Maybe Tomorrow

Every night when I go to sleep I wonder if tomorrow will be different, if life will get easier and my troubles as well as problems fewer. I wake up and nothing has changed, same shit different day and I constantly live in fear that one day one of James friends or step dad will try to break into the house. No one should live in constant fear but I do, every day I wake up and wonder if this is the day that someone will break into my home and harm me or kill me and some may say this is irrational behavior but to me it feels very real.

I do not have guns in my home because I have always been afraid of them and possibly shooting myself by accident or someone using them to shoot me and my luck they would shoot me twenty times and I would survive. We live in such a violent society and people will do anything when they want money or in James case, his damn clothes which he will never see again. I tried to help this kid but he refused to help himself other than to my possessions which really pisses me off.

I want to slap the fuck out of him but it wouldn’t do any good because he has been following the same m.o. for years according to his mother. The kid is a pathological liar and so full of shit he makes me want to puke and lazy, this kid is so fucking lazy he won’t even go back to school and thinks getting a g.e.d. is free and a walk in the park, which it no longer is either. I’m glad I got rid of him when I did or he would have continued to steal from me and I cannot stand liars and thieves and he is both.

There are so few of givers left in this world and those that are, are used and abused and that is how we got where we are today. My own son is a liar and thief and it sickens me to my very core. He tries to manipulate me and I do not fall for his shit, that is why I am not talking to him currently. He doesn’t like to hear the truth and he pretends that he cares so much about me and wants to see me when the truth is he is fucking bored out of his mind and he knows I am the highway to his freedom.

I refuse to entertain his bullshit or to bring him home even for a visit because I cannot trust him and never know if he is going to try to kill himself again. There is no fear that is more gripping than when you find a loved one almost dead by their own hand and to live with that constant fear takes a toll on a person, or at least it did me. It is so very hard to turn your back on someone you love but sometimes it is the only way you can save yourself and yes I am saving myself.

My son has put me through hell pure and simple and I need to get away, I need total solitude and I need peace, which I do not have at this time. I cannot wait to sell this house and move out of this neighborhood and then I know James will not know where I am living. I do not know if my son will try to kill me again and I feel that he will try to succeed if I do not keep my distance from him because he has a tremendous amount of anger that is medicated and makes him appear to be quite docile.

It hurts me so bad that my own child appears to have such hate towards me but maybe I deserve it, maybe I brought all of this upon myself, maybe just maybe this is how my life is supposed to end on day. The thought of my son killing me scares me but not as much as him spending his life in prison. I no longer know who he is and never knew him at all which breaks my heart but I cannot change what has happened I can only try to avoid further events with him and if that means he stays in the hospital until he is 18 then that is the way it has to be.

There are days that I deserve to be happy and then there are days that I look at my life and accept that there is no happiness in my past, present or future. Sometimes, I just let out a loud breath and wonder what is the next pile of shit I will step into. Most people do not live the life I have lived and those that have hopefully have found a silver lining  because right now I cannot even find a seamstress that would consider sewing shit for me. I write to release my fears and to give me some sort of comfort, but how does one find comfort in constant fear?

Open One Eye

I woke up this morning, opening one eye and looking outside at the dismal sky but all I could think of was one person as my day began. I think of this person from the time I wake up until I fall asleep and then I dream of him. I worry about him, I worry he doesn’t get enough sleep, he doesn’t eat right, he isn’t shitting like he is supposed to and he doesn’t have what he needs to be really happy. I am aware he can take care of himself but does he? Do any of us really take care of ourselves? 

We need a partner that knows us well and if they really know us or care to really learn about us they know when something isn’t right, they know when we are ill, sometimes before we know ourselves. I always knew when something wasn’t right with my husband’s health and just like my children I could “smell” an illness on him. I do not know if all people have this sense but I do and it does come in handy at times but if your partner will not listen to you then you can do nothing but wait and be there to pick up the pieces.

I feel there isn’t something right with him and I do not know what it is other than it is health related and it really bothers me not to know. I worry that he isn’t eating and resting properly and he is pushing himself beyond the legal limit. I so wish he had a position that allowed him to be stationary for a time and not travel so much. He needs to wait until the first week of April before he commits himself to a new “line of study”.

He wants money and shall have it but he will have to open himself up to more learning and putting his nose to the grindstone. He needs to start enjoying his life and maybe just maybe he will retire in a few years and enjoy what he has worked so hard for. He will never be forgotten because he was given a gift by God and he performed exactly as God wished, he has changed many people’s lives and he doesn’t even know it.

Yes, the ladies love him and still do but the ladies do not give him what he needs, no most of them want to rub up against his fame and want to gain from his wealth but this woman is not the type he seeks. He wants what all of us want, to be loved for ourselves and nothing more and yes he thought he had found that love but over and over he has been fooled by  women and their ways. He tried to impress me with his name and talent but he failed miserably because that doesn’t impress me and never will.

Why did he think using his fame would attract me? Simple, it has impressed everyone else in his personal and public life. I think I confuse him because he has walked the same path and has gotten the same results time and time again, but it hasn’t worked with me. I have no doubt he can show me how to live among the rich and famous but that doesn’t do it for me and I so wish I did not know who he really is in this world because I just cannot see him that way.

He could fly me to France for lunch and then fly me to California for dinner but that doesn’t impress me much, not at all in fact because I prefer to be impressed with the person, the one that lies deep inside of him that few have ever seen. I have no interest in touching him outside because all that matters to me is what is inside and how I can quiet his restless soul and mine as well. When you care for someone you prefer to see them in their natural state, not hidden behind makeup and expensive clothes and that is me, just a plain woman who doesn’t hide behind makeup, a woman that wants to love and be loved is all that I am and all that I ever will be.