Nothing New

I have some wonderful Nigerian friends but no lovers as I suspected on my flight here. I literally cannot breathe in this country and I am seriously wheezing and feel like I am drowning in my phlegm.

I am cutting my trip short and going home on Monday because I have done nothing but sit in a hotel room with air conditioning so I can breathe. I am bored out of my mind and cannot wait to go home so I can function normally again.

I feel sad but do not know why and my guilt for leaving Ryan has consumed me, so I must go home and see my son as he needs me so. I felt so bad last night I did not call him because I didn’t want him to hear me wheezing and fighting for my own breath.

Life can be so funny sometimes as we get lost in who we are and the uncertainty of our futures or where we are headed. I am so sad and really have no reason to be and do not know why at this time.

When you feel for someone and never meet them it hurts, it makes me feel like shit as if I am not good enough but know I am more than good enough because of the type of person that I am.

I will never meet “him” and have to put him to asleep forever and keep him out of my life so I can let someone else in to love me and share my life with. Waiting for him is futile and stupid and I have been such an ass allowing myself to have feelings for someone that is no one in my life.

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