I am feeling pretty damn good today so I am making cookies and shit, lol. I have mopped the kitchen floor, sold Bob’s christmas village, and just feeling so good. The sun has come out and that really lifts my spirits and gives me the energy to get off my dead ass. My foot is killing me because I ran into the center of the table that is against the wall because I cannot lift it to put it in the table. I treated myself to some new lingerie for my trip, not that anyone will see me wearing it but it makes me feel good about myself.
Shelby is leaving for Florida tonight and she will be gone a week on her class trip and I was able to get another charge card and added her so she can learn how to be responsible with it. She is financially draining me between this trip and her prom I am going broke. We will be getting our tats on April 5 and she is getting angel wings in memory of her dad and I am getting thumper in memory of my grandmother and a hummingbird because they are so beautiful and strong yet so delicate.
I am making homemade chocolate chip cookies and will give her some for her trip to munch on and I will either take Ryan some or mail them not sure which just yet. I left a message for his therapist asking if I can take him out on Sunday for a few hours. I want to get him some new clothes, go to the movies and have lunch and I think this might help him quite a bit, or so I do hope. I miss my son so much but he has seriously drained the fuck right out of me and I cannot help him until he helps himself.
I think it’s time to show him that I do have faith in him and I do want him to eventually come home but I am in no hurry because he has quite a bit of work to do on himself yet. Sometimes, we must turn our backs on our children because it is best for them even though it hurts us as parents. Two things that tear up children is the death of a parent or a divorce and we do not realize what our children experience through these trying times. Children carry the weight upon their shoulders and they carry guilt and blame themselves.
Children pretend they are ok when they actually are hurting like hell inside and we do not realize that they want to die at times and sometimes they even try to commit suicide, as my son did.
I use to honestly believe that I was damaged goods, beyond repair and not worth loving or even be cared for but I have been so damn wrong for so long and I finally see the light, feel my self worth and the love of self. Yes, I finally have found that loving self changes your entire world, your entire view of yourself as well as others. I am not damaged goods, I may have a few bumps, scrapes and paint chips but I am still quite an awesome working piece of machinery.
I have exposed so much of myself that even my own family doesn’t know about me and I am learning to love again, yes I am learning to love myself again as I once did. People can be so mean and hateful but you have to be a duck and let that shit roll off your back like water and swim on. I can swim, I can do the breast stroke as well as the butterfly and I feel good about who I am and accept what my past has held me back from which is personal growth. I am a fantastic person to know, to have as a friend and love.
When we accept ourselves, all of ourselves which includes all the bad we have done to others as well as ourselves we become quite beautiful in our own eyes as well as others. I have had more than my share of personal failures and I have never given up, no I do fall but I pick myself up and move on and I refuse to let anything or anyone hold me back any longer. I am pretty, in my own way and I ooze with love and devotion and Gabriel and Michael know that I am a great person or they wouldn’t wake me with kisses every morning now would they??
I am learning to love again, love myself again and everything else is falling right into place and it feels right, it feels good and I finally sleep a restful sleep and I feel good, damn good about myself and God has shown me that the mirror has the crack not me and I can see through that crack and I see a woman of substance, strength, endurance and someone quite unique in her own way and nobody will ever make me feel damaged or broken ever again.
I am so bored I am going nuts, sick of cleaning and going through crap and looking for some fun so I posted an ad online and I am looking for someone to have some fun with. Not looking for sex and do not want sex, just fun, laughs and getting silly with someone. I have had several reply’s already and I think this may turn out to be something I need and meeting new people who want to have fun is my main objective but I will never rule out love because you never know who you could fall for.
I have reached the point in my life that I want to have a committed relationship but I am in no hurry and have learned about jumping into something to fast. I am looking for a guy that has a job, is financially and emotionally stable, fun, adventurous and likes to fish of course. I do not need a rich guy, just someone who can pay his bills and can afford an occasional concert ticket or baseball ticket and that is about it. I prefer wealthy men because they are generally well educated and interesting, their money means not a damn thing.
I do not want someone who things happiness comes by buying shit, I need a spiritual type, intelligent and caring and hopefully I will finally meet that type of guy. I am no longer putting my life on hold for anyone else and I am going to do what makes me happy, really happy and that is having fun.