I was talking to a friend today about relationships and the way I feel about them is simple, a relationship should enhance your life not control it and if your partner wants to jump over the damn moon and you do not like it, you should support them and be there for them regardless if they make it over the moon or not. Relationships should change a person for the positive and when it doesn’t then you are in the wrong relationship. When you lose that newness of a relationship it should be replaced by something so much better.
You should feel like every day is a new day to learn something new about your partner as well as yourself and this is what relationships should do for us. We should fall in love over and over with our partner and yes even sex can get boring as hell in any relationship but that can so easily be changed if the two individuals chose so. You should wake up every day feeling happy to be next to the person that snores all night and keeps you up even if you want to put a pillow over their face.
You should never wake up next to someone and have the feeling that you would rather sleep with your dog instead of that person, you should look at the person and feel an enormous amount of love for them. I love to watch the person I am in love with sleeping because that is when they are at a peaceful place that is just theirs and no not even I have room in that place. I so love to feel a man’s naked body against mine when he is sleeping and has is arm around me because he put it there to let me know he wants to be with me.
I love touching a man when he is sleeping, running my hand over his cheek, down his arms and back, thighs and butt and I really love the feel of morning wood against my ass because it is comforting to me. I really enjoy morning sex after I have brushed my teeth of course which follows the first morning pee. I can never make love in the morning unless I pee first, that’s just me. I pee all the time and I quit drinking beer because it makes me pee all damn night. I always have to pee before sex, just like having a cigarette after sex.
I am seriously going to try to quit smoking when I am in Nigeria because it is causing my blood to thicken which causes blood clots and strokes. I want to get more active and I hope that Frankie will take walks with me and get silly with me. This trip means so much to me and no one has any idea how important it is to my personal growth but I do hope Frankie is at the airport waiting for me because I so fear that he will not be there and then I will be really fucked because I am cancelling my hotel reservations in Lagos three days before I leave home.
So for those that want to jump over the moon, be sure your partner will support you no matter where you land and if they will not then you need to get a new cheering section.
All of us have power and energy inside of us and when you are comfortable around people is when you expel this energy and share it with others. You can be with a friend that has had a terrible loss and this person is serious down in the mouth. You touch their hand and speak softly, words of caring and comforting them with your love and they feel it, it moves them to another plain of reality and yes it lifts their spirit. We share our power and energy with our friends, family and lovers and that builds a connection that is not impregnable.
When two people are in love you can see a beautiful aura around them because the exude this energy for the world to see, when two people are in love, seriously in love their combined forces can be quite intimidating to others and people can see what they have is special and they want the same thing. We are electric and we share this with the one we love and this is an instant pick-me-up for the day, the month and the years that follow. If we bury our evil thoughts, jealousy and envy of others, then and only then can we share our electricity with others.
People have so much to offer each other if they would live in their hearts instead of their minds and giving is the key to a better way of life. Giving doesn’t mean giving a gift in a form of a present, o no giving comes solely from the heart, the soul and the very being within you. When you give of yourself the world rewards you in a kinder way that most never experience because they do not know how to give of themselves and some refuse to give to anybody, anything at all.
When you open your heart to the world, the world sends you gifts in the form of love and understanding and one can never have enough love or understanding to make it on their own. Nothing happens for no reason and no path is walked by mistake even though some may think so, walking a path with someone you love is a path that was meant for you to walk and maybe the two of you part ways eventually but that path was meant for both of you to walk and to grow as a person.
We should never feel bad when a relationship ends-we should feel glad that we had the time with that person and what they have taught us and vice versa. People stay in relationships when they should have walked a path by themselves long ago and this is a form of selfishness because when you are not fulfilled you cheat yourself as well as the person you are with. When you stay in a unfullfilling relationship you are not growing, learning and finding the part of yourself that you should be looking for.
None of us know all of ourselves and we are multi-faceted individuals but some people refuse to let their world open up to the unknown because of the fear that we choose not to want to experience. I know first hand that trying to hide from my fear has not served me at all and in fact has kept me from experiencing things that I need to experience to be a happier person. I know my value as a person and that gives me an advantage to most in this world because what I have to offer so many want, dream of and chase after.
I am not saying I am all that because I am not but I am one of the few “dinosaurs” left in this world because I am pure in the heart and those that know me know this and appreciate it. I have had quite a few relationships in my life and no they didn’t last because that person only had so much to teach me and I had to exit left for a new teacher. It amazes me that I am actually friends with almost every guy I have ever dated and still talk to quite a few of them on and off to this day.
Today, I still hear words like “you are so damn amazing, why didn’t we last?” and the reason is because we were not supposed to but we are still friends and I am brutally honest with them when they discuss their current relationship with me, which happens all the time. I have been getting quite a few random calls from ex-lovers as they know that I am a widow and they have always felt safe calling but lately, it’s been like a “help-line” being ran out of my home. My male friends no I pull no punches and give them nothing but straight talk and they know I will not spare their feelings when the truth is what they seek.
