Sigh…….

Today was the beginning of the estate sale and it wasn’t to good of a day, they only sold 1100.00 which isn’t good and of course the only fucking thing I can see that is gone is the clock I bought Bob.I looked at the wall and had to do a double take and I feel as if a part of me is gone. There is something so private, so secret between two married people and when they are gone the things that were theirs seems to feel somewhat like a violation. I left the house and stayed busy all day and big Rick and I went to do his honey do list.

When we were done with that I took off and did a bit of shopping and decided to stop at the credit union to see if I could get a better rate on a car loan. When I destroyed my credit by doing stupid shit like helping people who didn’t need my help I destroyed my credit. I ended up settling with one credit card company and the motherfucker’s haven’t taken that shit off my credit which really hurts so I am waiting to get a payoff letter and send it to the credit bureaus.

The boys were locked up in Shelby’s room all day and they were not happy, not one bit as I could hear them crying when I walked in the door. I have decided to extend my credit and get a credit line so I can get Shelby a car for graduation. She is going to have to help pay her insurance and cell bill and I will do the best I can until I can sell the house, which wont go up for sale until I get back because I cannot trust her to get shit done that is needed. I would have to leave a list a mile long and I already know unless I am here things will be done half assed.

My car interest is like 11% because I couldn’t get a loan because of my shitty credit but now it is a reasonable 4% until I get the line of credit and then I will pay off the car even though it is less money I will get in the end when the house is sold. The house is all I have and at least now I can use the house for collateral. It’s taken me about three years to dig myself out and then Bob fucked me with the irs so I had to get a loan against the house to get the IRS off my back.

It’s a damn good thing I am super great with money and not a spender, the most money I ever spend is for groceries and I never buy myself anything so my trip is my big pat on the back for surviving the last several years. I cannot stand all this fucking rain as it doesn’t help my depression one bit and yes I am depressed over Bob. I was going to go the cemetery but dead worms on a rainy day make me think weird as shit about Bob’s remains so I didn’t go.

One day, someone is going to realize what an awesome person I am, what a great woman I am and they will appreciate me and that will change my world and make me feel so much better, happier and content but for now I am struggling through these days until I can get past Bob’s birthday and things will be better until it gets closer to his death anniversary. It’s so damn hard with Bob gone as there is so much to do and to take care of but that is life and life includes death and that is just the way it is.