You Just Know

 I have been trying to put someone out of my and my bed for the longest time, he is not physically in my bed but his place is held by a pillow. I put my arm over the pillow and cuddle up to it wishing it was his shoulder. I talk to this pillow as if he were here with me and it’s so damn hard when I cry into this pillow. My Gabriel loves to lie next to me always touching me and Michael is always at my crotch sleeping and I feel so lucky to have these puppies loving me like they do.

They lick away my tears, make me laugh until I pee myself and I spoil them rotten like I do any man who is in my life. I live a lonely life except for my pets and I dream, always dreaming of a less stressful life, a happier time happier place. I know one day I will be a very happy woman but that day has yet to come and I just try to move on knowing there is no one that can take this person’s place in my heart. Do not ask me how or why as it is what it is, God working in my favor.

I will never meet this person because I am not enough for him and I know it but that is ok because just the thought of him saves me from falling apart, just knowing that one day when he is lonely or sad he will possibly read what I right and laugh himself silly. People tell me I am so funny but I never feel that way and I am just me and if I can make someone laugh and forget what makes them sad then I am very happy to do so.

It is so strange how you just know when you are to be with a particular person even if it never happens, you just know they are a perfect fit, they are the one that changes your sadness to happiness even if you never meet. God has a grand plan and he works on his own time frame and no matter how badly I wish I could meet him just so I can prove myself wrong on how I feel about him. I so want to be free of this tie that binds me to him and keeps me from sharing myself with anyone else.

I wish I could meet someone who makes my heart skip a beat, someone who can fulfill me and someone who can love me as much as I love them but that has yet to happen no matter how hard I try. I have to sit back and laugh at myself when I think of our first online fight which was so fucking hilarious and stupid but it still does make me laugh. We have been in each other’s life for almost four years yet we have never met, do not ask me why.

I have no plans of ever meeting him and I just wish he was a regular guy with a regular job, no one famous but that isn’t what he signed up for and that isn’t the person that I love. Maybe I am a fool and that is ok because what he has given me is so much more than any other person has in my life and I am so thankful that he did come into my life. When I talk to him I can hear the pain in his voice at times and I so love to hear him laugh as it makes me laugh. Have you ever met anyone that makes you feel special?

Another Bites The Dust

We were out and about today and it was a great day, fantastic to be exact until the words I dreaded hearing I did hear. While in the grocery store his phone rang and he started chatting with a buddy telling him that we were grocery shopping and how much fun I was, how funny and how pretty, cough cough on my part. I walked down the aisle and he stood talking to his buddy and as I went around the corner he started running his fucking yap.

He didn’t know I could hear him but I heard him loud and clear as he said to his friend, “ya this chick has it all and you should see the house she has.” He went onto talk about what a beautiful house I had and how my kids were practically grown. He made a remark about Ry calling him a “nutcase that is locked up.” As I listened my heart sunk to my feet and once again I was a damn fool being used and bragged about as if I were “all that” which I am not.

He made some unflattering remarks about my weight which hey I know I need to lose weight but the conversation was just a complete slap in my face. Here was another guy looking at me for what I have which is so much more than he has and I was so hurt but more pissed than anything else. We left the grocery store and he loaded the groceries in the car and we drove home and I pretended everything was just fucking ducky.

I had to ask him to carry the groceries in the house for me and when he brought in the last bag, I went on a serious nut and told him to get the fuck out of my house and my life, never contact me again and I told him he was nothing but a gold digger even though all I have is copper. He tried to talk his way out of what he had said, but once said you cannot take those words back, he asked me if I was still going to cook him dinner, lmao are you totally daft?

I cannot wait to sell this house and buy one that is much smaller for the kids and I and for him to say anything about my son infuriates me to no end. I hate when people get so impressed by this damn house because it means nothing, holds no love of two people but is very rich in love between the kids and myself. I so hope one day someone will love me just for me not what little I have but I do not hold my breath for love any longer.

I know one day I will meet the man who doesn’t care if I am over weight or what I have and I do know one day he will enter my life and love me just for me. It is so hard to meet someone who likes you just for yourself, not what you have or what you can give them. I think we make life way to difficult and when we judge someone for who they are or what they have is a sad state of affairs and I believe God is saving the best for me to meet one day and that day will come I have no doubt.