I had lunch with an old flame just today and he was quite confused about his current girlfriend, well let me tell you women will play games that are mean and hateful at times and that was exactly what he was experiencing. The bottom line is she was trying to force his hand into marriage and I told him to dump the bitch because he didn’t want to marry her, nope he was just tapping the well. She was nothing but a “filler” until he found the woman he wants to spend his life with.
All I know is my power and energy comes from a higher power and I will never change who I am, you can take the girl out of the country but you can never get her out of a pick up truck. I am very up front and honest and yes you may think you get what you see but I am always surprising people. I give as good as I get and more and I may appear to be funny and outrageous but I am the most affectionate and giving person I know, which is truly sad because there has got to be my mirror image out there somewhere, maybe he is looking for me right this second.
I have a friend that lives in Texas and he has been looking at houses for me to check out when I come to visit in and I think I will fly down the second week of April, before I leave for Nigeria. I want to move so bad and I want to leave this state behind me and all the problems I have had here. I have lived here my entire life and it is time to move forward and find a place just for myself once again. My son will stay hospitalized and I will visit him but as of now I have stopped all communication with him because of his lying and manipulating ways.
It is best that I do not talk to him before I leave because he upsets me so and we get nowhere because he gets pissed off at me because I will not let him get away with his lies and manipulation. I look towards Texas because it is warm and I can afford it. I want to sell this house so badly but I will not take a beating on it and live here until the price is right, Texas would be a good fit for my pocket book even though I hate the bugs down there, I wouldn’t wake up with constant pain in my hips and knee.
I so wish I could afford to build the type of home I want but those days are gone so I will have to settle for a pre-owned home once again. I do know I will never have a two-story home again because the stairs are just too much for me and I prefer a ranch anyway. I wish I could have a home over looking the ocean with one side complete windows with an electronic sliding glass doorwall that was really big, lol, one can always dream now can’t one? I wish I had a big master bedroom w/ bathroom, jacuzzi bathtub, large shower ect.
I can not afford these things any longer but it doesn’t mean that I do not like them and I spend so much time at home that my home must be comfortable. I so love to cook and I have never had a kitchen that I wanted and I never will but I do so love to look at them online. I do a lot of online “window shopping” because I do like to look but buying, well that is something totally different because I do not have a budget to shop with and if I did I would be buying for everyone but myself anyway.
I so wish I could meet a man who would appreciate me for me and I see men on tv talking about the type of woman that they want and I am her except I am not the thin woman. Weight has been a problem for years and I know I can lose it if I had a partner that would work out with me and keep me going. I hate working out but once started I continue because I do so like the results and having someone to keep me motivated is the key that I do not have. All I know is I want to share my life with someone who loves me for me and doesn’t want to control my life.
The first time you kiss someone it is always an awkward situation and having sex with them is even more awkward usually, but there are times when you meet someone and the first time is like you have been with this person forever. I have never kissed two people the same way because sometimes it has been a bout with pure lust and others there has been an attraction that has been undeniable. It’s kind of funny how I think about the person I am going to be kissing and how I would approach them.
The only person that I have ever kissed that I truly loved with every ounce of my being was Tony, he was my high school sweetheart. When we kissed it was fireworks like I had never felt before and I felt that kiss all the way to my toes and back up in a split second. When he kissed me it was like no other kiss I had ever had in my life, he was romantic, so gentle and so loving and it was wonderful absolutely wonderful. I miss playing kissie face and I miss holding hands and I miss the feel of a loving man’s body next to mine.
I also miss sex but I have lived without it so long I swear my cherry not only grew back, I have an entire orchard. I am not someone who can fuck someone just because my body needs it and I am funny about letting anyone touch me in a private way unless I plan to go further with them. The men I have dated since Bob died seem to think I am an anima because I am so romantic but have not allowed them to touch my body other than to feel my boobs and no I have not let anyone get near “kitty” no touching, no fingering and definitely no tasting.
I have too much respect for myself to let anyone use my body as a semen depository because that is how I look at it when there is no love involved and I have not loved anyone like I did Tony. Yes, as usual we broke up and my heart was devastated for years, yes literally years because when I love I love deeply and when I commit, I commit as deeply as well. Several years after I had graduated Tony and I ran across each other and when I saw him my heart skipped like ten beats and I felt every emotion I had when we were together.
He and I took a ride on his motorcycle and he showed me his apartment and he went into his bedroom which was a sign he thought he was going to get laid but it didn’t happen because he had hurt me so bad in my earlier years that I was not going to fuck him regardless. He was found murdered several years later but I still think of him all of the time because he is the only one I have ever loved like that and yes it was puppy love but damn it felt so good and I so wish I could meet someone who made me feel those butterfly’s once again.
