The Dungeon

I hate basements, absolutely detest going in my own and do not go unless there is usually someone with me and if I go myself, I run and get what I need and take the steps two and three at a time even though it hurts the hell out of my back. Basements signify different things to different people and most have no problem going into one but I on the other hand hate, hate, hate basements. My daughter is afraid to go into ours because we had a field mouse at one time that scared the shit out of her.

Me, well I am a pussy I guess because my basement scares me because of my past and being locked down there way to many times. I can literally see myself locked in the basement with very small windows and hardly any light from the day. I can still see myself being beat and locked in the “hole” unless I attended school and I wish I could forget those days but I cannot because I have to get shit done downstairs. I will not go down there until Shelby comes over because I fear being alone down there even though there is nothing to fear.

I need to patch, paint and put up new ceiling tiles but I just cannot bring myself to go down there myself and I fear that someone is always waiting for  me because I have an outside entrance into my basement and James left that door unlocked so him and is step dad could steal from me. I may be paranoid because I am always checking the doors to be sure they are locked and my sliding glass door I check constantly because James unlocked it and thought I didn’t see him.

I acted the same way at my old house even though there was only one entrance into the basement and I do not think I will ever fell safe going into a basement. My next home must have a first floor laundry like this house and I really do not see a need for a basement other than for resale value. I wish I could overcome my fears because there is nothing to fear but fear itself but I do not see that ever-changing for me, it hasn’t in 53 yrs. so I doubt that I will ever get over this freakish fear.

Manipulate

When you manipulate someone you are exposing the lower self through power and control and abusing both. Everyone attempts to manipulate others at one time or another by using their charms and their ways that have worked for them in the past. We are creatures of habit and we fall back on what has always worked for us and when it doesn’t we are stymied and have to figure out another course of action. When we chose to manipulate other’s we are actually using deceit in one of its purest forms and we may succeed when getting what we want but we do not succeed in getting what we need.

To control another’s actions through the use of manipulation brings to us a final result that we think we want and we do get it we find that there is karma tied to the end of it and we do end up suffering for our unsavory deed. Most do not see manipulation as a form of control but it is and when we attempt to control another we end up with something that we never expected to get, the truth comes back to us tenfold and we end up paying for this bad choice in more ways than one.

We need to accept the fact that people will do as they wish and even though you manipulate them you are not getting what the person has to offer you freely, you get what is the first step to karma getting your ass. Being a manipulator is being in the lowest form of self, the side of self we do not want to acknowledge or to accept. I have manipulated my children, my daughter I told that I could not insure a car for her unless she lived at home and even though this is true it still is a form of manipulation, which is bringing her home.

My daughter has lived away from home for almost a year and she has learned much and she thinks she is in love with her boyfriend, which I am sure she is. Once she starts college she should be free do date other’s if she so chooses but if she lived at her boyfriend’s she could not do this and that would hinder her growth. I do not wish to see her marry him but I cannot stand in her way and I must let her make her choices on her own and I do fear that she will end up divorced, which is a hard lesson in life.

My son is a master manipulator and he is acting out in the lowest form of himself but he is desperate and desperate people do desperate things. He cannot control me and he cannot get me to do what he wants, which is to come home. He has broken computers, cellphones, printers, doors ect. acting out on his anger and he must learn that this destructive behavior will never serve him well. He must grow up and learn to be a man but with a father that showed him not how to be a man is the example he has to rely on.

I so hope the hospital does teach him how to be the man God intended him to be and not to fall back on bad examples and people who have done nothing to help him grow. You cannot change people but you can show them how to be a better person but it is up to them to want to live that life and you can never change anyone, only accept them and try to show them a better way, a better life. My son has chosen communicating with his step sister instead of me which doesn’t do a damn thing for him other than to alienate me because I have the last word on who he deals with and no she is not allowed to use my child ever again.