Anything Can Happen

Anything Can Happen

We take life for granted and we are never prepared for the days that are jarred by reality, we take for granted that the sun will shine every morning and we take for granted that live will go on without a hitch. I am a realist and I see life for what it is and yes the days are numbered and our happiness is never guaranteed, so we have to grab what we can when we can and thank God for giving us that moment. I sit on the couch in my panties and wife beater shirt trying to come to terms with the direction my life has been heading towards.

I have experienced a tremendous amount of loss but I know this is not the final journey, it’s just a step closer to another journey when I will once again be with my loved ones. I cry for my losses but grieving is only for the living because the dead already know what I have yet to learn. I will not fall into a dark hole and get lost, o no I have been there and done that and it is not for me and never will be, yes I trip and yes I falter but I pick myself back up and kick myself in the ass and look for a brighter day.

I am so looking forward to my vacation, it is my escape from the reality I so hate living and the constant battles of life. I cannot wait to spend time with my friends and Frankie is such a grin and I look forward to my time with him. No, I do not want him as a lover because his friendship means the world to me and he has a way of making me feel better about myself and my life. He’s a friend of a different kind, one you do not find walking the streets or sitting in a theatre.

Frankie has something heavenly about him and I cannot explain it further than that and I believe I am to learn much from him as a person and I am counting the days to when I am sitting on the plane and it soars towards my friends and the land that will bring me to a place that has eluded me. There are people in this world that have it all and they cannot appreciate what Nigeria has to offer in the way of learning and I do realize it’s a very poor country but until I step foot on the land I will not even have a clue how things are for others in a third world country.

When you have lived a life of poverty when you are young you tend to see the beauty and not what life has to offer in materialism. I can so remember being so poor that Christmas dinner was left on our porch in a box ready to prepare, I wore hand me downs that were hand me downs and I slept in a bed with sheets that were paper thin and my toes poked holes in them. My childhood was so far from stellar that it has made me appreciate what I have today.

Counseling has helped me tremendously and I finally realize why I hate gifts so much, my mother used to beat me black and blue and then turn around and give me a present to make up for it, so gifts to me have been a tool used to “make up” for being wronged. I so enjoy giving people presents and I so enjoy making people happy and to laugh, I can see the beauty in everyone once I get past my psychological evaluation of the person.

I believe strongly in the power and gift of God and I do believe anything can happen if you do not fight it and all of us seem to fight against our demons or the demons we think are following us. I realize I am not beautiful, skinny, have numerous educational degrees or a lot of money but those things mean nothing to me because what I have is precious, rare and I do not share it so easily with just anyone. I do have a good heart, I am very loving, to giving and helpful.

I do not get really pissed to easily unless I am stressed to the max and it generally takes quite a bit for me to go on a nut. When I am hurt is when I react the most and hurt is expressed through anger and when I cry it is a release of what hurts me so. I know one day I will be with the person that is meant to be in my life for the rest of my life and I have tried to hurry this up with great failure, so I now just accept each day as it is and whoever is in it at that moment.

The one thing that really bothers me is my unwillingness to jump in bed with a man, I just cannot bring myself to do this and it does bother me because I want sex so bad if all the ducks are not in a row I cannot give my body. All of my friends tell me it’s time for me to get laid but I do not follow what others say, even if it is right because I have to live with my choices, not them. I have always been like this and I cannot date more than one person at a time even though I have tried.

If I am attracted to you then you are my main focus and I give as good if not better than I get and I want things to work out with someone else but it hasn’t happened quite yet. The guy I am currently dating is fun, exciting, unique, intelligent and everything I want in a guy but once again there is something missing, the magic isn’t there, the heart fluttering isn’t there and I do not miss him when we do not talk. Yes, we have played kissie face but I just cannot give more than that to him and I feel as if I am cheating him.

When you let life unfold as it should, yes anything  can happen and we have to be open to it not run from it as I have. There has been only one person that makes me feel what one should feel when they have feelings for another but alas, he is nothing but a myth, a legend and I can never live up to his wants in another and nor shall I ever try to because that isn’t me. I am a damn good catch and have to remind myself daily of that.