Rest

I so enjoy lieing in bed in the morning and watching as the sun’s shadow dances across the wall and brightens the room, Gabriel, Michael, Khloe and myself slowly wake up with a renewed vigor, a renewed love of life and we are happy, yes we are happy. We play and give kisses, Khloe chases my hand moving under the blanket and the boys jump on her and it is another good day. I love sleeping naked and lately I have been sleeping with my wifebeater on to keep my chest warm.

I move my  legs to the side of the bed and as I wake up and stretch I feel so good it is almost scary. I am looking forward to another sunny day, the weather warming and getting things done that I have been working on. I am in a happy place, a great place and I am loving my life for a change. When you have a positive attitude when you wake life is so much better and when you know you are happy with yourself that is when life really shines and things get so much better.Photoss

I have been on a “wonder roll”, that is when everything seems wonderful and it has nothing to do with anyone but myself. I do not need a man in my life to make me feel good about myself and that is something I was so confused about for so long. I identified myself through my children and my husband and I got lost in that dismal state for so very long but now that has all changed and I love myself for who I am and I know that I am from a mold that was broken long ago.

Being happy with who you are, where you are at in your life and what you have is paramount to personal happiness and growth. We cannot rely on others to make our world as we would like it and we cannot look to others to give us the self satisfaction that we need. I wake up smiling and laugh throughout the day at silly shit but that’s ok because I am laughing and there has been so many years that there was no laughter, no music in my life but now I hear a new melody everyday, and it feels damn good.

Universal Pull

If you send out negative energy negative comes back to you but when you send out positive energy good things come your way. When we love ourselves and accept ourselves in our entirety is when the universe sends good things and good people to us. I have changed my entire outlook on myself and how I feel about myself and it is amazing how fast things have turned around for me. I have money coming to me from everywhere, not large amounts but amounts that have been quite helpful to me.

I have wanted to sell my rv and my house and I have a few people interested in parts of the things that go with my rv but I have chosen to sell them separately. I have been selling so much shit that I no longer have a use for and they weigh me down and I have let go of my troubles and worries and let the universe take control and yes Jesus is at the wheel. It’s as if I have finally reached a point in my life that has allowed me to let good come in and I have blocked all negative energy.

I think I have finally learned the lessons that God has wanted me to learn and now I can move on with his blessings. God has held me back so I could learn these lessons to make me a better person, I have learned to quit fighting battles that are friveless and cause me pain and unneeded stress. I have learned that letting go instead of hanging on trying to seek revenge and justice does not serve me well at all and I have learned to let go and walk away because I cannot punish anyone, only God and karma do that.

I am accepting what I cannot change and I focus on what I can to make my  life better, which makes a better life for my children. I packed up two boxes of easter stuff for the kids and shipped them out, kids love that shit and it shows that I took the time to appreciate them and that I am thinking about them. Shelby and I will be getting tats together which ought to be hilarious and hopefully it wont be to painful as we both do not do well with physical pain but I am not backing out no matter what.

I do not know how girls can get their nipples and clits pierced because that would fucking hurt way to much and I think it isn’t attractive in the least but to each his own. Bob went out one day and came back with a tiger on his upper arm and it looked really cool but it would be way to big for my arm and wouldn’t look good, I prefer smaller more delicate looking artwork, some people get some pretty creepy shit tattooed on themselves and live to regret it so I am going to stick with something I really like.

To Be Judged

We are visual creatures and we are attracted to beauty men and women both are attracted to physical appearance. I am not physically attractive as I have too much excess weight that I am having one hell of a time getting rid of do to menopause. People judge me because I am not thin or height/weight proportional and they do not take the time to know me before they judge me. I have what most people do not and never will because I am real, honest and a hell of a woman.

I have actually dated some very thin men who were secure enough not to be bothered by my weight and they were proud to be with me because I am so real and have so much personality. Personality was what makes a person along with what they have in their heart of hearts. Would you rather be  with someone who was pretty and used you or someone who had weight on them that can be worked off and that person cares for you and only you? Someone that want your happiness as much as their own and someone who doesn’t want to put their hand in your wallet at every turn?

