I am still finding things that I had forgotten about as I pack up our things and I found my divorce papers and marriage license and Shelby asked me what I was doing with them. I told her I was going to get married in Nigeria and needed both documents as well as my husband’s death certificate, lmao. She said to me, please no do not marry a Nigerian man and I just looked at her and said, “you don’t want me to be happy?” and she yes but mom, really mom don’t.
I just laughed and laughed and told her I was kidding that I had just ran across the papers as I was cleaning. I told her I doubt I will ever marry again because who would want to marry me anyway? I do not think I am marriage material because being a free spirit doesn’t fill most men’s wishes as they want to own you, control you like a fucking puppet. That’s one thing I really liked about my husband is he only tried to control me one time and I put a squash to that right quick.
He never tried to control me again until I filed for divorce and then he really went overboard but looking back I can understand why to some degree. My husband always knew that I would never cheat on him because I am not like that, I cannot cheat on a person because it is cheating myself first and I refuse to do that. I think a relationship should be the most important thing in your life, second to our children of course but if you do not nurture it and work at you will definitely lose it.
I once had a dream of getting married on Mackinaw Island but no longer do I dream of marriage and I do not really want it at least right now, who knows maybe I will be swept off my feet but my luck the sweeping will suck me into the ocean and drown my ass. You have got to really want a relationship and you have really have to work at it, no two people will always get along and agree but if you cannot agree to disagree then you are going nowhere fast.
There is a lot of give and take and no it isn’t equal on both parts, some give more and some take more but in the end when the two of you crawl into bed and you can lie in each others arms, well that says it all now doesn’t it? You have to support and be supportive, talk about what bothers you, work out your lives together and be together, you have to experience the ups and downs and if you can still love that person at the end of the day well then you are at least on the right path.
As I get older, jealousy doesn’t seem to affect me as it once did because I am comfortable with myself and I am quite secure within myself. Flirting is good for everyone but to take it to excess is flirting with danger in a relationship. Flirting makes us feel good about ourselves and makes us like ourselves more or so I think and I love flirting because it is fun to me, I do not try to make anyone jealous because jealousy is dangerous and I do not like it when I do feel it.
I have noticed when I do have a twinge of jealousy I get quiet and pretend I am fine but inside I am not fine and feel very uncomfortable but I haven’t felt that feeling in so long and I hope I never feel it again. I am the type of person that if I am with you, you are all that matters and if I appear to be too friendly and it bothers you just tell me. I do not like it when I do something that upsets someone else, it makes me feel bad and I hate that feeling. I just want to be happy like everyone else in the world, is that so bad?