deceased but here, here we light a candle in the house of God.

It doesn’t matter where you are or what you are doing you never forget an important anniversary, it may be a wedding, a death, the day your divorce was final, the day you met the person that would change your life forever may it be good or bad but we remember, o yes we do remember and we think about the person, the situation, the timing and the place.  When a relationship finally dies it is usually a slow painful death and it takes part of us with it but we do recover and we do move on and we generally do love again.

I am a fortunate woman because I have rekindled a romance from years ago, he knows me very well as I do him and it’s nice, it’s safe, it’s fun and it’s just us learning to relate to each other in a positive way. The best relationships are always the ones that start as friends. I am not talking strangers that become friends, no I am talking of two people that have a friendship already established because there is a mutual respect and understanding, no games, no lies, no manipulation.

It’s really nice to have someone to talk to about anything, no judging, no condemning and it’s nice to walk in the park with the cool, crisp air nipping at your lips as you walk side by side in silence enjoying the world around you. There’s a certain amount of peace that rests upon the two of you and it’s comforting and it’s so nice to enjoy the day with someone who cares for you because of the person you are, not what you have.

I have so very little but so much more than so many and I have worked damn hard my entire life to get where I am and I’m quite satisfied where I am in life at this moment. I never thought I would ever feel like this again and it feels so good for a change. He listens to me and I can cry and he holds me as if he understands even though he cannot at least he tries and that is more than I can say for most men. It’s fun watching tv and laughing together while we eat chinese food and I spill it down the front of me because I am a slob and seem to always miss my mouth.

It’s fun having a few drinks and getting loopy and silly without being judged or made fun of in a hurtful way and I so love feeling this content and happy again. My life has been so strange and it seems to be raining men everyday, some good, some bad and some that don’t even phase me. You have to let go of your false hopes and dreams if you want to change your life and change comes with letting go and walking the path God has set before you, and I am walking hand in hand with a true friend, finally.

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