I can lose my weight and I will with summer coming and the weather is a motivator to change my health and weight. I am a very sexy and sensual woman who is comfortable with herself, no I do not like the weight but that can be changed but an ugly personality is permanent. I want to get as good as I give from someone and I want to love and be loved just like everyone else. I have no doubt if I were 50 lbs. lighter I would be with the right person but I have decided if you do not love me now you will never love me.

It’s odd how we can fall in love with someone we never in a million years thought we would and how damn happy we can be with that person. My trip to Nigeria will show me that people can and do love you for you and nothing more and that is important to me. I could do like so many and get liposuction but that isn’t me, I do not believe in improving your looks with surgery and everyone I have ever seen that has had facial work done, it is so damn obvious and really not attractive one bit.

If a man chooses to judge me on my physical appearance then I do not want anything to do with him because that shows me he is shallow and more concerned with physical beauty then what really matters. I already know when I am with the right man I will lose the weight because he will be a motivator and someone who will work out with me and help me not hinder me. It’s nice to have your own cheering section and it helps one stay motivated.

The Man’s Shirt

Photo on 3-28-jpgI love wearing mens shirts because they are so comfortable and make me feel kind of naughty, lol. So much makes me feel naughty but the shirts really do it for me and I prefer to wear the man’s shirt then to have him wear it. I also like to wear men’s boxers but do not like boxers on men. I like men in boxer briefs or naked, preferable naked because I like the body naked, I like to admire it, touch it, play with it, massage it and feed it. I love men, men are fun and not so serious, usually.

I hate men that are stick in the muds with no adventurous side, no spiritual side, no sense of humor. I do not care if they are a model or a regular run of the mill type as long as they are real and dont use people. I’m looking for a guy that wants to work out with me and help me lose this unwanted weight, us menopausal mama’s have a hell of a time losing weight and we need a damn trainer! lol

Photo on 3-28-13 at 12.09 PM

Jaded

People can be so jaded by what you have or who you are and they can only see what their mind’s eye wants or where they would like to live or drive. I have put an ad out there to meet someone and the guys I have been talking to ask me what I do for a living and I tell them I am a waitress and have been for 20 yrs. It seems to weed out those that are looking to get laid or the ones that want someone who has some “shit”. I have down played everything about myself and I am down to two guys that do not seem to care.

I know this is being deceitful but its the only way I know to meet people who aren’t interested in the big house and what they can get from me. I know it seems so shallow but what else can I do? I have been used over and over and I will not go down that path again, not now not ever. I am not looking for a meal ticket and I refuse to be someone else’s meal ticket either no matter what little I do have, someone always wants it. I’m not looking for anything long-term because I do  not plan on living here to much longer.

I wake up with dark circles under my eyes and a terrible pain in my hip that hurts so damn bad I can hardly get out of bed and that is Michigan weather. I have arthritis in my hip or bursitis and this shit hurts, really hurts. The dark circles are partly from the treatments I am going through and I only have one more and I am through, finally. I bought some new shorts for my trip and I love them, they have a silky feeling against my bare ass but maybe I should put on some panties because they turn me on so much, lol.

I am so damn sensual that even clothes get me excited and this is not such a good thing because I seem to get so turned on when I am in public and cannot do anything about it. Today will be another day of cleaning and straightening up and then off to the store to buy easter basket shit for the kids and mail them. I have decided not to see Ryan but I will send him an easter basket just the same. Big Rick and Lynn left for Florida this morning and I have no plans for Easter other than cleaning, how fucking boring.

Holidays used to be fun but not any longer and I really do not care if I sleep through a holiday because there is no one to share it with. I keep thinking back to when I was a child and had my horse and I have no idea why, other than I loved him so and had the best times riding by myself because it gave me a chance to get in tune with myself and nature. I haven’t ridden in so long I don’t think I could even get on a horse again but I so do love those creatures.

