What The World Needs Now

The world is so full of hate, anger and greed and we do not have enough love, we do not share love and we do not give love to those that need it the most. We look at the man sitting on the side of the road with a sign asking for food or work and we drive by, we see children dirty and wearing torn clothes and we drive by, we see an abandoned dog and we drive by. There is just to little love in this world and those that have it hold on to it as if it were a precious metal.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vp1F16_7lO0

I have so little to offer the world but I do have love a plenty and I want to share that with the world, I want to leave this world a better place, more love, more understanding, more selfless acts of kindness. I feel so lost in this cesspool we cal our world and I feel like I am out of character, out-of-place, out of sight and I feel as if no one can see me, the real me. I am so far from perfect and I have made some very grave errors in judgement in my life but I still believe in love and sharing it with the world.

I have a huge back of candy canes, and bubble blowers for the children, the random children I shall meet on my trip to Nigeria. I am so happy when I can make a child smile, laugh and feel giddy, it’s such a small thing I can do that can change a bad day for a child but that is me, wanting to share my world with others so badly in a good way. I am not the least bit greedy or self centered and I would give the shirt off my back to anyone that needed it and maybe that is considered stupid but that is my way.

I want to help so many but I do not have the means to do so but I have knowledge, knowledge that I would love to share with those that need it. I am not a movie star, scholar or anyone important to anyone else in this world but my heart is open and it is giving. I am seeking to quiet that little corner of my being that is confused and lost at times, yes even I have those moments of melancholy and loneliness and I just want to make another person smile, laugh and happy if only for a moment.

Little Ole Me

I wear an ugly robe

Naked underneath

I sit by myself

Hearing the words

That are so scary

Will you marry me

They come from nowhere

They have no true meaning

Nothing but words without

Any glory

I do not know why

The words have come to 

Me

Because they mean nothing

To little ole me

 

When

I think of him I think of a smile that reaches his eyes and I think of placing my hand gently on his cheek, I think of running my hands through his hair and down his back and giving him a warm oil message as we talk. I think of making  him dinner and feeding him desert, listening to music and laughing. I think of getting totally silly and shoving an ice cream cone in his face and licking it off. I think of holding hand and jumping in mud puddles and chasing that damn rooster down and cooking him for dinner.

I think of quiet moments and being ourselves, putting on no airs, no pretending we are someone we are not, no lies, no bullshit just two friends talking and enjoying a day. I think of riding horses and going fishing and I think of making him laugh so hard he pees himself. I think of sharing a simple picnic lunch under a tree and I think of simplicity and ease of self, I think of moments that cannot be bought and I think of resting my head on his shoulder and him hugging me telling me everything will be ok.

I think of his moral support and I think of him being happy for a change because knowing that he isn’t happy upsets my world. I think of him, the man not the myth and surely not the legend and I think of how strange an unlikely pair we are. I think of him everyday and I pray for him every night, I pray for his health, safety, happiness, contentment and I pray for him to have peace within himself. I pray he finds true love and I pray that he finds himself once again.

This is how I know I love this man with every fiber of my being because I want nothing but happiness for this man, even if it does not include me. When you think of another’s happiness instead of your own then and only then do you really love that person. I wouldn’t care if he worked in a bakery and I wouldn’t care if he lived in a shack because I care for him and him alone and it is driving me insanely crazy to care for someone so much that I will never meet.

My Favorite Things Of Today

I have kind of a strange list of favorite things but they make me happy and they make me smile and some I just plain enjoy for the taste:

snow crab legs because they are sweeter than king crab usually

Horses, I love horses because they are gentle giants

Fruits and Veggies because they taste great especially with real butter for the veggies

Shrimp because it tastes great with my homemade cocktail sauce

Chocolate, love love love chocolate because it is chocolate

Traveling, I like to learn about other countries, people and their traditions

Giving, I love to give gifts but more importantly I love giving of myself

Men, men are fun and can be so exciting

Sex, who doesn’t love good sex? I prefer great sex and I seem to always give so much more than what I get

Home, home is safe, it is security, it is where we are ourselves

Entertaining friends, I love to entertain my friends and cooking for them really makes me happy

Cooking and Baking, I just absolutely love to feed people

Quiet evenings with someone special, I like sitting on a swing in the backyard chatting and enjoying the sounds of summer with someone special

Serious Relationship, nothing makes me happier than when I am in love with someone and can show them how much they mean to me

Black raspberry jam, love love love

Water, I am at peace when I am near water and I love waking up to the sound of the ocean

High thread count sheets, I really like the feel of clean sheets against my body

Vitabath bubble bath, love my bubble bath

Jacuzzi bathtub, love my bubble baths and soaking my aching body

Laughter, love to make people laugh and people who make me laugh

Sillyness, being silly is the key to the inner child and being happy

Gabriel, sweet, kind, wild, crazy and a bit zany

My pets, they give me more than any other person ever has

Music, should be at the top of the list, it moves me so

Sunshine, warms me up and makes me feel great

So there you have a few of my favorite things, things that mean the most to me and yes I have a huge list but why bother as the important ones I have mentioned.

H2O+NaCl

Nope, not happening unless I am extremely happy, no more tears for this baby girl because I am happy and I am loving this feeling. I am happy with who I am and where I am at in my present life. I think one of the biggest changes that I have made is letting go of the material shit that I own in my home. I am just so ready to free myself up to move and I have finally accepted that the shit I have has been holding me back and holding me down.It is truly amazing how your life can change when you let go of the things you thought meant the most to you.

