I have been trying to put someone out of my and my bed for the longest time, he is not physically in my bed but his place is held by a pillow. I put my arm over the pillow and cuddle up to it wishing it was his shoulder. I talk to this pillow as if he were here with me and it’s so damn hard when I cry into this pillow. My Gabriel loves to lie next to me always touching me and Michael is always at my crotch sleeping and I feel so lucky to have these puppies loving me like they do.
They lick away my tears, make me laugh until I pee myself and I spoil them rotten like I do any man who is in my life. I live a lonely life except for my pets and I dream, always dreaming of a less stressful life, a happier time happier place. I know one day I will be a very happy woman but that day has yet to come and I just try to move on knowing there is no one that can take this person’s place in my heart. Do not ask me how or why as it is what it is, God working in my favor.
I will never meet this person because I am not enough for him and I know it but that is ok because just the thought of him saves me from falling apart, just knowing that one day when he is lonely or sad he will possibly read what I right and laugh himself silly. People tell me I am so funny but I never feel that way and I am just me and if I can make someone laugh and forget what makes them sad then I am very happy to do so.
It is so strange how you just know when you are to be with a particular person even if it never happens, you just know they are a perfect fit, they are the one that changes your sadness to happiness even if you never meet. God has a grand plan and he works on his own time frame and no matter how badly I wish I could meet him just so I can prove myself wrong on how I feel about him. I so want to be free of this tie that binds me to him and keeps me from sharing myself with anyone else.
I wish I could meet someone who makes my heart skip a beat, someone who can fulfill me and someone who can love me as much as I love them but that has yet to happen no matter how hard I try. I have to sit back and laugh at myself when I think of our first online fight which was so fucking hilarious and stupid but it still does make me laugh. We have been in each other’s life for almost four years yet we have never met, do not ask me why.
I have no plans of ever meeting him and I just wish he was a regular guy with a regular job, no one famous but that isn’t what he signed up for and that isn’t the person that I love. Maybe I am a fool and that is ok because what he has given me is so much more than any other person has in my life and I am so thankful that he did come into my life. When I talk to him I can hear the pain in his voice at times and I so love to hear him laugh as it makes me laugh. Have you ever met anyone that makes you feel special?