Wiped Out

I am so damn tired as Shelby and I spent the day at U. of D. checking into financial aid and we were surprised to find out that it will only cost about 7100.00 a yr for tuition and that isn’t including the other scholarships she is waiting to hear about. I have to take a bath yet and I am so damn tired I can hardly keep my eyes open but I have to run to the credit union yet and stop and get gas in the car so Shelby will be set when I leave tomorrow. It’s been a shitty day again and I broke down again when Shelby and I were driving down to school.

I am having such a terribly difficult time with Bob’s death and I had fooled myself into thinking it would get easier after the two yr mark, but getting to that point  has just about killed me inside. It’s such a terrible, grief and how each one of us deals with it differently but even men get depressed and yes they do take meds to him them, which is smart as far as I am concerned. Depression and the death of a relationship go hand in hand and it’s so damn hard moving on and we try so damn hard we end up with the wrong people a lot of the time.

I’m going to put on my game face when I get to Nigeria and I am going to do the best I can but if I break down, well then I break down and I know Frankie will understand. He seems to understand the depth of my loss and he is so sympathetic, that alone makes me cry because no one has ever cared that much about me and how I feel. I know my husband loved me but he didn’t love me the way I need to be loved and no one has ever been able to really love me as deeply as I need.

I am so emotional, so affectionate but I have yet to meet anyone that is like me, I can get so damn mushy at times but those are far and few in between. I am always affectionate but most people are not as people are so cold and only concerned with themselves. I have set up family counseling sessions once a week while I am gone and hopefully Ryan will continue to do good and being there while being gone lets him know how much I do love him. I just need to rest and enjoy myself and that is exactly what I am going to do.

 

Where Is This One

Where the fuck am I? Who am I? Here I am but I feel as if I am an empty shell in the corner of my own personal hell of loss and emptiness. He’s gone, yes he has left his ashes with me, he has left his memories of us with me, he has left me broken and crying. The empty vase sits on the table, no flowers to adorn it any longer, the roses begin to bloom but the buds are devout of color or texture. The deer run wild in the field but I see his soul within them and I am a broken woman.

My heart is aching so much and I miss my husband and do not know which way to turn, I do not know how to get past such emptiness and loss of the man who I called my husband. How do you move past the emotional surrender? How do you let go and watch the feelings float away into the sky of memories? How does one move on from the empty bed and sitting at the dinner table set for one? How does one shower without tears? How does one fill that void in their life?

Here I am, here I stand surrounded with memories long gone and I stand in our bedroom, empty of us, empty of the coupling of two. I cannot hug myself tight enough, I cannot love myself enough and my feet feel as if they are cemented to the center of the room. Not even the music can help my feeble escape, the heart should know better but it does not and we should be able to see the sun through the clouds but I cannot. I am sucked into the past as easily as water going down the drain and I stand here naked and baring my soul for acceptance.

His birthday is in two days and I cannot set it aside in my mind, I cannot forget, I cannot accept what is true, what has happened and how my life has changed so much and I am lost, so damn lost and empty. I miss you, the father of my children, my husband, my onetime best friend is gone and never to return. I stand here alone, crying and wishing for one more moment with you that will never come, cannot happen and will not, so how do I go on? Here I am…………….