Just Perfect

What is your idea of a perfect evening? Going to a fancy restaurant? Going to a premiere? Being with the rich and famous? None of these even begin to excite me, not a single bit because my perfect evening being at home with someone I enjoy, naked or almost naked, kicked back on the couch watching Silence of the Lambs or The Thomas Crown Affair with Renee Russo and eating seafood, lol. Ya I know I am beyond boring as hell but that is the perfect evening for me.

I’m a simple type of woman that doesn’t need or want the bells and whistles of today’s living because it’s the quiet moments when two people are watching a movie together and they are comfortable with the silence that really is so damn wonderful. I like a good semi sweet white wine and I love to be in a relaxed setting and clothing is so damn confining and uncomfortable that I am naked all the time at home unless I get cold and them I wrap up in a super soft blanket.

I think people like the rich and famous because the fantasy is so much better than the reality but they have no clue what that type of lifestyle requires and yes it requires a lot of giving, too much giving as far as I am concerned. I would never want to trade my privacy for anything because I am a super private person and anyone or anything that means anything to me I do not want anyone treading on. When you are walking with someone and it’s quiet and peaceful and you reach for their hand, now that is a moment that is so damn wonderful and fulfilling to me.

I prefer an open field riding horses to just about anything but I so do love a beautiful beach and the view of an ocean, I am not one that likes the feel of an ocean because I prefer a pool because I cannot stand sand up my ass and I do not like the feel of salt water dried on my skin. I hate when people try to impress me with who they are because it’s all bullshit, fake and phony and they act a certain way for “their public” and not for the person they are with. Men love to give a woman fancy and expensive stuff because it is supposed to make a statement about them but for me, all I want is the real person and I do not where jewelry or need fancy shit to be happy.

Lieing in bed watching a movie together is so much better than a million dollars, it has meaning, it’s comfortable, it’s special but how many people take the time to do just that? How many people have lost sight of what is really important to our lives and can settle for that? I am one of those people because I have lived and I have lost, I have lost more than most will ever lose and I understand what is important to my life and what makes me really happy. Let’s just get naked and lie in bed and watch Silence Of The Lambs and have a great time in each others arms, eating seafood and drinking wine.

Radioactive

I am sitting here all alone as usual except for my fabulous little puppies, Gabriel and Michael and yes they are my angels, they are what makes me smile and laugh and yes their love is unconditional and it’s all for me. I sit here thinking about my life and as I look back I see myself as a warrior against the world who has fought every step of the way but now I am no longer fighting as I drift into a new place, a new world a new reality. I could sit back and ask “why me?” but that is a waste because every lesson experienced is more knowledge learned.

I have made so many mistakes in my life, poor judgments and I have even gone as far as to commit to a relationship, not for myself but for the sake of my unborn child at the time. I stayed, I did all the wifey shit and I gave away myself, lost myself and traded myself for others. I left for a while but I did return and I took care of him until his last breath was exhaled, I held his hand as he died and I watched his soul move to another plane of existence. The loss of your spouse, the final moments of their lives is quite defining for the one left to pick up the pieces and it isn’t easy trying to put yourself back together again, make yourself feel worthy and feel love for yourself as you are.

It is sad that he died and my heart will always hold a spot that just he sits in because we were husband and wife for 18 yrs. and we experienced a lot together and that will never change. At times I feel such relief that I no longer have to worry every second of every day that he will die, it’s over he has died and at times I am lost without him. Everything I was, was wrapped around my family and now that there is no family I still feel lost at times and I still miss seeing his smile.

He wasn’t a bad man, no he never hit me which I would have rather had done to me than all the lies he told me. Everytime someone lies to me it feels like a stab in my heart because I already know the truth and I feel as if I am nothing but shit and not good enough to tell the truth to. It hurts me so much when people lie to me but then again I am not without telling lies myself as I am not perfect and yes I am imperfection perfect just the way I am. I don’t pretend never ever do I pretend to be someone I am not because I cannot put on airs of that nature.

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As it gets closer to Bob’s birthday I think more and more about him and I will go to the cemetery Tuesday to celebrate his birthday, I feel as if he must know that I have not forgotten him and I will always have a love in my heart for him. It’s going to be rough on the 26th of this month as I will not be here to visit him on the date of his death and that does hurt me. I am such a feeling person and I do not want to wake up on that date crying by myself but I already know I will be.

I will hold onto my feather pillow tightly telling him that we are doing the best we can and we are ok, at least we appear to be and I have to let go of what anger I have towards him for leaving our children. He knew he was sick and never said a damn word, things could have been so different but they weren’t and that is life. When you are sick and dieing no one can tell you what you should say or do and you make the choices that you feel are best even though others do not think as you do.

