Fear can control us, rule us and deliver us to and from evil, fear is a terrible feeling and I hate it when I feel it. I was scared to death when I found the lump in my breast and I survived because as I have said, I am to damn mean to die just yet. Today, I had another health scare and tomorrow I will find out how bad the situation actually is. It is so hard to be afraid and there is on you feel comfortable enough with to lean on or to share your fears.

I sit here by myself wondering what the results will be tomorrow and I have spoken to no one about it because I fear the pity card being pulled out. I hope I can sleep tonight because I am so damn tired and I am so overwhelmed with one health issue after another. I have someone who is ready and willing to be there for me but I just cannot open up to him with my serious issues and worries and I should be able to. If you want a good relationship you have to be willing to expose yourself and with him I am not.

I like him, he plays great kissie face and he makes me laugh but he doesn’t give me a secure feeling that allows me to expose parts of myself. Maybe I am expecting to much to soon but I do know one thing, when you have a connection with someone you do not fear anything and you are willing to open up to that person. He is always telling me how pretty he thinks I am and how he loves my eyes and the way I touch his face and neck but it isn’t enough.

I do not feel that great pull between two people and I do not feel a kinship with him and that is what I want with someone and only then can I give my body to someone. I do not jump in the sack with just anybody and maybe I am just to old school for this world but my body is not to be given lightly no matter how horny I may be. When I kiss someone there has got to be fireworks, neighborhood fires and it has to grab me and enrobe me.

When you kiss someone your body reacts but if you do not feel it in your heart than you have nothing, nothing but a chance to fuck someone. The only time I fuck anyone is when I am with them and being with them I mean we have made love. Making love is special to me and to the person I am with and then I can fuck them like they have never been fucked. The kind of fucking I am talking about is the kind that you play around in the car on the drive home, enter the house and push him up against the wall and rip off his clothes sex. 

You can fuck anyone but that doesnt mean it is great or even good sex and sex is self expression and tells so much about the person. How you touch someone, how you kiss them and how you take your time tells you what the person really feels for you. No matter how horny you are if you are quick about it than the person means nothing to you but if you kiss slowly, touch erotically and move slowly says volumes and so man people just fuck to get off.

The Devil Wears Walmart

I have been having pain above my right knee for quite some time and I finally had an ultrasound this morning. The results showed limited blood flow and now I have to have an artial doppler test which is a much deeper test to see what the problem is. I am glad I have finally gotten off my ass and had the ultrasound to find out what is causing this pain and since Bob had so many problems with clotting I don’t put off these types of test for to long.

I have to get this taken care of before I go on my trip because I do not want health problems when I am in another country. My legs have been bothering along with my feet and I do not need this right now along with all the stress I am dealing with. Not having any place to visit my dad has really upset me and it’s such a violation from the devil that wears Walmart to do such a thing, dispose of my dad’s remains without notifying me.

Part of the grieving process is visiting the final resting place of your loved one and when you have no place to go it makes it so much more difficult and when it’s a parent it is even worse. The beginning of this year is wrap up and dump time for me, wrapping up problems and dumping crap that doesnt serve me. I have got to change my health habits, quit smoking, lose weight and increase my activity because this is what is needed for improved health.

I may possibly have a blockage in my leg and if that is the case I will no doubt need a bypass asap, once again here I am all alone dealing with scary health issues but as usual I will overcome my fears and deal with it like it is a pimple. I have been lucky enough to get the intrusion claudiation test done tomorrow at 9 a.m., getting appointments has been relatively easy for me because Mercury is retrograde, revisit, redo time when Mercury is retro.

I will not have any surgery’s performed until the first week of April because it’s always best to wait a week after Mercury goes direct to sign papers, have surgery’s make important decisions. I so hope things aren’t as bad as I think they could be, a blockage would totally suck requiring surgery and no doubt a bypass. Bob had several bypasses when he had kidney stones so I am quite familiar with the surgery, they put in a stint which reroutes the blood flow.

I just called my dr. and she is going to send a script in for quit smoking patches to my mail order prescription company. I am dead serious about quitting smoking because it has thickened my blood and smoking increases the chance of strokes, clogs the arteries and just kills us slowly. Smoking is nasty and it stinks and smells up your clothes and your home, I have quit like 5 times before so I know I can do it but this time it’s going to be a bit harder because it helps me relieve stress or so I have fooled myself into believing it.

Keep Stabbing Me

I found out this morning that Doris disposed of my dad’s ashes and this just kills me. Who does this devil woman think she is? She has always been so jealous of the relationship I had with my dad and that is just sick. When a man gets divorced and meets another woman, most woman try to befriend his kids first and when that doesn’t work they do all they can to destroy the relationship the man as with his kids. I understand that children are jealous of anyone that enters their dad’s life because they are a threat to the child.

You have to let dad and his kids have their relationship and you need to stay the fuck out of it unless you are invited. I have never tried to involve myself or destroy a relationship between a parent and a child because I learned early in life the importance of those relationships. You do not say negative things and you surely do not try to push the kids out the door and a woman who does this has issues that no man should have to deal with.

It hurts me so bad that Doris had tried for years to destroy my relationship with my dad because she wanted everything he had and she felt she was entitled to it, which she was not. The parent child relationship is a delicate one that has to grow on its own terms and any woman who sticks her fucking nose it needs to be dumped, seriously. I really liked my youngest step daughter and then her mother used her to get information and manipulated her.

There are things that children do not need to know about their parents but when there is a divorce people pull out all stops to destroy each other and my mother wanted my dad dead from the get go. My relationship with my dad was stellar and I would hope every child has the same relationship with their parents because these relationships are so damn important. Katy my youngest step daughter crossed the line on several occasions and I did not hesitate to put her back in line.

She violated my privacy by going through personal records of mine and then throwing in my face some of the choices I had made with my own body. She found out I had an abortion and she tore me down for it not knowing that there was a rape involved and this really pissed me off. I did not inform her how I  got pregnant because it was none of her business in the first place and she should have never violated my privacy.

Dad’s tend to see a little princess in their daughters and they do not see it when they are being manipulated or used as Katy did. Bob opened his eyes when Katy didn’t come around for years and then showed up six months before she got married and of course she hit us with I am getting married and Bob wanted his princess to have a wonderful wedding. We paid for the wedding and never saw her again until weeks before he died.

I had to beg and plead her to see him and it tore me apart to have to do this but I did it for Bob so he could have closure before he died. Katy was involved in his funeral and I let her make the final arrangements for the burial of his ashes. She lied to me about the date and she threw away all of my kids pictures which were to be shown at the funeral. This is an act of an extremely insecure child that hated me because he chose not to see her even though I tried to get him to have a relationship with her and his grandkids.

I do not know if it’s me or the world around me but the insecurities and evil seem to own most people. I do not feel the need to compete with anyone including someone’s children because you cannot and never will be competition. No one can compete with my kids for my love and devotion and the relationship I have with them is special just to them and a relationship with a man is on a completely different level and I do encourage the man I may be with to do his own thing as long as he isn’t fucking someone else.

I am just sick over Doris denying me the right to put my dad to rest and it’s wrong and she will be very sorry, I guarantee that.