How in the hell do you find someone who likes you for you? Not the house, car and bank account? How do you find someone who wants to know what makes you happy or sad? How do you find someone who doesn’t give a shit what you have? People are so damn materialistic and they want, want, want and keep wanting and they take everything they can get their hands on. I have realized that I cannot bring a man to my home because it gives the false appearance of a wealthy woman.
I am so far from wealthy it isn’t even funny and I was so damn stupid by sending money to someone and that has affected my credit, putting me in the low 600’s in the credit rating system. I cannot blame that person, I have to blame myself but it has been several years and I am still trying to climb out of debt. I do not owe much but it still keeps me oweing and I hate owing anybody. I was finally able to get a credit card but have a 400 dollar limit because of my stupid mistakes.
It takes a minimum of 2 years to get over a relationship of any kind and it takes even longer to rebuild your credit even if someone else left you with the bucket of shit to clean up. I am my own worse enemy by giving people too much and letting them shit on me, I am a push over or at least I was but I am learning to toughen up and not put up with shit from anybody any longer. I just recently learned that a guy I was seeing seemed more interested in what I had than who I am and that really hurt me a lot.
Everyone I meet seems to either have it all or want it all and that isn’t the type of person I want to be with, either of them. Someone that has it all you can give nothing to that will excite them and the ones that want it all just want to be with you for what you have so what is left? I do not want to live a ritzy lifestyle but I do not want to live a poor life ever again, all I want is simple yet so damn hard to find in another because people are just plain fucked up in this world as they have no morals and no values.
In five years I will be sitting on my back porch in Texas swinging by myself, listening to the crickets by myself, watching the wind blow the grass in the field and thinking of my younger days when I was pretty and thin. I will never be what I once was but it doesn’t matter because I am who I am today and that is just the way it is. Being loved for yourself is such a damn hard thing to find these days and I think I will be alone until I die because I refused to be used again and I refuse to play games to fit into someone else’s life.