Please, No

I am still finding things that I had forgotten about as I pack up our things and I found my divorce papers and marriage license and Shelby asked me what I was doing with them. I told her I was going to get married in Nigeria and needed both documents as well as my husband’s death certificate, lmao. She said to me, please no do not marry a Nigerian man and I just looked at her and said, “you don’t want me to be happy?” and she yes but mom, really mom don’t.

I just laughed and laughed and told her I was kidding that I had just ran across the papers as I was cleaning. I told her I doubt I will ever marry again because who would want to marry me anyway? I do not think I am marriage material because being a free spirit doesn’t fill most men’s wishes as they want to own you, control you like a fucking puppet. That’s one thing I really liked about my husband is he only tried to control me one time and I put a squash to that right quick.

He never tried to control me again until I filed for divorce and then he really went overboard but looking back I can understand why to some degree. My husband always knew that I would never cheat on him because I am not like that, I cannot cheat on a person because it is cheating myself first and I refuse to do that. I think a relationship should be the most important thing in your life, second to our children of course but if you do not nurture it and work at you will definitely lose it.

I once had a dream of getting married on Mackinaw Island but no longer do I dream of marriage and I do not really want it at least right now, who knows maybe I will be swept off my feet but my luck the sweeping will suck me into the ocean and drown my ass. You have got to really want a relationship and you have really have to work at it, no two people will always get along and agree but if you cannot agree to disagree then you are going nowhere fast.

There is a lot of give and take and no it isn’t equal on both parts, some give more and some take more but in the end when the two of you crawl into bed and you can lie in each others arms, well that says it all now doesn’t it? You have to support and be supportive, talk about what bothers you, work out your lives together and be together, you have to experience the ups and downs and if you can still love that person at the end of the day well then you are at least on the right path.

As I get older, jealousy doesn’t seem to affect me as it once did because I am comfortable with myself and I am quite secure within myself. Flirting is good for everyone but to take it to excess is flirting with danger in a relationship. Flirting makes us feel good about ourselves and makes us like ourselves more or so I think and I love flirting because it is fun to me, I do not try to make anyone jealous because jealousy is dangerous and I do not like it when I do feel it.

I have noticed when I do have a twinge of jealousy I get quiet and pretend I am fine but inside I am not fine and feel very uncomfortable but I haven’t felt that feeling in so long and I hope I never feel it again. I am the type of person that if I am with you, you are all that matters and if I appear to be too friendly and it bothers you just tell me. I do not like it when I do something that upsets someone else, it makes me feel bad and I hate that feeling. I just want to be happy like everyone else in the world, is that so bad?

Just Trying

I am so damn tired I can hardly stand up  and have actually had to lean against the wall and take a break walking into my kitchen. I had my last treatment and I cannot believe how much it has taken out of me. I feel so damn weak like when I get the flu. I am so glad to be done with this shit and there is no way cancer is going to kick my ass, o no this bitch fought back and she won, I am just to damn mean to die just yet I won but Bob lost and I never lose sight of that.

If my kids had known they would be so damn scared as there is nobody for them but me, so I had a talk with God and told him “you know I have tried to do what is right, even though I have been screwed over and over so please God spare my kids this time round” and you know what? He said “you got it girl” and I am still kicking and my hearts going to continue on ticking, so any motherfucker that thinks they are going to screw me better think twice because this girl is packin’ o ya I am packin’ my belief and my angels and we are standing ready for you so bring it and your entire army cause I will blow you fucking away!

I am so ready for my trip but I am going to miss Michael and Gabriel terribly, especially Gabe because he is the runt and he needs lots of affection, not that Michael doesn’t but Gabe is a “momma’s boy” and I am glad that Shelby likes these boys. They will have to live in a cage all day and they will hate that but I cannot let them run the house and piss/shit everywhere and I cannot wait to get a house with a fence so they can run free as they choose. I want to put a dog door in so they can come and go as they please and they will love that.

