The Absolute

The absolute worse  pain that is when your heart is shattering and not even a sifter can catch the pieces, and I finally know what a truly broken heart feels like………………………

Live, Love, Laughter

It’s a beautiful thing watching children with their parents and how the kids love it when dad walks threw the door, picking up the two smallest and giving them kisses. That is what life is truly about, it’s about those minutes that you can never get back once gone.

The love is in this house is infectious and truly you can feel the love between each other, the have graciously accepted me as a family member and it is quite touching, makes me want to cry, but I am pretty damn exhausted and I tend to cry easily when I am too tired, hell I can cry because a turd I flushed didn’t go down the first time, ya I know seriously emotional.

We went shopping today and I bought a real friend a real kool watch but he will probably end up selling it. Life is so tough and lonely and I do believe I am going to end up with a seriously broken heart and that will be the final nail in my coffin.I just am not strong enough to overcome a broken heart, I just am not.

I so love the laughter in this home, the kids tickle the shit out of me and everyone is so nice accept the help, I do not like what I have heard about her behavior but I still try to be nice, she speaka no englis so that doesnt help much now does it? I think she just doesnt understand me and feels embarrassed. Im going to get her a new tshirt tomorrow, Frankie’s sister said she would like that.

She may be the help but she is taking care of me as well and I want her to know that I appreciate her, even if we cannot communicate. I feel like such a damn fool, I cannot remember anyone’s name because I am so worn out and I am sitting here with my feet in a bucket of cold water, trying to get the swelling down.

We went to the grocery and I bought stuff to make homemade chicken and noodles and since the Nigerian like their food spicey as fuck we are going to dress up the noodles with some hot ass spices. We will boil the meat off the chicken, make a kickass broth and some rocking noodles.

I do so hope they like it and do believe they will, my regular chicken and noodles would be to bland because when your palette adjusts to spicey food, everything else seems bland. I got the kids some chips and soda and they were squealing like little piglets.I just so enjoy them, they lighten my mood and my heart.


I Just Do Not Know

I am so out of sorts and crying again today, this time it’s remembering my grandmother and how she suffered so the last weeks of her life and how my sister did this to my grandmother. I do not comprehend greed and selfishness and I cannot understand how you could want a family member dead and you get everything they owned.

I do not understand a heart filled with greed and selfishness and I never will understand it because it isn’t part of my makeup. I think a life is worth more than any money and it sickens me to think that my own flesh and blood could be so cold and uncaring. I have forgiven my sister and I am not so much angry as I am seriously saddened.

I do not know how I ended up being the person I am but I am not of this time, this century, this world. I am not saying I am an angel but I do know that I have no association with the devil, just his pawns. I am not used to such kindness that I am receiving from Frankies family, I am not used to  the laughter of children and such caring.

I tried to talk to the “help” but she didn’t understand me and I felt as if I should help her but lack of communication has kept me from asking her what I can do for her. I wish I had known about this woman as I would have brought her gifts, nothing expensive but a little something would have been nice to give her.

I do not know why I have such sadness in my heart, such emptiness and the tears come at will and Frankie and is family cannot console me even though they so wish they could. No one can console another but a hug does help and to know someone cares makes me cry even more.

I am scared to death to meet Mannie because I so fear he is not the person I have thought him to be, I fear he is not the man who is in the pictures I look at constantly and think about and I fear, hell I do not know I just fear something that has no definition but it scares me and I really cannot be let down again or I shall finally crumble into the sea of unknowns.