I am almost done with the treatments, just three more to go and I can honestly say I am totally exhausted. I had dopplers done on my legs and my right leg has limited blood flow and I am waiting for the other test I had done. My dr. doesn’t want me to quit smoking just yet because she is waiting for all my blood work to come back and she doesn’t want me dieting or exercising, like I have the strength. I have dark circles under my eyes because I am not sleeping well even though I sleep most of the day, waking up to pee or get a drink and fuck off on fb.
I am very lucky that I found that tiny lump even though I had my yearly mammogram several months ago along with my colonoscopy. When you hit the 5o mark you gotta open your ass up for strange fingers and objects and you are put out so you feel no discomfort but you do take meds that make you shit constantly to clean you out. I think a lot of my health problems stem from stress and I have been through quite a bit the last two years.
I went to the cemetery the other day and sat on our headstone and had a talk to Bob and I let him know where Ryan was and how good Shelby was doing. Most people do not need to go to the cemetery but I need to go and I cannot visit my dad which really hurts. I so want to slap the shit out of Doris but to touch her would contaminate me with her greed and hate and her time is coming, karma going to get that bitch.
There comes a time in your life when you just have to walk away from situations because they are hurting you in more ways than one and that is where I find myself. Letting go isn’t so easy for me and weeks go by and I do not think about the situation or the person and then out of the blue I get a bout with anger. She has no idea how lucky she is that I am older and do not act out on my anger because I can be a very mean person when I am hurting.
I have learned so much in my 53 years and I do know that God will bring to me what and who I need at the right time so I keep the faith and hold my heart up to the heaven’s and that keeps me sane or what appears to be at least partially sane. I cannot wait to get this crap sold in this house and then sell this house and that will happen when it is supposed as is everything else in my life. I know there is someone out there that loves me just the way I am and he better step up to the plate or I may just fall apart.