I’m going to have a tough time sleeping on my vacation because I am so used to sleeping with my dogs and they give me so much comfort and I am never alone. It’s hard getting used to sleeping alone but we do what we have to do and I am bringing my favorite pillow with me for comfort as well as rest. I need a lot of sleep, more than most and I usually can’t make it to 9 p.m. but I just may be so wound up that I cannot sleep, who knows-we will see. I hope I am so wiped out from the plane that I do not think about Bob’s birthday but I doubt it.

The problem with this pisces moon girl is she feels to deep and she gets tunnel vision on her emotions, if you are on my mind then you are on my mind every friggin day of every week. I am not one that can put my emotions on a shelf to deal with them later, nope I have to become those emotions and I feel so damn deeply that I wonder if it is healthy, I am the same way when something bothers me, I talk and talk and talk about it until I feel I have a handle on the problem or I can understand it.

I feel like a rain cloud of sadness is hovering over my head as each day gets closer to Bob’s birthday, it’s a sadness I cannot explain nor wish to. I feel a terrible pain for my children because his death is still quite raw for them even though they act like they do not miss him, especially Shelby. Shelby and her dad were quite close and Shelby keeps her emotions so boxed up hardly anyone knows her pain except her boyfriend, who I so do hope she has confided in.

On the lighter side of things, I broke down and shaved my legs, lmao-I could have made a wig out of that shit it was so long but when you are by yourself there is no reason to shave especially when it has been so cold. If Joe Nameth could wear nylons to keep his legs warm on the field then I can have hairy legs if I so choose. They feel so nice when they are shaved, so soft and it beats the hell out of that hairy ass shit growing on them, I mean why in the fuck do women have hairy pits and legs anyway?

I love the way I smell after a long relaxing bath and I smell so damn good I could fuck myself, lmao except I did that in the tub already and now I am seriously weak at the knees but I needed the release and it felt damn good and I make no apologizes for being a sexual woman who does enjoy the hell out of sex, even if I am the one fucking myself, masterbation is healthy and no you won’t go blind but you will release all the stress built up that you carry in your shoulders.

Not Happening

I had a realtor look at the house today and it is a mess of a course because of the sale this weekend, she wanted to list it for $300,000 and I refused. I know the market isn’t up yet but I just cannot list it and have offers of less than $300,000. I refuse to sell it for less and the bitch down the street offered $175,000 yesterday which really pissed me off because her original offer three months after Bob died was $80,000, she is an ambulance chaser and makes me sick.

I will just have to wait until I come back from vacation because there are small repairs that make a huge difference when selling and all the shit will be gone, hopefully. I will sell it by fall I have no doubt but I am not going to lowball myself because of the market. I can stay here forever if I so choose but it would be financially difficult to afford it. I am just so fucking sick of people trying to take advantage of me and I refuse to put up with anymore bullshit from anyone.

People just get on my nerves and I really have little use for most of the population because people are so focused on themselves and their fucking greedy, hateful ways. I have bigger fish to fry than the bullshit fish out there right now. My son is driving me up a fucking wall and I was really mean and hateful to him on the phone because he made some really stupid choices and decisions in court. He makes me so damn mad I walk away for about 24 hours and then of course I am back at his side.

I just do not know how to reach him and I feel like such a damn failure as a mother and I cannot be everything to everybody but I so wish I could be someone to at least somebody. The closer it gets to Bob’s birthday and his death anniversary the more I become irritable and unhappy. I can no longer keep going at the pace I have been and as he lies in the ground, I feel abandoned and left with so much shit in my hands and it makes me mad. It’s hard moving on when your spouse dies and it seems the only way you can is to pick up and move onto another relationship.

Relationships seem to be for those that are looking for a meal ticket or they want total control of you and your life and I will never succumb to that type of relationship once I see the trees for the forest. Doesn’t anybody love another just for the person they are? Is everyone out to get what they can from you, not caring about you as a person? Are material things more important to people than the heart and soul of another? Is sure seems that way to me and I doubt I will ever meet anyone who loves me just for me, not this fucking mausoleum I live in and the false sense of wealth it represents.