I am happiest in my home because I have a false sense of security there and I can be myself, I do not have to wear clothes and the only ones that see my are my pets and quite frankly they do not care if I am dressed or not as long as they are fed and loved. I love my pets so much and they are part of my center, my world and where my love comes from. It has taken me a very long time to get to this place I am at and I am in no hurry to change it one bit because I have come to realize that there is not a single thing I could want for.

God lead me to this point in my life and I have finally learned some of the lessons he has been trying to teach my stubborn ass. Yes, I swear a lot when I am with my friends but people I do not know I do not say much at all because I am shy, but once you get to know me, watch out because my mouth never shuts up! I am never intentionally cruel to others unless they provoke me and then I rip them apart and they no longer wish to fuck with me. As far as my family, stay away from them because I will fight to the death for my family and my friends.

It cannot teach others how to be happy but you can show them how simple it is to find that happiness within themselves. Once you accept the fact that you are not defined by your money or possessions, then and only then are you ready to take the first step into your own happiness. I cannot express how happy I am and I wouldn’t change a thing right now, not for a million dollars. No amount of money can buy what I have discovered within myself and I wish others could feel what I am feeling.

Just A Mom

When a woman says she is “just a mom” she is not giving herself the credit she deserves because a mom is everything rolled into one. A mom gives until it hurts and she keeps on giving and she loves her family and defends them to the bitter end. A mom is a chauffeur, cook, maid, friend, disciplinarian, encyclopedia and so much more and a mom thinks of her kids day and night. My children are not home for Easter so I sent Easter to them in a box, I bought tons of candy and put a typical I love you note in the box before I mailed them yesterday.

Neither child of mine is expecting to receive anything from me so it will be a great surprise for both of them, I put Shelby on the plane with homemade chocolate chip cookies and her own credit card along with some cash in hand. Ryan, well we haven’t spoken in a week and it is needed for him to get his shit together and change his nasty attitude towards me. I haven’t decided if I will visit him on Sunday or not but just in case I do not I have sent him a box of goodies as well.

I think with the sun coming out more that will help his attitude because sunshine makes a world of difference in our outlook on life and when you live in the eastern portion of the states a lack of sun really puts a lot of people into seasonal affect disorder. The sun gives off vitamin D and so much more and it helps to balance us emotionally as well as physically. I am into all types of healing, emotionally as well as physically. I search for answers online, through the stars and God and I do find what I am looking for eventually.

People think I am weird, strange and just a odd duck because I do believe and search out information in what others think is the strangest places. Being physic does help me but sometimes I am so damn accurate I scare the shit out of myself. I have telling dreams and answers come to me in my sleep, truth pours out onto to the table and the things I do not want to know come to me regardless, I tell friends things and they believe me because I do not hand them a line of shit, just the truth.

I am loving myself more each day and I am happy, damn happy and it is strange because I have been so unhappy for years. I think my trip has a lot to do with it because I am going for myself, yes I am going with my heart and mind open to experience new lands and people, meet friends and share myself and my knowledge that may be in need of it. No, I do not have a ph.d but I do have an elevated understanding of how life works and how to change my world from empty to overflowing.

I am so damn bubbly, champagne cannot even compete with me and I am smiling and laughing and feeling so damn good it should be a crime to be this happy with oneself. I am a very deep person and I have a heart that is so big nothing can contain it. I am a giver, a lover of life and a lover of self and that is the secret to being happy, really happy and I am infectious and make me people feel so much better and they laugh and smile and we have a great time.

If you need a lift come play with me and I will show you how to be happy but you have to do the hard work as I can only show you what makes you happy, you have it all inside of yourself and all you need to do is cut the locks and let yourself enjoy the child within, let yourself open up to the peace that surrounds you and teach you about inner self love and acceptance. Let me make your world one of a smile, a laugh and let me show you how to lift the weight from your heart and to be the person you are truly meant to be.

Rest

I so enjoy lieing in bed in the morning and watching as the sun’s shadow dances across the wall and brightens the room, Gabriel, Michael, Khloe and myself slowly wake up with a renewed vigor, a renewed love of life and we are happy, yes we are happy. We play and give kisses, Khloe chases my hand moving under the blanket and the boys jump on her and it is another good day. I love sleeping naked and lately I have been sleeping with my wifebeater on to keep my chest warm.

I move my  legs to the side of the bed and as I wake up and stretch I feel so good it is almost scary. I am looking forward to another sunny day, the weather warming and getting things done that I have been working on. I am in a happy place, a great place and I am loving my life for a change. When you have a positive attitude when you wake life is so much better and when you know you are happy with yourself that is when life really shines and things get so much better.Photoss

I have been on a “wonder roll”, that is when everything seems wonderful and it has nothing to do with anyone but myself. I do not need a man in my life to make me feel good about myself and that is something I was so confused about for so long. I identified myself through my children and my husband and I got lost in that dismal state for so very long but now that has all changed and I love myself for who I am and I know that I am from a mold that was broken long ago.

Being happy with who you are, where you are at in your life and what you have is paramount to personal happiness and growth. We cannot rely on others to make our world as we would like it and we cannot look to others to give us the self satisfaction that we need. I wake up smiling and laugh throughout the day at silly shit but that’s ok because I am laughing and there has been so many years that there was no laughter, no music in my life but now I hear a new melody everyday, and it feels damn good.