I watch people all of the time and the one thing I have noticed is people do not show each other any affection, they do not hold hands or pass a kiss between them, they do not laugh and smile and they just appear to be two people not one. I am a very affectionate person and hand holding is something I really like to do because it connects me with the person I am with, I find nothing wrong with sharing a quick kiss or a hug with someone in public but keep the french kissing and the feeling up for another time and place.
There is no affection in this world from what I see and people do not touch at all, no hand holding no sweet pats on the back nothing, nodda. People are so distant from one another and they show no affection towards each other but they claim to be in love. When two people are in love, really in love you can see it in their eyes, their body language and the way they communicate with each other but in today’s world there is no affection between couples, just two people headed in the general direction.
I so want a relationship that involves hand holding, the little stolen kisses, laughter, silliness and love but trying to find that in today’s world is like finding a needle in a haystack. People are calculated and have an agenda which is generally an unsavory one. People do not judge others on character anymore, they are judged on what they have or who they are and that is just plain sick to me because I have been used so much I can no longer find comfort in going out into the world and dealing with others.
I have a sixth sense and I know when I am around someone who has “evil” in their minds and hearts, I can feel it when I am in their presence and I just know when someone isn’t good when I am focused. I couldn’t see this with Brandon or James because I was so caught up in my son and he was my main focus. People that listen to me realize that I am not full of shit and I do have the ability to pick up on the “bad ones” or people who just do not have pureness in their hearts.
We have a full moon at the end of the month in Libra and this is a monster moon for many, relationships will come to a final end and there will be much strife for those with Libra accented in their charts. I will do nothing of any importance until the first week of April because I know it will be safe then to move forward and I will do much better financially with the sale as well. I signed a contract today but it is ok because I am redoing with another company which is part of Mercury retrograde even though it has gone direct we really shouldn’t make important decisions the week before or the week after it goes direct.
I am not always right but more often than not I am and I try to warn people but they think I am off my rocker which is fine because what will be will be. I have a really good feeling about this sale and because I am waiting until the first week of April for them to come into my home the better the sale will go. I won’t get shit from the sale financially but I will have peace of mind which means more to me anyway. I really like Aaron and his brother so that is a step in the right direction, liking those that work for you is always a must.
It’s such a sad state of affairs our world is in and it saddens me so to look around and see the way people are. People want everything so damn quickly and they no longer care who they hurt to get what they want. People gravitate to other’s that are like them and if they are into drugs, then their friends are into drugs, if they are into stealing than their friends are generally thieves as well. There are so few people who are leaders with good intentions and those people generally have few friends because people are just fucked up.
People find me to be strange because I believe in the metaphysical, afterlife and I also believe I lived in another time. I feel as if I am a misplaced soul that has come back to this world to try to teach others how to slow down, enjoy life, love with purity and give with honesty. I have one friend that knows what I am about and understands what makes me really happy, she knows what really means something to me and what doesn’t and she is my true soul sister. We are both scorpios and totally understand each other and neither of us have ulterior motives which is great.
We only live about 15 minutes away from each but we rarely see each other and when we do it is like we have never had a span of time between the visits. I love this woman like no other and she always listens to me and gives me the best advice and she is one person I actually listen to. She gets me and understands why I am the way I am and there is no other person that could ever fill the space in my heart for her. Having a best friend like her is so rare and I am so thankful that I do have her.
I so want to see the good in people and I so wish this world was like it was back in the early 60’s but it never will go back to that time even though life does repeat itself. Being raised on a farm is quite different from being raised in the city and the two shall never meet. I so miss the simple life when chasing a beautiful butterfly was fun or swinging on a tree swing was exciting and I feel as if what I have to offer others is kindness, love and understanding. I try so hard to understand this world but I have failed and I will never fully understand what has happened to us as a society.
People ask me why I want to go to Nigeria and the answer is simple, I need to bring myself back to a place of peace within myself and to do that I need to see the world as it really is. People who visit Nigeria may say the country sucks but that is because they are used to all of the modern conveniences of the U.S. and the comforts of home mean so much to people, the material world rules people, which makes me sad. People attempt to buy their happiness and place their faith in what they can buy.
This world had better change for the better or we will totally destroy what is left of it but things have to die before there can be a rebirth but I do so hope we do not destroy our world because it will not be reborn. When people put their faith in a higher power and live our lives with the purest of intentions then and only then can the world become a better place. I hate the way this world has become so unsafe, so greedy, so selfish. I will eventually meet my soulmate, the man God intended me to be with and he will be a mirror image of myself but so far I have yet to meet anyone of the opposite sex that is anything like me.