Sometimes….

Sometimes I dream of the perfect day and to me that would be a warm summer day riding a horse and being as free as he is. I dream of fishing, lol yes fishing because it is so calming and I enjoy it so much. The perfect day is spending it riding horses and going fishing with someone you really enjoy spending time with and sharing yourself with. I am not one that wants much but I so wish I had a horse again and I so wish I could go fishing in Wyoming because it looks like such a beautiful state.

I would so love to take a motorhome cross-country with the man I love and we could enjoy all the beauty that surrounds us, stopping to camp and enjoy an evening fire. I love solitude away from the ugliness of this world and I love when I am in tune with life. I hope that one day I can walk hand in hand with the one I love and share silence that is comfortable, sharing a simple meal and lying in bed in his arms just relaxing and enjoying the moment. I have tried to be a giving and loving person and I have succeeded most of the time.

I wake every day with this little bit of sadness that hangs over me until the boys come and lick my face and want to play with me. Gabe and Mike as Shelby calls them are the most delightful little creatures and they make me smile through my tears. The tears no longer flow as much as they use to and I smile more and feel better about myself so life is getting better for me. I have not shared myself with a man in years and I know exactly why I haven’t. When you carry someone in your heart you do not “cheat” on that person even if you do not have a relationship with that person.

You do not have sex with someone for the sake of having sex unless you are a man because a man will fuck a snake if you hold it’s head long enough for him. Men are meant to sow their seeds but women, well women need to have more respect for themselves and if you love someone you do not sleep with anyone else, you just don’t because you should be holding out for that one special person and never sell yourself short and that is what I have done. I may never meet this man and I thought I had replaced him but once again God intervened and said no to me.

When you are in a relationship that is loving and healthy you do not think of another person or want to be with anyone but that person. I have tried to fill my life with a man but the men that have parked in my life were quickly towed away and that is because I learned what little I could learn from them and some of those lessons have hurt me to the bone. I have tried to move on and I have to a certain degree but I seem to be like an airplane stuck in  a holding pattern because I cannot get this one person out of my mind.

I am constantly thinking of him, what he is doing, if he is eating right, sleeping right and most importantly if he is happy, really happy. I want him to be happy even if it is not with me by his side because I love this person that much. His happiness is more important to me than being the one that makes him happy and that is how I know I really love him, when you truly love someone you want to give them the world and see them smiling constantly and that is my wish for him.

I get so damn mad at him and I take so much out on him because I have no one else that I can unload on that understands how difficult life has been for me. If we were together I would constantly be doing things for him that mean more than an expensive gift because he can buy the world if he so chooses. The gifts I wish to give him cannot be bought and can only be given from the heart and I do not want anything from him that he can purchase, no I want what he cannot purchase, what he must give freely from his heart.

There are so many times I wish he were by my side and I could lean into him and be hugged and be told that everything will be ok, life will be easier and he would be there for me no matter how fucked up I can get at times. I am so tired physically and emotionally and he is the only one that can give me a restful sleep and that tells my heart that he and only he is the one that can make me happy. I so wish we could ride horses and go fishing because that is what makes me so happy, not the expensive things in life, not the fancy houses and surely not the fancy gifts.

In Tune

When you are in tune with yourself the world is all right, everything falls into place and good things happen in your life. Being in tune with the world around you is the key to peace of mind and peace within. I have finally become in tune with the world around me, my chakra and my center. How do you know when you are in tune? Good things start happening and when Mercury is retrograde is keeps us out of tune with ourselves and the universe and it gives us an opportunity to redo, repair and remember.

Mercury has gone direct so that allows us to get back in tune and when we do open up to the world around us good things happen. I have been so desperate in wanting to get before the judge so I can be off of probation that was imposed because I entered my dad’s home. I could have fought it but the judge made it perfectly clear that if I didn’t get a not guilty verdict from the jury she was going to put me in jail for a year, so I chose to take the easy way out and except a misdemeanor and a year of probation which is going to be dropped because the deal was I take an anger management course and she closed my case.

I will be going to court April 5 and I will be done with the probation crap, hell they have me calling in once a month instead of seeing a probation officer and I did the anger management online so that tells you how serious my case was, what a fucking joke. My girlfriends boyfriend’s mom put up a 1000 dollar bail for me, which I paid her back the next day and she filed to get that money back last month and she received the check yesterday which is going to be applied to Shelby’s school.

They kept 100 dollars to cover my “stay at the ritz”, yes you have to pay to stay in jail like it was a fucking vacation. All the legal crap is going to be done and behind me before I leave on my trip and that is great. I was able to find another company to sell all of my shit and things have been moving along in the cleaning and repairing of the house. All of this is because I am finally in tune with the world around me, the energies that are positive and a renewed inner peace. I think I have finally gotten past the rough patch in my life and things are slowly getting better.

I can feel the positive energy around me and that makes a world of difference in our lives, when we deflect the negative and absorb the positive. I am starting to feel like a new person, someone who has finally awoke and someone who is finally embracing all the good around me. We have a monster moon on our heels and that moon will shock quite a few people with what it brings but I, well I fear not this monster moon because I am to into all the positive around me.

This moon is going to show us what we haven’t been able to see in others, the manipulation will be quite heavy and endings are eminent. If you have been wavering in a relationship it will come to the finale, finally. I am not involved with anyone so I look at the full moon as a time of positive change for myself. Full moon’s always affect me for about a week after they show themselves and my head feels like it is full of little devil worshipers that want to confuse me. I do not go out on full moons because they do bring out the insane in people.

Some people are out of tune with their lives and the full moon will bring a culmination to all of the shit they have been questioning or dealing with in their lives. This full moon is coming at the exact perfect time for me because it opens the door for April and all the great things finally coming my way. I am so excited for April to come I could just pee myself. I am in tune with life and life is finally in tune with me and great things are about to happen, I do not know what they are, all I know is being in tune is a wonderful feeling.