I am so damn tired as Shelby and I spent the day at U. of D. checking into financial aid and we were surprised to find out that it will only cost about 7100.00 a yr for tuition and that isn’t including the other scholarships she is waiting to hear about. I have to take a bath yet and I am so damn tired I can hardly keep my eyes open but I have to run to the credit union yet and stop and get gas in the car so Shelby will be set when I leave tomorrow. It’s been a shitty day again and I broke down again when Shelby and I were driving down to school.
I am having such a terribly difficult time with Bob’s death and I had fooled myself into thinking it would get easier after the two yr mark, but getting to that point has just about killed me inside. It’s such a terrible, grief and how each one of us deals with it differently but even men get depressed and yes they do take meds to him them, which is smart as far as I am concerned. Depression and the death of a relationship go hand in hand and it’s so damn hard moving on and we try so damn hard we end up with the wrong people a lot of the time.
I’m going to put on my game face when I get to Nigeria and I am going to do the best I can but if I break down, well then I break down and I know Frankie will understand. He seems to understand the depth of my loss and he is so sympathetic, that alone makes me cry because no one has ever cared that much about me and how I feel. I know my husband loved me but he didn’t love me the way I need to be loved and no one has ever been able to really love me as deeply as I need.
I am so emotional, so affectionate but I have yet to meet anyone that is like me, I can get so damn mushy at times but those are far and few in between. I am always affectionate but most people are not as people are so cold and only concerned with themselves. I have set up family counseling sessions once a week while I am gone and hopefully Ryan will continue to do good and being there while being gone lets him know how much I do love him. I just need to rest and enjoy myself and that is exactly what I am going to do.