Just Tickled

I love selling shit and I have a buyer for my golfcart, shed, deck and possibly my screen room as well, this makes me very happy and I will dump my rv here shortly as well or so I hope. The shed and golfcart will bring in 2 grand and the screenroom and deck will bring almost ten grand if they sell. I just love when I can move shit I no longer want and it will give me the money I need to get Shelby a car for graduation. I want to surprise her with a car on graduation day and that would thrill the shit out of me.

I love giving people presents and especially gifts they can use or really want and Shelby really needs a car to get to work. I have been able to get her a job with my attorney and that will teach her so much about the law so when she does finally get to law school she will be so far ahead of everyone else and she will know how the real world of law works. She will be attending U of D law school and that will be great for her as it is a small school and the lawyers recommend their school mates and they are like one big frat group.

I am just tickled pink about getting rid of this shit and the timing could not be any better, I have the rv for sale at 27,900 but will go down to 24,900 just to dump it. I will be able to pay off my attorney fees and get Shelby a car and that makes me want to do the Scoobie dance. Most people would think that this is no big deal but to me it means everything because as a parent you want to give your children what they need and she is going to have to take out student loans to get through school.

I want to get her a 05-06 red fusion because that is what she had before it got repoed and I can afford the insurance on it, she will only be making minimum wage and she is going to have to contribute to the cost of insurance as that will make her responsible. I do not believe in giving your children everything they want or need without them earning it or contributing to the cost as it makes them appreciate it so much more. Life just keeps getting better and better and all I need is someone to love and life would be complete.

Thinking

I think of touching your face, kissing your lips, holding your hand. I think of your smile and your laugh and I think of you everyday, all day long wondering if you are with someone, wondering if you are happy, wondering just wondering about you. I wonder if you are happy driving your expensive cars and living in your expensive house wearing expensive clothes and going to expensive restaurants. I wonder if these things mean anything to you any longer or if you have grown to realize they mean nothing.

I wonder if you know what it means to be loved for yourself, the person behind the face and I wonder if you can see who I am or am I just another female on your long list of females. I wonder if you will ever let me make you smile or let me make you laugh in front of me and I wonder if you will always hide and carry the shame that is in your heart. I wonder if your conscious can let go of the thing you are not proud of and I wonder if you think you can make it up to me, the things you did to me.

I wonder if you think I hate you for what you did and I wonder if you think I will throw it in your face and I wonder how much you actually fear meeting me for what you did hurt me terribly and you know it. Let me tell you this hon, what happened has happened and will never be repeated and I do not look back but forward and I have learned so much and have grown tremendously from my past experiences. You are no longer the smart scammer and I am no longer the innocent fool and that is why I refuse to look back.

I do not harbor ill feelings toward you at all and I do wish you would let go of what happened because it does not serve you well, now does it? I wonder if you sleep well and I wonder if you ever think about me and if you don’t that’s ok. I am in a good place in my life and it is a shame you are not part of it but that is the way it is and I accept that. Be true to yourself my friend and be true to your heart and you will find what you have been looking for, for so very long.

Why We Are So Unhappy

The world used to be easy, it used to be simple and people used to care about one another but that is no longer our world. We teach our children from birth that love is tied to possessions and love is getting everything you want and getting it now. Our youth are taught by the tv, video games, the neighbors and their friends and parents like the idea of having a family, but not being family. Family is discipline, love, honesty and teaching the hard lessons that we must learn to survive in this world.

Parents do not teach their children how to survive in this world, o no let’s just buy them something and that is the answer. Parents are to caught up in making money, driving the nice cars and living in the fancy homes. Parents compete with their neighbors, friends and family as if winning the race is about what they have and what they can buy. I was raised on a farm, and then my mother took us back and we lived in poverty for years, there were no gifts just because and there was no love, period.

Parents need to be role models of the highest level of consciousness and need to take the time to listen to their children, what children do not say is what we should really be listening for and most don’t want to be bothered by their children’s cries. I am smart enough to listen and I am also smart enough to know if I do not have the answers than I go to someone who does. The answers we seek are not always in books or through other people, sometimes those answers come from God or whatever higher power you believe in.

We want to save our children pain when the fact is we must let them to feel pain to prepare them for life. Life has become so difficult because we are used to getting everything we want or at least some people are living a life like that. It’s life’s challenges that strengthen us, it being real that makes us the happiest and being loved for ourselves is what we are demanding of each other. The person that says they love you and are always holding their hand out do not know what true love is and they shall never find it.

We stay in unfulfilling relationships because we are afraid to go it alone, well I have gone it alone for most of my life and I have learned that going it alone isn’t so bad after all. When you are comfortable being alone and you are happy with yourself when you least expect it real love will come to you. When we search for that elusive one we never find them and when we are walking along the path by ourself out of the blue comes that special person, that special one that turns your head and keeps it turned.

My head has been turned but never for long because there is always some form of manipulation or ownership going on, there’s always the shit I have that gets in the way or the person has everything they could ever want and they wanted to add me to their wardrobe collection. I am not one that you can own, control or change because I have one man in my life that has the power that no real man could ever have, yes I believe strongly in God and the power he has and I never forget that he doesn’t make mistakes, no he teaches us the lessons we need to learn.

I had the most bizarre dream last night and I have no idea what it is supposed to mean but it felt so damn real it was actually scary. I dreamed that I met a man who had it all but he acted like a regular person, he wasn’t a pompous ass and he was kind. He wanted to give me everything and he could but we were happy with just each other, we enjoyed the simple things in life and we had a great time with each other. He gave me gifts everyday, the gifts he gave was of himself, his love, his knowledge and silliness and we got along like a hand and glove.

It was love in its purest form and I felt such serenity in my slumber and I never wanted to wake up, but alas, I did but I woke to my boys licking my eyes and cheeks which made me smile so. It’s moments like these that I am so thankful that I am alive and I am who I am because I know the secret to true happiness, the simple life, honest love and pure devotion. I am getting closer to my vacation and I am feeling peace and joy everyday and it feels damn good to want for nothing and I am happy that way.