The Teacher

The teacher has struck once again, good old Mercury Retrograde never fails to teach me to listen to myself and not to be in such a hurry to get things done. I started getting the rooms ready for new carpeting the last time Mercury went retrograde and sure enough they had to come back twice to measure. This time, they were suppose to install it and of course the measurement was wrong on one of the rooms so they will be back tomorrow to finish the job.

I am putting the cheapest carpeting in because why waste money when Im selling anyway? I have to put a few new ceiling tiles in the basement because the tub overflowed and ruined them and I need to put up a few closet doors and repair Ryan’s door from being slammed so many times. I am finally at the point that I am packing the things I want to keep, which are so very few. It never seizes to amaze me how much one can collect over the years and how much we don’t need but hold onto.

I have a friend that lives outside of Houston, Texas and I will be visiting him sometime this year scouting the area and see if I like it enough to move there, which I no doubt will. I have visited Texas several times and enjoyed it because I have friends there and they showed me a great time. I will no doubt find a small place that requires very little upkeep and when I find the place that suits me then I will purchase what I need there.

Having two homes won’t be a problem because Shelby will care for the one here and probably end up getting a roommate so she doesn’t live alone. Living alone sucks, it’s lonely and no one to come home to just plain sux. When I do make the move to Texas I will take my pets with me because they love me and give me so much and Khloe needs to be with the boys for her own entertainment. They are running around the house as I type and Khloe is chasing the dogs, yep one screwed up house I have but so much fun.

I have been feeling so much better about myself lately, which has been greatly needed because I really hated myself for quite some time because I let myself get lost in a make believe world and in that world I was never enough. I got to wrapped up in someone online and we never met and that made me feel like I was nothing but shit, not good enough to meet, not good enough to be with. I no longer hang my self worth on another’s acceptance or rejection and that is making me happy.

My life is getting better with each day and I am so looking forward to my vacation next month and I really need it. I need to get away from all of the bullshit, legal problems, money problems, problems in general and everything is finally coming up roses for me. People say I am the strongest person they know and yes I am strong but I am also easily crushed and refuse to look in the mirror because I hated the person I saw, but those days are gone.

When we define ourselves through others eyes is when we lose ourselves and our purpose and that is what I had done for so long. I am one of the few people you will ever meet that is honest, trustworthy and caring, what you see is not what you always get but as far as honesty, I am honest to a fault which isn’t always good. This year seems to be going in a positive direction as it should and this is going to be a great year for me.

This is a year of much travel and lightening my mental load and I am liking it quite a bit. Going to Nigeria is something that occupies my mind along with getting this house ready to sell. The one think I do know is I am so looking forward to seeing Raphael again and as I assumed he has a girlfriend, his first true love and I find that to be so sweet. His ex wife is a total bitch and keeps bugging him, hell she wanted the divorce and now she wants him back, to late hon-he has moved on.

He has always made me feel pretty and he and I have always had a great time together, I will be staying with him when I visit Texas and we are not bed partner material, just friends and that is a great feeling. I could so easily fall into bed with him but I am not that type of woman and so wish I were. I need to be sexually involved with someone but I have to be in a certain place with someone before I can jump them and I know this is rare in today’s world but my morals are very important to me and I will not deviate from them for anyone.

The Hunger

We come into this world and we do require to be held and loved as it is an essential part of life and without it we do die, this is the truth. A child never held or given love does die from love and it is true we can die from a broken heart, like my father in law did. He married his sweetheart and stayed married and when she died, he died six months later. Everyone needs to have someone in their life that loves them and accepts them for themselves but that is so damn hard to find.

The online dating sites have been booming for years because people move to fast, want to much, give not enough and just take and this is our world today. People fall in love online with someone because they have traits that are attractive to the other person. People can paint a picture of themselves that is so false but when you are online who is to question what you say? Who can see through your lies and bullshit? Manipulation is easy and conning is easier as people just want to be loved.

Your subconscious mind is the part of you that has all information about your background, beliefs, past experiences and values. The psychology of falling in love section those four elements are the ones that shape the criteria your potential partner must match. Because the subconscious mind has got the elements that form the criteria that must be found in your future partner it can figure out the type of person who can meet this criteria.

Your subconscious mind creates an image of a person who fulfills these criteria then makes you attached to him even if you have never seen him before. After the subconscious mind decides that this is the suitable person for you it then starts to inform you about this fact But since the subconscious mind can’t talk, it uses other channels to send you this message. Below are two examples of these channels: Mysterious lack of interest in long term relationships with all of the people you know Dreaming of that person many times.

Reference: http://www.2knowmyself.com/Falling_in_love_with_someone_you_have_never_met

It’s very difficult to find someone online who is actually who they say they are and online dating is like playing dress up, you can be whom ever you so chose and you can live out your fantasies with another without them being in your life. I never look for anyone that is totally opposite of myself, no I look for someone who will compliment me, give me straight talk and guidance, tell me things I really do not want to hear but need to hear.