I have to take the boys in for a fitting of a harness because I have  bought for different harnesses and none of them fit, they are all to big and now I am down to cat harnesses. Michael is such a pain in the ass because he likes to take off and run and Gabriel, well my sweet little Gabriel comes when I call him usually. Shelby says I baby him so but I can’t help myself because he is smaller and more compact and I just love to hold him and scratch his belly, he is always kissing me and both make me feel so loved.

When I come in the house they are waiting for me and so happy to see me and that makes my day, they make me smile all the time and they are just pure sweetness. Animals can tell you so much about a person and if your pets do not like the person you are with you can tell and you better pay attention because they can pick up on negative things about a person. I so love what they give me and I give them so much back and it makes life happy for me but then again I am happy lately, hey I’m baking cookies and shit, lmao.

Baking Cookies And Shit

I am feeling pretty damn good today so I am making cookies and shit, lol. I have mopped the kitchen floor, sold Bob’s christmas village, and just feeling so good. The sun has come out and that really lifts my spirits and gives me the energy to get off my dead ass. My foot is killing me because I ran into the center of the table that is against the wall because I cannot lift it to put it in the table. I treated myself to some new lingerie for my trip, not that anyone will see me wearing it but it makes me feel good about myself.

cookies

 

Shelby is leaving for Florida tonight and she will be gone a week on her class trip and I was able to get another charge card and added her so she can learn how to be responsible with it. She is financially draining me between this trip and her prom I am going broke. We will be getting our tats on April 5 and she is getting angel wings in memory of her dad and I am getting thumper in memory of my grandmother and a hummingbird because they are so beautiful and strong yet so delicate.

I am making homemade chocolate chip cookies and will give her some for her trip to munch on and I will either take Ryan some or mail them not sure which just yet. I left a message for his therapist asking if I can take him out on Sunday for a few hours. I want to get him some new clothes, go to the movies and have lunch and I think this might help him quite a bit, or so I do hope. I miss my son so much but he has seriously drained the fuck right out of me and I cannot help him until he helps himself.

I think it’s time to show him that I do have faith in him and I do want him to eventually come home but I am in no hurry because he has quite a bit of work to do on himself yet. Sometimes, we must turn our backs on our children because it is best for them even though it hurts us as parents. Two things that tear up children is the death of a parent or a divorce and we do not realize what our children experience through these trying times. Children carry the weight upon their shoulders and they carry guilt and blame themselves.

Children pretend they are ok when they actually are hurting like hell inside and we do not realize that they want to die at times and sometimes they even try to commit suicide, as my son did.

Learn To Love Again

I use to honestly believe that I was damaged goods, beyond repair and not worth loving or even be cared for but I have been so damn wrong for so long and I finally see the light, feel my self worth and the love of self. Yes, I finally have found that loving self changes your entire world, your entire view of yourself as well as others. I am not damaged goods, I may have a few bumps, scrapes and paint chips but I am still quite an awesome working piece of machinery.

I have exposed so much of myself that even my own family doesn’t know about me and I am learning to love again, yes I am learning to love myself again as I once did. People can be so mean and hateful but you have to be a duck and let that shit roll off your back like water and swim on. I can swim, I can do the breast stroke as well as the butterfly and I feel good about who I am and accept what my past has held me back from which is personal growth. I am a fantastic person to know, to have as a friend and love.

When we accept ourselves, all of ourselves which includes all the bad we have done to others as well as ourselves we become quite beautiful in our own eyes as well as others. I have had more than my share of personal failures and I have never given up, no I do fall but I pick myself up and move on and I refuse to let anything or anyone hold me back any longer. I am pretty, in my own way and I ooze with love and devotion and Gabriel and Michael know that I am a great person or they wouldn’t wake me with kisses every morning now would they??

