So Over This

I am so fucking tired I can hardly stand, my feet have been swollen for weeks even though I am taking water pills given to me by my dr. but it doesn’t seem to be doing any good. This damn radiation has really knocked me for a loop and I should be resting instead of working my ass off. Shelby should have helped me more but we were so enjoying spending time together that I didn’t push it, I have given her carte blanche for her senior year because that means so much to everyone that is graduating.


I have spent so much damn money on her prom dress, graduating trip and I am trying to save for a car but I have put to much of myself aside to make her senior her nothing less than wonderful. I was never allowed to date in high school and I had to sneak around. I never went to a single dance, my prom or anything that a senior should be doing because my mother was, well let me leave that alone. I have spent money saved for my trip on my daughter and I am so hoping that the guy that wants to buy items at my rv comes through.

God has brought so many positive changes in my life and I am so thankful because it is my time, this is my year for all positive changes and moves and things are on a roll in my favor. I have met so many men and I havent been looking and this is so odd to me. I have yet to have sex with any of them but I have literally slept with one, yes we slept no sex, no bj’s, no kitty lickin nope nadda nothing that deep because I do not let myself go to just anyone that easily.

It’s been nice to be respected for my beliefs and those that did not are no longer part of my circus and never will be. I will never sleep with someone I do not love, not now not ever because I am old fashioned and do have morals and my integrity and I refuse to be a notch on anyone’s belt. I keep smiling even though I am dog tired and I am so glad I kept Bob’s shower chair because I have had to use it quite a few times in the last month for fear of falling in the shower because I have been so weak.

My kids do not know and they need not know because life is hard enough on them as it is and I refuse to bring more worries into their lives. I so wish I had just one man who I could lean on during this time but that isn’t happening, it’s not for lack of men but for lack of trusting them on my part. I’ve learned not to share too much with anyone anymore because people are not there for you, they are there for themselves and I wish for once I could find someone who was there for me and me alone.

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