I have been through quite a month physically and it has finally taken it’s toll on me, things that wouldn’t usually bother me really get on my last nerve because I am so fucking tired. I am not used to being this tired and I am not used to not being able to do things myself and get things done. I cannot even sweep the kitchen floor without sitting down and taking a long break, that is how damn exhausted I am. My dr. has told me I will feel like this for about a month or so afterward.
I didn’t realize I would be this damn tired and continue to feel like this during my trip and I do so hope it doesn’t ruin my vacation. I do not drink often and I was planning on having a few tequila nights but it doesn’t look like it is going to happen. I like semi sweet wines and I had a half of glass the other night and wow it knocked me for a loop and I had to put my drunk ass to bed, the dr. told me no drinking but of course I had to push the envelope and I learned my lesson.
I get drunk super easy because I drink so rarely so I must keep myself in check or I will end up drunk and puking and that isn’t pretty. My trip cannot come soon enough for me because I really need to relax and rest. Frankie has me all fucked up wanting me to spend one night in Lagos and then going to Asaba, doesn’t make sense to me but Frankie doesn’t make sense quite a bit to me. We talked today and I had a very difficult time understanding him because the connection wasn’t the best.
I am so looking forward to meeting Ms. Kimberly and I smile everytime I think of her and he tells me some of the shit she does, lol. She sounds like quite the handful and I love when kids are like that but I do like to be able to give them back to their parents because I just do not have the energy I once had. Kids are great fun and they always say and do the darnest things but they require so much energy that I do not look forward to taking care of my grandchildren because I know I cannot keep up with them, that is when they are born.
I get on with kids really well because I can relate to what they are going through or what they have experienced and they appreciate an adult that treats them as an equal instead of a kid. All kids want is someone who listens, understands and who can relate without belittling them and making them feel inferior. I think of my Bess when I talk of young kids and I try not to but I cannot help it especially this time of year because this is the week I lost her to a miscarriage.
Well, this one is wiped and trying to hang on for a bit longer but I do believe sleep is taking over, I usually am in bed by nine, I know I am an old lady but I need so much sleep, like ten hours and I do not understand how others can operate on 4-5 hrs. I guess I have turned into a stick in the mud but that is ok because I am getting on alright. Life is getting better each and everyday and I am thankful for what I have and where I am at and I am obviously headed in the right direction.
I am so fucking tired I can hardly stand, my feet have been swollen for weeks even though I am taking water pills given to me by my dr. but it doesn’t seem to be doing any good. This damn radiation has really knocked me for a loop and I should be resting instead of working my ass off. Shelby should have helped me more but we were so enjoying spending time together that I didn’t push it, I have given her carte blanche for her senior year because that means so much to everyone that is graduating.
I have spent so much damn money on her prom dress, graduating trip and I am trying to save for a car but I have put to much of myself aside to make her senior her nothing less than wonderful. I was never allowed to date in high school and I had to sneak around. I never went to a single dance, my prom or anything that a senior should be doing because my mother was, well let me leave that alone. I have spent money saved for my trip on my daughter and I am so hoping that the guy that wants to buy items at my rv comes through.
God has brought so many positive changes in my life and I am so thankful because it is my time, this is my year for all positive changes and moves and things are on a roll in my favor. I have met so many men and I havent been looking and this is so odd to me. I have yet to have sex with any of them but I have literally slept with one, yes we slept no sex, no bj’s, no kitty lickin nope nadda nothing that deep because I do not let myself go to just anyone that easily.
It’s been nice to be respected for my beliefs and those that did not are no longer part of my circus and never will be. I will never sleep with someone I do not love, not now not ever because I am old fashioned and do have morals and my integrity and I refuse to be a notch on anyone’s belt. I keep smiling even though I am dog tired and I am so glad I kept Bob’s shower chair because I have had to use it quite a few times in the last month for fear of falling in the shower because I have been so weak.
My kids do not know and they need not know because life is hard enough on them as it is and I refuse to bring more worries into their lives. I so wish I had just one man who I could lean on during this time but that isn’t happening, it’s not for lack of men but for lack of trusting them on my part. I’ve learned not to share too much with anyone anymore because people are not there for you, they are there for themselves and I wish for once I could find someone who was there for me and me alone.
I am not one to preach religion and no I do not proclaim to be the best I can be quite yet and I am definitely not better than anyone else. I walk closely with God and I try to live my life the best way I know how without hurting others. I believe that we must live from the heart and do good to and for others and I believe that I have numerous faults but I try damn hard to be a good person. I have never given up hope that I can make things better for others in some way.
I believe my time on this earth is to help others, show them a new way and give them renewed hope that life can and will be better. I try to stay positive and when the negative tries to take over my life I shun it as quickly as I can and sometimes that happens immediately and sometimes it takes quite a bit longer. I refuse to carry malice in my heart and I have turned my back on hating and revenge and I will no longer entertain such thoughts as they only hurt me.
When you experience a tremendous amount of loss in your life your entire view changes and you can either be very bitter and angry or you can let that go for a pure heart with good intentions. I refuse to let anyone jade my life and I refuse to let rejection take me down and destroy my self image. I am one with myself finally and that is when life began to change, life began to get easier and I feel so much lighter, so much more carefree. I have learned to help those that will help themselves and I no longer let people trample me.
I used to be so damn angry but that is now gone and all I carry within my heart is love and understanding for those that are lost and confused as I once was. I no longer judge so harshly and I know longer seek revenge on those that have hurt me so. My life is good right now and I thank God everyday for where I am because it is of his grace that I try to walk and I do not blame I accept the challenge to let go and to move on and that is exactly what I have been doing.