I’m feeling so much better today because the sun is shining and it seems to wipe away the sadness of the memories and rainy days. I haven’t forgotten Bob but I am happy today, or at least somewhat as I am going on vacation and escaping the pressures and the daily grind. Big Rick is going to go to the cemetery tomorrow with Shelby girl and they are going to put flowers on Bob’s grave and yes I am tearing up thinking about it as I should be there, or so I feel as if I should.
I have to get past this second year mark because I am very moody and up and down over it but no medicine can help with the grieving, the loss, the guilt that is still tied to his death. I feel so fucking guilty because I loved my husband but was never in love with him and I am in love with someone else and have been for years. Does that make me a bad person? Does that make me a terrible wife? I think not because of the structure of the relationship with my husband but never the less I still feel guilty because I cheated on my husband with another man that I have never met.
Some would say that isn’t cheating but to me it is in a sense and I feel so fucked up about it but life doesn’t give us to many chances to really be in love with someone and this is my chance, the man I am meant to be with, the person that I call my best friend these days. I am not one that wants to tie anybody down, no I want them to soar and I want to be the wings beneath their wings, not the weight around their necks that holds them back. I look at relationships so differently from other people because “ownership” doesn’t fall in line with my ideal relationship.
If you cannot be a best friend than you cannot be a lover to that person and you have got to want their happiness and you have got to want to see them excel in their life and do what makes them the happiest inside. I do not know how to describe why I love this man so, because it is indescribable and the love I have for him has no definition. I love him so much that it does hurt but I have always wanted to see him happy, not existing, not just breathing because to see him happy makes me happy and he is not.
He isn’t the same person I “met” four years ago, he has grown and changed and what he values has changed because he has learned that he is worth so much more than his Mercedes, his homes, his bank account. He has learned that there is one woman in this world that knows what he has but scoffs at it and her preference is just to love him for himself. She doesn’t want gold, pearls, emeralds or diamonds and she doesn’t want designer clothing and fancy homes, all she wants is his support, his arms to hold her and his loving ways to be the building blocks of a possible life together.
She wants to take him back to when his life was simple, fun and silly as fuck, she wants to see him smile, watch him sleep and hold him close. She just wants to love this man for the mortal he is and show him life can be worth living without tons of cash on hand. All this woman knows is she would travel to the end of this earth to hold this man’s hand and to see his smile, she really is crazy in love with this foolish fellow and it scares the shit out of her.