I look for someone who has the same value system as I do, similar goals and is there for me when I need a friend. Lovers are nothing but sex wrapped in latex but a friend, a true friend accepts all of you and will slap you with a dose of reality when you need it. I have a difficult time letting people close to me because of my past experiences and this is not to say that  I will never let anyone in because I have and yet he is a good friend.

We enjoy each other because we do have similar wants and needs and we view the world in a way that most cannot. We hold hands, laugh, giggle, do silly and stupid shit yet we have very deep conversations and we have a connection that will last time. We have been friends for a very long time and I have welcomed his constructive criticism as well as his compliments, which are genuine. He is a real person and that beats the hell out of an online fantasy.

People can fall in love with someone online because they are safe, they are not “real” but fulfill our fantasies of the type of person we wish to spend our lives with. The problem with this situation is you tend to compare everyone you meet to that online personality and you can never meet anyone that will fulfill what your online partner does. We build dreams and wishes upon this person yet we fear meeting them for they may not fulfill what we thought they did for us.

Rejection is another great fear most of us have and rejection is my middle name and I do not fear rejection because my entire life has been colored by it. I do know who I am and who I am not and I do not ever fool myself and get confused. I have come to accept myself and I am a pretty fucking awesome person when I compare myself to those around me. My value system has changed considerably over the years and what once excited now has become a burden.

I am deliberately simplifying my life because material possessions are like an albatross around my neck, I do not want my wings to be held down by crap and I want to soar with the eagles and admire the beauty that is before me. People do not understand  why I have no desire to want wealth in the form of money and the real reason is I have always been desired for what I own, which isn’t much but for a female I am quite together financially and do not want a man for his money like most women do.

I have had my family-check, owned a big fancy house, check, check, owned nice cars, triple checks and not one of those things have made me happy. My happiness comes from my spirituality, the kindness I show others and what I can give to the world as a whole. I am needy at times, yes so very needy for arms that will support me through the hurricane but other than that I am a simple woman and I like myself that way.

I once loved someone very much that I met online but I have opened my eyes and I accept it for what it was, actually it was nothing but a fantasy I built up in my own mind. I have replaced that fantasy with a real person and believe me it is so much better when it’s real. I am moving at a snail’s pace this time around because I have tried to force relationships down my own throat because I have been told by so many that it is time to move on and I felt as if I would die before I found that  evasive happiness with another.

I have no desire to remarry but according to my astrological chart, I will and the relationship will see me to the end of my life and beyond. The fear of being “stuck” in a bad relationship again does scare the hell out of me but you know what? You will never know the temperature of a lake unless you jump in and I am jumping in hoping that it’s a nice comfortable feeling that I do look forward to wearing well.
I know longer let myself feel love for an online lover and I know longer wait in hopes of meeting this person because I do not believe it will ever happen and maybe this is just the way it was supposed to end up anyway.

Just Me

What an absolutely glorious day I have had and fun, so fun for a change-no pressure, no expectations, no putting on airs. Just a simply wonderful day I have had with someone I really enjoy being with, we went downtown and checked out the DIA and then went to greektown and had a lovely lunch. We then went to the casino which isn’t something I generally do but it was also fun as we won 1500.00 which made me laugh because I am no gambler with money.

We then came back to my place and just chilled and had a few glasses of wine as we sat watching tv but not really watching it because he was on his ipad and I was on my desktop, which happens to be on my coffee table at the moment because I am cleaning out the study. Both of us doing our own thing but doing our own thing together was fun because we both love, love, love technology and he cracked up as I played criminal Case, my new addiction on fb.

We went out to dinner and had Thai food which is new to me and it was ok, didn’t knock my sox off but it was ok and it was something new that I enjoyed. What do I like so much about him? He is real and he is as silly and goofy as I am at times, yet he is intelligent and fun and I learn from him. He hasn’t pushed himself on me because he knows that will get him nowhere and besides he knows Bob’s anniversary  of his death is coming up.

I think if I had to pick one thing I really enjoy about him is he teaches me without knowing it and I have learned so much in such a short time and I so do love to learn. It’s so nice to date a friend because the relationship is different from regular dating and there is no “get to know you” bullshit. I hate dating because of the questions you are asked and they are so damn mundane and you have to go through the series of annoying questions.

I have been trying to rush the “replacement” process and to fill my life with love but I do not do that any longer and I find life to be so much more enjoyable and I like kicking back as well going out but it’s just nice to hang with someone who has the same interests as you and the both of you can do your own thing yet be together at the same time. He is quite secure and I like that a lot and I also like the way he is supporting my trip to Nigeria.

I was on the computer looking to rent a house while I am there and of course I have had no luck and haven’t heard back from Frankie yet and I so need his help with this matter. He wanted to know why I had chosen Nigeria and I told him the truth, for spiritual growth and to hopefully find myself, all of myself and he was quite impressed but I don’t find it impressive, I find it a need that I cannot walk away from and to finally meet my friends from there is really exciting for me.