Dare To Love

Life can be so damn daunting at times as we are required to work, run a household, take care of our children and pets. We get so caught up in the everyday that we forget to care for ourselves and be good to ourselves. Even though I am retired I am constantly busy putting out fires and lighting a few of my own but even I do not care for myself as I should. I treat myself to bubble baths as much as I can but there are times I am so damn tired I would no doubt drown.

Lately, I wake up exhausted and drag myself out of bed to take care what needs to be taken care of and it takes all of my effort to heat up soup. I am so overwhelmed with the house that I just sit down and cry out of frustration at times and there is nothing I can do about it. I pick my weepy as up and start again even though it takes me literally days to clean the smallest of rooms and go through all the crap that I am throwing out.


Bob kept a shitload of paperwork during our divorce and he kept every single document from the money I sent to Nigeria to all of the phone bills, legal papers, bank records, investment records ect. the divorce was so ugly and messy and the damn arbitrator was so one sided, of course in his corner and she seriously fucked me. The only thing that saved me is Bob and I getting back together but that was strictly of God’s doing because he knew that Bob needed me when he was dieing.

The more stuff I find the madder I get because the betrayal was sickening and I helped him up to his last breath and he fucked me so bad behind my back. Bob was always greedy and selfish along with his good points he was a real fucking bastard. He married because I had the house, the businesses, the cars and I worked like a fucking dog at the mill. He had nothing, not a damn thing- a fucking red geo and a uhaul full of bills which of course I helped pay off.

I get pissed when I think about the shitty stuff he did but I really have no one to be pissed at but myself because I allowed him in my life and that is the reality of the situation. I stayed way to long but I was there for him and that taught me so much even though I was never happy with him, I know I had a purpose in his life and that was to care for him. I never wanted to be a nurse because my mother was and I had always thought to myself that I would rather be dead than to let her give me even an aspirin.

It turns out that I know more about medical shit than I have ever wanted to but it has come in quite handy and helpful and I understand so much more than the average person. Bob’s disability taught me one thing, that he was never disabled or broken and it never made a difference to me when he lost his leg. I never judge people by their disabilities and I like to get to know the person, not what they think holds them back.

Men have a very difficult time accepting their disability because men are defined differently than women are and men really on their physical appearance as well as their job to define who they are. Bob never held me back from doing what I wanted to do and he never tried to stop me from doing things that he could no longer do. We truly were best friends and that is what makes or breaks any relationship because you must be friends first.

I have dated several men that had disabilities and it wasn’t the disability that ruined the relationship, it was always other factors that I had no control over. If I met a man that was a double amputee and we clicked then I would be with him, simple as that and no I would not be looking at other men with a wandering eye. We do not fall in love with someone’s body, we fall in love with the person and two people can do so much together regardless of their disabilities.

Jazz Me Up

I love music and I love good jazz, those that remember the sounds of herbie hancock and Al Jureau know what I mean. I saw Al Jureau in Vegas about thirty years ago and it was an awesome concert as we sat at a table next to the stage and you could so enjoy the music. Good jazz is hot, it’s exciting and it makes you want to move and get into the music but people misunderstand jazz and do not appreciate what it can do for your day.


Point It Out

I have two friends that are fighting breast cancer and I had my mammogram done a while ago but my gf told me to do a self exam just in case and I did and I felt a very tiny lump and it was very tiny smaller than a pea. I went to the dr. and of course don’t you know it was cancerous. I had the surgery and the dr. was able to remove all of it and now I am doing the radiation thing. I am retaining so much fluid from the meds and my feet are so damn swollen I cannot get my shoes on.

I feel like someone put an airhose up my ass and blew me up and I feel so uncomfortable, damn just roll me in flour to find the wet spot. I cannot do much walking and forget the treadmill I am just wiped out and so damn tired. I sleep a lot but I still go out but I am not able to even go out for six hrs. because I am exhausted and do not feel all that good but once I am through with the treatments the dr. said I will get my energy back.

Life has thrown me so many curve balls but I have caught everyone and not even fumbled one and I am a damn good catcher and fighter. I do not let these take me down, yes they are draining and I feel lost at times but I pick myself up and dust myself off and keep heading in the direction set before me. You cannot let struggles get you down and keep you down, you must move forward or die and I am not ready to die just yet.

People are always saying I am so strong yet they offer me very little, words are nothing but words and I could use a hand or two now and then but once again those that think the strong are without struggles and never in need of a hug or help are so very wrong. We are strong because God made us that way but he did not make us a material possession, no we are flesh and blood like everyone else with the same needs as others.


No Thunder

The rain falls in the dark

It gives no warning

No spark

There’s no thunder

No lightening

Just raindrops hitting the ground

I think of him

I think of lost avenues

A path of least resistance

A road to nowhere

He travels on

leaving tears in his wake

He is lost, so confused

He doesn’t know what to do

He thinks he is rich

He thinks he’s famous

But who is he? Really who is he?

A pauper, a lonely soul

That refuses to be loved

He finds himself unworthy

He knows not how to repair

What hurts him the most

Love flys around him

But not even with a net

Can he catch the fluttering

Of the love he so desperately needs