The Aftermath

I’ve been going through treatment for several weeks now and I am so damn tired that there is no way I can even walk to the end of the block. I sleep about 9-10 hrs. a day not including naps and my chest is really sore but other than that I am doing fine. I am so glad big Rick has told no one what is going on with me because I do not want anyone to pity me as I am already looked upon as a widow with a suicidal kid in the hospital and the other staying at her boyfriends.

I have to see the doc tomorrow because I have had an annoying pain in the back of my leg above my knee and my feet are so swollen I cannot wear shoes. I don’t know what the hell is going on but I seem to be retaining quite a bit of water even though I piss so much that I should invest in the toilet paper industry. On top of every thing else I was once again frying bacon naked and my boobs caught the splatter and I have a bunch of little blisters all over.

I have a scar about an 1 1/2 along the bottom of my areola but you wouldn’t know that I had surgery because it has healed so well. I don’t care about the scar and just add it to the stretch marks and it’s like this love me, love my stretch marks as they were well-earned. I am wondering what will be next for me because I do know the stress I have allowed to enter my life has taken a toll on my body and I need to totally distress which I plan to do next month for a month.

I am so damn afraid that Frankie won’t meet me and if that happens I do not know what I will do other than try to find a hotel that I can hole up in and review my options. I have already been warned by the hotel not to go anywhere by myself since I am white but I am not fearing to much and all I need is a church for a few moments each day to find my peace. God leads me to Nigeria for a purpose, a mission and to silence the lambs that cry in the night.

This trip is going to be fun and I already know it and it will quiet the roar of the lion that is off in the distance. I wish people could understand what I am striving to accomplish in my life but they do not and no doubt never will. Most just do not get me and the one that does is pretty special to me and I will miss him when I am gone because we do have so much fun together and I just really like when we are on the couch and he has his arm around me pulling me close.

He makes me feel safe and as if everything will be ok even though I already know it will. He quiets my restless soul like no one ever has and he makes me feel good about myself, which very few have, he’s a fantastic friend and without a doubt the best damn kisser I have ever had the pleasure of making out with. I have never enjoyed someones company as much as his and it’s like we are a hand and glove, a perfect fit.

It’s so damn hard to meet someone who fits your personal bill in such a way that you wonder where this person has been hiding your entire life and you wonder why you hadn’t hooked up earlier in life even though you already know things happen when God says it’s time and not a minute sooner. I would not have learned as much as I have if he had entered my life sooner and I am thankful for the lessons I have learned, even the painful ones.

I knew this was going to be a good year for me and this first quarter is to wrap up things that need to exit my life and that is happening. I am happy, yes I am for the first time in so long and it feels good, feels right and makes me feel settled inside. It’s so strange when you hook up with someone and it’s like you have been together for eternity and that is how I feel right now, he gives me my space and he is totally confident with who he is and he is fine with who I am, which makes my heart skip a few beats.

We will be skyping while I am away so we can keep in touch which is important to me because I like the connection and want to keep it. I do not see anyone else taking away my attention and making my heart feel as guidy as it does currently and I am not interested in meeting anyone on a romantic level which won’t happen anyway because I would never have a relationship with someone who isn’t of my own race.

I am not prejudice but I will not bring anymore problems into my life through relationships and inner racial relationships have their own select set of problems which I refuse to entertain. Life is hard enough with same race relationships and that is what I do not need, a complicated relationship. It’s so nice when you can have fun with someone no matter what the two of you are doing and that is how it is with us, we are so enjoying each other and I never thought I would meet such a man but I finally have.

When Does It Stop?

As a victim of sexual abuse I know how much damage can be done to a young child when her innocence is taken, people wonder how a child of 3,4,5 ect can remember so clearly the experience that changed their lives forever. The violation of the body is never forgotten and the pain associated with it stays with us our entire lives. When one is sexually violated it leaves a branding on the mind and heart that never fades, never disappears and can never be talked away.

We need  to help bring light to how many children this occurs to on a daily basis. I have ran across a young woman who fights a damn good fight to help children in every state and I do hope you help support her.  et the “courage” to tell someone what has happened and yes we fear that we will be called a liar and not believed or we will devastate the ones we trust most, which generally are our parents. The damage has an arm that reaches past the victim to those that are supposed to protect us and the guilt that they feel can be devastating. As a loving parent, we do everything within our power to protect our children and when someone, usually a family member, friend or neighbor also a stranger violates our children we feel as if we have failed in the most important aspect of our child’s life.

I was molested several times at the age of three by my uncle and then again when I was 9-10 by a man who used his horse to literally get into my pants as well as my girlfriend. When you are young it’s so easy to use an animal to obtain access to you and it’s even easier to violate that child on the back of a horse with the predator sitting behind you. Blaze was a beautiful Tennessee Walker and he was very tall as most Walkers are.

There was no place to escape to and no way to free myself from the grip this man had on me, I can remember so clearly the day he took advantage of me and I was too afraid to tell my mother for fear she wouldn’t believe me or let me be around the horse stable again. I do not focus on these terrible experiences but do w  Educating our youth is the key factor needed to help stop such a horrendous violation and everyone that helps just a bit can save a child from this experience.