I am almost done with the treatments, just three more to go and I can honestly say I am totally exhausted. I had dopplers done on my legs and my right leg has limited blood flow and I am waiting for the other test I had done. My dr. doesn’t want me to quit smoking just yet because she is waiting for all my blood work to come back and she doesn’t want me dieting or exercising, like I have the strength. I have dark circles under my eyes because I am not sleeping well even though I sleep most of the day, waking up to pee or get a drink and fuck off on fb.

I am very lucky that I found that tiny lump even though I had my yearly mammogram several months ago along with my colonoscopy. When you hit the 5o mark you gotta open your ass up for strange fingers and objects and you are put out so you feel no discomfort but you do take meds that make you shit constantly to clean you out. I think a lot of my health problems stem from stress and I have been through quite a bit the last two years.

I went to the cemetery the other day and sat on our headstone and had a talk to Bob and I let him know where Ryan was and how good Shelby was doing. Most people do not need to go to the cemetery but I need to go and I cannot visit my dad which really hurts. I so want to slap the shit out of Doris but to touch her would contaminate me with her greed and hate and her time is coming, karma going to get that bitch.

There comes a time in your life when you just have to walk away from situations because they are hurting you in more ways than one and that is where I find myself. Letting go isn’t so easy for me and weeks go by and I do not think about the situation or the person and then out of the blue I get a bout with anger. She has no idea how lucky she is that I am older and do not act out on my anger because I can be a very mean person when I am hurting.

I have learned so much in my 53 years and I do know that God will bring to me what and who I need at the right time so I keep the faith and hold my heart up to the heaven’s and that keeps me sane or what appears to be at least partially sane. I cannot wait to get this crap sold in this house and then sell this house and that will happen when it is supposed as is everything else in my life. I know there is someone out there that loves me just the way I am and he better step up to the plate or I may just fall apart.

Times R A Changin’

When I was younger I wanted all the material shit most people want and I wanted to be married and have my own family, living in the house on the corner with the white picket fence and having a beautiful wedding. Needless to say my wedding was by a justice of the peace and dinner was pizza which I quickly threw up as I was knocked up. As I get older, I think of the type of person I want to spend my “golden years” with and not once have I thought about the type of house I would love to live in with this person.

As we age our value system changes and what we want in another person also changes and we are no longer bowled over by a person’s beauty, instead we are bowled over by what we feel in our heart about that person. I dream of sitting on the back porch on the swing and watching the sun set as we chat about nothing of any great importance, I dream of listening to the crickets as I hold his hand and watch the sun go down.

My wants are simple and my needs can so easily be met by the right man because I do not want much and need even less to be happy but happiness is not so easily attainable in this day and age. Men have turned from providers to “first I look in the purse” and they no longer are happy with a regular woman, they want a woman who is self reliable, independent and own their own homes, cars ect. men do not want a woman who want them for what they have and they have turned the tables on women.

The average woman knows how to play a man and to trap him and it happens everyday, men also do the trapping when they cannot get the lady of his choice my regular means of action. People are so damn calculating and manipulative and the insecure guy does some fucked up shit like put voice activated devices in your car, bugs your phone and hacks your computer. They feel this need to know every detail of the woman’s life and they want to know if they are being lied to or cheated, don’t all of us though?

I am the type of person that would find a wallet full of thousand dollar bills and the only thing I would take out of the wallet would be the driver’s license to find the owner but most people would take the money and through out the wallet. I never went into my husband’s wallet and he never went into my purse because we did trust and respect each other until the divorce and then all bets were off with him as he went through my purse, deleted my contacts and tried to read all of my emails which really pissed me off.

I think that relationships go south because of lack of honesty, lack of committment and lack of respect and this is how we end up in the divorce courts. I do not need to be married to be committed and I am not so sure that marriage is the answer to a healthy relationship. I have no doubt that the next committed relationship I am in will be fantastic unless he gets a wandering eye and then, well that will be the end of that.

I have never cheated and never will because I refuse to disrespect the person I share myself with in such a way. If I am not happy I want to talk about it and share it and make all better if at all possible. I seem to always be the giver in my relationships and no I do not talk about giving items I talk about giving my all to elevate the person I am with, do what I can to make them happy and smile and love them like they have never been loved but cross me and I can be one scary bitch.

If I am out with someone they get my full attention and no I do not have a wandering eye, the person I am with has a right to expect my full attention and nothing less and I expect the same thing. I think one of the greatest things to have in a relationship is a lot of laughter and being silly because that shows our vulnerable side and it shows that we do not take life so serious. I believe in everyone having their freedom to do what makes them happy but their body is mine as mine is theirs and if they fuck around then they can keep on keepin’ on as far as I am concerned.

I have tried to have good relationships but they always seem to end because of some bullshit that was not necessary and I am afraid to get involved again but I will one day because I want that swing on the back porch and I want to hold hands and listen to the crickets as the sun sets and I want to love and be loved. One day, yes one day I will meet that person that makes me feel giddy and laugh and be silly with, yes one day.

One Moment

Did you ever go to sleep knowing where you had been and where you are headed and then wake up totally lost once again? That is exactly what happened to me when I woke up this morning, totally lost and confused once again, not knowing what direction I am headed or where I have been to get here. My head feels like it is full of cotton candy as I sort through all the crap that I am trashing and what I am saving and the study looks like a bomb went off in it as I store the things I shall keep.

It is amazing how you can fit your entire life into one small room and how you wonder what you have done with all the years that are behind you. I look back and see nothing and feel nothing of days gone by, no happiness and no anger, just nothing. I just hope when I die people remember me as a good person that loved to be outrageous and to make others laugh, I hope I have touched at least one life and that I have helped at least one person who laughs when they are reminded of me.

Shelby is putting her room back together and she plans on moving back home next weekend and it will be nice to have her home again as we get along so wonderfully these days. She has the cutest bubble ass a nd perky titties, she is so beautiful and I look at her and remember when she was no bigger than a football held to my breast. Only a mother can remember the feeling of a child upon their breast and only a mother remembers every scrape, broken bone, stitch and sad event in their child’s lives.

I have decided to walk away from the fight with Doris over my dad’s estate because no amount of money or family heirlooms will ever bring back those I have lost and Doris has to answer to a higher power and she will one day. I seem to have a problem with justice not being served and I fight a good fight but have found that justice comes to all of us when we least expect it. My dad fell for all the shit Doris did and that is the way it is.

People are stupid and they cannot see what is before them no matter how colorful the artwork may be and my dad knew Doris would fuck me but he didn’t take the legal steps to protect so that is just the way it is. The biggest think I can do for myself is to be happy because no one can take that away from me and no one can make me unhappy unless I let them. People are so consumed with jealousy, greed and selfishness and I am so happy I am not one of those people.

There are times when I wonder what God wants me to achieve in this life but I never question and I know the battles before me are steps to growing and learning. The thing I miss most is family and the times I spent with my family. Those days are gone until I move to the next plane of existence and I know I will be back with my family again, in a different place, a happier setting and God knows that I need family so desperately and I hope Frankie is true to his word, that I have family in Nigeria.

Family doesn’t have a sex or color because family is love and support in its purest form and not to have it leaves us empty and lost at times. I so hope one day I meet the man who I can lie my head on his chest and feel totally safe and protected, feel loved and totally accepted. One day this love will come to me and change my life in such a wonderful way but I do not wait for such a day because there are days I do not feel like I will ever have it.