I am learning to love again, love myself again and everything else is falling right into place and it feels right, it feels good and I finally sleep a restful sleep and I feel good, damn good about myself and God has shown me that the mirror has the crack not me and I can see through that crack and I see a woman of substance, strength, endurance and someone quite unique in her own way and nobody will ever make me feel damaged or broken ever again.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pn9OsO7rlAw

Bored

I am so bored I am going nuts, sick of cleaning and going through crap and looking for some fun so I posted an ad online and I am looking for someone to have some fun with. Not looking for sex and do not want sex, just fun, laughs and getting silly with someone. I have had several reply’s already and I think this may turn out to be something I need and meeting new people who want to have fun is my main objective but I will never rule out love because you never know who you could fall for.

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I have reached the point in my life that I want to have a committed relationship but I am in no hurry and have learned about jumping into something to fast. I am looking for a guy that has a job, is financially and emotionally stable, fun, adventurous and likes to fish of course. I do not need a rich guy, just someone who can pay his bills and can afford an occasional concert ticket or baseball ticket and that is about it. I prefer wealthy men because they are generally well educated and interesting, their money means not a damn thing.

I do not want someone who things happiness comes by buying shit, I need a spiritual type, intelligent and caring and hopefully I will finally meet that type of guy. I am no longer putting my life on hold for anyone else and I am going to do what makes me happy, really happy and that is having fun. 

Ascension

Think of ascension as the process by which you eventually transform your material desires and habits, thoughts and emotions, into the spiritual desire and pursuit of liberation and God-realization. This takes place through a series of initiations, as you climb the initiatory ladder through the various planes, you eventually ascend in a full merger with the I Am Presence, , while still here on Earth. You don’t have to be perfectly healthy to ascend, or completely free of all negative emotions or ego and the lower self.

It is said you have to balance only 51% of your karma to ascend. You’ll feel similar to the person you were before, but you will be operating at a higher octave and carrying more Light. You’ll be more connected to spirit and to the Ascended Masters. In times past, when people took the initiation in which they had the full experience of ascension, they usually left their bodies and went into the spiritual world. However, nowadays people ascend and continue to serve on Earth in order to help bring in the New Age.

Even those at lower level initiations who are unaware of the initiation as it happens, or who don’t think of themselves as “spiritual,” are open to finding their life’s purpose and trusting their intuition.

Here are some signs that you could call “symptoms” of ascension:

You feel like you’re on an emotional rollercoaster. You are easily touched and can cry over any heartwarming moment, even a commercial on television. Try to stay present with your emotions and feel them fully, allowing them to pass through you with ease. You feel a stronger connection to nature.

You may like animals you never liked before, or appreciate even the coldest winter. You may feel like a yo-yo in your energy levels. One day you can barely crawl out of bed, while another day you feel like you’re walking on air and bouncing off the walls. Don’t worry. It will stabilize. This can include unusual sleep patterns, and your dreams may be very intense. You may develop food intolerances, allergies, or crave strange foods. Listen to your body and trust it. Remove offending foods and then try them again in a few months. You become more aware of synchronicities in your life. Appreciate the guidance you are getting from these signs and messages. You may have body aches and pains, especially in the neck, shoulder, and back, which are the result of intense changes in your DNA level as the “Christ seed” awakens in you. You may feel called to change your job or career. You may feel lonely, even in the company of others.

Don’t let this cause you anxiety; it’s just difficult to relate to others at this time. You also may feel like you’ve lost your passion. You simply need to shut down for a while in order to upload the new Christ-seed energy. You may feel slightly disoriented and even feel a loss of identity. Who is that person in the mirror? Don’t worry; you are okay. You feel a deep desire that is hard to explain to go “home.” We all evolve at our own pace. Ascension is not a competitive sport. Each of us must go through all the levels, all the initiations, on our way back “home.” So as you celebrate the beginning of Spring and the holidays that give us such deep symbols of spiritual growth and freedom, take a moment to feel gratitude for being on your own journey of ascension!

reference http://www.deborahkingcenter.com/blog/2013/03/25/ascension-moving-up-in-consciousness/?inf_contact_key=a01782e7d92b28e458cf2f0773ccc5ace8628240bd77d84acdaffa8de66c0361