Life can be so damn daunting at times as we are required to work, run a household, take care of our children and pets. We get so caught up in the everyday that we forget to care for ourselves and be good to ourselves. Even though I am retired I am constantly busy putting out fires and lighting a few of my own but even I do not care for myself as I should. I treat myself to bubble baths as much as I can but there are times I am so damn tired I would no doubt drown.
Lately, I wake up exhausted and drag myself out of bed to take care what needs to be taken care of and it takes all of my effort to heat up soup. I am so overwhelmed with the house that I just sit down and cry out of frustration at times and there is nothing I can do about it. I pick my weepy as up and start again even though it takes me literally days to clean the smallest of rooms and go through all the crap that I am throwing out.
Bob kept a shitload of paperwork during our divorce and he kept every single document from the money I sent to Nigeria to all of the phone bills, legal papers, bank records, investment records ect. the divorce was so ugly and messy and the damn arbitrator was so one sided, of course in his corner and she seriously fucked me. The only thing that saved me is Bob and I getting back together but that was strictly of God’s doing because he knew that Bob needed me when he was dieing.
The more stuff I find the madder I get because the betrayal was sickening and I helped him up to his last breath and he fucked me so bad behind my back. Bob was always greedy and selfish along with his good points he was a real fucking bastard. He married because I had the house, the businesses, the cars and I worked like a fucking dog at the mill. He had nothing, not a damn thing- a fucking red geo and a uhaul full of bills which of course I helped pay off.
I get pissed when I think about the shitty stuff he did but I really have no one to be pissed at but myself because I allowed him in my life and that is the reality of the situation. I stayed way to long but I was there for him and that taught me so much even though I was never happy with him, I know I had a purpose in his life and that was to care for him. I never wanted to be a nurse because my mother was and I had always thought to myself that I would rather be dead than to let her give me even an aspirin.
It turns out that I know more about medical shit than I have ever wanted to but it has come in quite handy and helpful and I understand so much more than the average person. Bob’s disability taught me one thing, that he was never disabled or broken and it never made a difference to me when he lost his leg. I never judge people by their disabilities and I like to get to know the person, not what they think holds them back.
Men have a very difficult time accepting their disability because men are defined differently than women are and men really on their physical appearance as well as their job to define who they are. Bob never held me back from doing what I wanted to do and he never tried to stop me from doing things that he could no longer do. We truly were best friends and that is what makes or breaks any relationship because you must be friends first.
I have dated several men that had disabilities and it wasn’t the disability that ruined the relationship, it was always other factors that I had no control over. If I met a man that was a double amputee and we clicked then I would be with him, simple as that and no I would not be looking at other men with a wandering eye. We do not fall in love with someone’s body, we fall in love with the person and two people can do so much together regardless of their disabilities.