I listen to music today and yes the tears escape my eyes for the loss of a man who had a damn good heart for the main part, maybe it was me that brought out the ugly. I am not an easy person to be with because I am such a free spirit but I always respected my husband enough to let him in on my next move before I did it and surprisingly we rarely argued because we did communicate so well. Sometimes I feel as if I am radioactive but I know I am not and I couldn’t save his life like I had so many other times.

Sometimes, I feel like a hug failure because I couldn’t breathe life back into his body but I have to remind myself that I am not of Godly powers just a person that works in the name of God and do as he wishes me to. God wished that Bob and I be together the last month of his life because God has made me a strong woman for my friends and my children and yes I stand tall against the forces that need to have their ass whipped and yes I do the whipping when it is needed.

I have not been without tears, pain and an empty and abandoned heart but I do know that I did all that was humanly possible for my husband because when I am in a relationship, that person is numero uno first and foremost and God knows I did my best. Yes, I do remember my husband and my daughter got a tattoo in his memory, angel wings and they are just as beautiful as she is and no one can ever take away her inner beauty and I thank God for letting me her mom.

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To Remate

When we get divorced or lose a spouse we go through a serious life change as the person we trusted the most is no longer there for us. We start out with a lot of pain and anger and then all stops are pulled out to hurt each other or at least one of the parties is out to destroy the one that initiated the divorce. Rejection is hard on all of us but you really have to sit down and take a look at the how’s and why’s of the the split. A relationship will never stand the test of time if there is constant distance, it just cannot because you have got to be a active participant or shit falls apart.

Women want and need a willing participant in the game of love and when children are involved they want a father for their children, not someone that isn’t there on a daily basis to deal with life’s challenges. Women with children that have an absent husband tend to leave the marriage to get their needs met. It’s not usually about money unless of course their husband is a broke ass who never attempts to make himself a better provider, women need that romance, affection, the touch-we need a man to be there to help raise our children on a daily basis.

Some women smell trouble in their marriages long before the man even realizes there is a problem and when a woman files for divorce you can bet she has spent months if not years weighing her options. The rate of divorce among adults without children is considerably lower because there are no children to consider. Women need to have a full time partner when children are involved because it is damn hard raising children by yourself and yes women feel like they are failures because they cannot be both parents for their children.

Women will do most anything to save their marriage, they will have that random child years after their other children are almost grown and they fool themselves into thinking another child will solidify their marriage, which it never does. Women will go as far has having body altering surgery because at some point they no longer feel that they are attractive to their spouse, they compare themselves to other woman and they have a false sense of security in beauty.

Women falsely think that if they were prettier or skinnier that would save a faultering marriage but it’s all an illusion because when you are happy and you do love someone looks alone will not push your mate away. It’s lack of connection that destroys marriages and that comes about when two people grow apart, want different things in life and try to find their “happy pill” in another person. People want love and they want someone that they can enjoy life with, it’s that simple.

I went to a wedding last night for a friend of mine, his wife left him about two years ago because she was no longer happy. He was rarely home, travels a lot for his job and she was left to raise the kids and they became her world. She said she had had enough of the absent father bullshit and she felt she was better off without him. She met a guy and remarried two days after her divorce was final and that was a major blow to my friend, so what did he do?

He went out and bar hopped and dated constantly until one day he just got tired of the bullshit and a friend of his invited him to a bbq and that is where he met the new love of his life. A simple backyard bbq, no pressure, no putting on airs just simple fun and entertainment. He found his happiness in a simple setting and his x-wife has been a real bitch to him because he did remarry. She harrasses him and has for sometime but at first she never paid any attention to him other than to rub in his face what a wonderful new husband she had.

Things obviously are not so fucking ducky or she wouldn’t be concerned with what her x-husband is doing but now that he is truly happy and remarried she is out to try to destroy that for him. People love to throw their new spouses into their x’s face, comparing them and of course the new spouse is always better than the old one, right? Wrong, you cannot compare the two because we are in a different place when we marry, we may be young, we may be broke, we are just in a different place in our lives.

When a divorced spouse remarries, it hurts yes it hurts like hell because that is the steel door that closes and locks that part of our life and it tells us we will never have that person back again, and yes we do have a secret hope to get back together with that person. We want what is familiar and secure to us but that isn’t always possible and when you are the spouse standing on the outside looking in at your newly “remated spouse” you have two choices, be an asshole or be a victor and find your own happiness.

My only advice to those that have been rejected is to be glad you were rejected because God will bring to you the person that will show you a new way of life, a happier life, a more settled life and you will eventually end up with the person you should be with, that is if you are willing to work at the relationship because all relationships require work, comittment, honesty and communication. The funny thing about life is the person we would never consider is the one that steals our hearts and makes us the happiest, because we were not looking, we were just living our lives.