Sometimes I dream of the perfect day and to me that would be a warm summer day riding a horse and being as free as he is. I dream of fishing, lol yes fishing because it is so calming and I enjoy it so much. The perfect day is spending it riding horses and going fishing with someone you really enjoy spending time with and sharing yourself with. I am not one that wants much but I so wish I had a horse again and I so wish I could go fishing in Wyoming because it looks like such a beautiful state.
I would so love to take a motorhome cross-country with the man I love and we could enjoy all the beauty that surrounds us, stopping to camp and enjoy an evening fire. I love solitude away from the ugliness of this world and I love when I am in tune with life. I hope that one day I can walk hand in hand with the one I love and share silence that is comfortable, sharing a simple meal and lying in bed in his arms just relaxing and enjoying the moment. I have tried to be a giving and loving person and I have succeeded most of the time.
I wake every day with this little bit of sadness that hangs over me until the boys come and lick my face and want to play with me. Gabe and Mike as Shelby calls them are the most delightful little creatures and they make me smile through my tears. The tears no longer flow as much as they use to and I smile more and feel better about myself so life is getting better for me. I have not shared myself with a man in years and I know exactly why I haven’t. When you carry someone in your heart you do not “cheat” on that person even if you do not have a relationship with that person.
You do not have sex with someone for the sake of having sex unless you are a man because a man will fuck a snake if you hold it’s head long enough for him. Men are meant to sow their seeds but women, well women need to have more respect for themselves and if you love someone you do not sleep with anyone else, you just don’t because you should be holding out for that one special person and never sell yourself short and that is what I have done. I may never meet this man and I thought I had replaced him but once again God intervened and said no to me.
When you are in a relationship that is loving and healthy you do not think of another person or want to be with anyone but that person. I have tried to fill my life with a man but the men that have parked in my life were quickly towed away and that is because I learned what little I could learn from them and some of those lessons have hurt me to the bone. I have tried to move on and I have to a certain degree but I seem to be like an airplane stuck in a holding pattern because I cannot get this one person out of my mind.
I am constantly thinking of him, what he is doing, if he is eating right, sleeping right and most importantly if he is happy, really happy. I want him to be happy even if it is not with me by his side because I love this person that much. His happiness is more important to me than being the one that makes him happy and that is how I know I really love him, when you truly love someone you want to give them the world and see them smiling constantly and that is my wish for him.
I get so damn mad at him and I take so much out on him because I have no one else that I can unload on that understands how difficult life has been for me. If we were together I would constantly be doing things for him that mean more than an expensive gift because he can buy the world if he so chooses. The gifts I wish to give him cannot be bought and can only be given from the heart and I do not want anything from him that he can purchase, no I want what he cannot purchase, what he must give freely from his heart.
There are so many times I wish he were by my side and I could lean into him and be hugged and be told that everything will be ok, life will be easier and he would be there for me no matter how fucked up I can get at times. I am so tired physically and emotionally and he is the only one that can give me a restful sleep and that tells my heart that he and only he is the one that can make me happy. I so wish we could ride horses and go fishing because that is what makes me so happy, not the expensive things in life, not the fancy houses and surely not the fancy gifts.