To Experience

The subject that I find most people think is taboo is sex and the majority of the population complain about the lack of a good sex life. Most will not experiment sexually because they have been taught at an early age that sex is “bad, nasty and not to be discussed”. Parents do not talk to their children about sex and that includes the parents of today, the younger parents have a difficult time talking about sex because they are not comfortable with their bodies.

Society has basically trained us to be attracted to thin people which is ironic considering that a large majority of the population fall within the obese category. Sex is everywhere, the radio, tv, movies ect. and there is nothing wrong with experimenting and that helps keep relationships together, especially when both participate. I personally think that there are many people curious about sex with the same sex but refuse to acknowledge these feelings. I am not opposed to experimenting and find it to be exciting.

I have explored many sexual positions and have been involved in a threesome as well as a one time experience with a female. I am not gay nor am I bisexual but do feel that one should always be open to new experiences. My husband would have freaked out if I had ever suggested in bringing a third party into the bedroom because once again, sex was to be strictly monogamous. I think bringing a third party into the bedroom adds so much more excitement and there is nothing wrong with exploring.

I went through a phase after my husband died which left me quite confused as I was unsure of my sexuality and yes I did experiment and found that woman are lovely creatures but I still prefer a man’s touch. When you are secure within yourself then you are able to explore a part of yourself that has been hidden. I think most people wander what it would be like to be with the same sex but are just to afraid to explore that part of themselves. For some reason the thought of two men together just doesn’t do it for me because the thought of one man plowing another’s ass isn’t a picture in my mind I want to see.

I have never understood the desire men have for anal sex and the only thing I can come up with is the ass is tight and after having sex with a woman for a while she is no longer tight and having children loosens her even more. The friction of a tight hole is what gets a guy off and yes I have tried anal sex with my inexperienced husband and we didn’t get to far because I wasn’t prepared and he didn’t know what he was doing. One cannot use the secretions from the vagina to lube up the ass, nope you need much more.

I have refused to live my life wandering about things and I go after the answers I need to quiet my mind and frankly I do not care what people think of me and if experiencing sex with another female makes me dirty and nasty then you need to re-evaluate how you judge people. I think everyone should explore their “dark side” because it makes you a better lover, honestly it does as you learn so much from the experience that you can take into your own life.

The Hurt

I am very sensitive and get hurt easily but most would never know it as the hurt goes so deep but I do lash out with words and those that have hurt me get hurt much worse as words are like swords and cut deep. You have set me up and laughed at me for so long and you have tried to get me to come to NY so you can stand me up again and laugh at my stupidity. I will never go out of my way for you again and I will never make such a stupid mistake again as well. 

I fooled myself into thinking you cared about me but how could that be when you do things like the above and you play games on my fb pretending to be my friend and then insulting me by talking your sexual crap to me. I’m not one of your groupies that will do whatever you wish and be a puppet for you to play with. You show me you have not a single ounce of respect for me and pretending to be Donnie was just one more thing that has pushed me further away from you.

I have been there for you but you don’t care and I now have finally accepted that I mean nothing to you, absolutely nothing. You do not like having the truth thrown in your face and you are still licking your wounds left by Irina and you will continue to do so for quite a long time. I have no doubt you will buy yourself a woman who will give you the sex your body craves but you will never meet a woman who will keep your mind stimulated and excited because you live in a material world.

I pray for you everyday and will continue to think about you occasionally but you will no longer be in the forefront of my thoughts because I am so disgusted with the way you have treated me. I realize I should blame myself for being so damn needy at one time, but like me you are now the needy and wanting one. You are experiencing everything I have already experienced and the pain is still quite fresh for you, obviously. Accept it, your marriage is over and deal with it the best way you know how because she will never come back, nope she is gone forever.

It Snaps

I have been sitting here thinking back on prior relationships in my life and the why’s and how’s they ended, most amicably and some I am still friends with to this day. When there is a break up things get ugly usually and we try to save the relationship the only way we know how. The truth is once there is a break up you can never recapture what you once had and you cannot go back and repair the damage. It is true some people get back together but the greater percentage do not make it because what went wrong is always in the back of ones mind.

Some people become totally obsessed with their x as they creep on them, follow them, talk to friends about them so they can find out what the person is doing, read their horoscopes looking for a glimpse of hope of reconciliation which doesn’t happen because the lack of horoscope knowledge. One cannot look at a horoscope and take it at gospel as there are so many different aspects you must understand, along with the rising and moon sign along with the location and houses of the other planets.

A perfect example of love and the astrological signs is my daughter (capricorn) and her x boyfriend (aquarius) this union could not stand the test of time because the differences are to great. Capricorns are born leaders and they do not like to live in another’s shadowl-aquarius is a beat to their own drum sign and not reliable in the main. These two were madly in love but time took a toll on the relationship and it ended badly. Unfortunately for him, he is still trying to get back with her which will never happen because his main fault is he is detached attitude.

It is sad when there is a break up as one person is always pining for the other and cannot seem to move on for quite a while. When they can move on they look for a partner that they will use to make their x jealous but what they do not realize is the x no longer cares who who are with just as long as you leave them alone and stay out of their lives. When both are mature, really mature they can have somewhat of a friendship and deal with each other with respect and acceptance.

Most of the time this doesnt happen and if there are children involved then they become pawns and the adults know they are using their children even if they refuse to admit it. They manipulate their children into telling them what their x is doing, who they are seeing, ect. which is not healthy because you must let go and move on with your life because your x will not take you back. Once the dam breaks in a relationship you can never put the water back and what is lost, is lost forever.


Most people love to have smoke blown up their asses as they revel in fake compliments but I am not one to want the smoke or the fake compliments. I get really pissed when people try to tell me things about myself that are lies because they are trying to get on my good side or feel sorry for me and want to build me up. I do not live in the fake world of false words and have no desire to hear them or read them. I have a very clear cut view of who and what I am and do not need to build up my ego.

People that know me, really know me know that I am a no nonsense type of person and they know that any words that are fake piss me off and really make me mad. I may appear not to be confident at times and really down on myself but aren’t we all at one time or another? Don’t all of us see the negative and forget to extenuate the positive?  Don’t all of us see what isn’t so pretty about ourselves at one time or another? I have great days and then I have really bad days just like everyone else so in that sense I fall in the normal category.

I have had two men tell me they think I am attractive and hot but I don’t believe them for all the games that are played online and how they attempt to get me to visit them, like that will ever happen. I have cut both of them out of my life as they are liars trying to build me when all they really do is make me feel terrible. I fell for the first one two days ago but quickly retracted those emotions as I do not believe a single word he says and do not believe a single word anyone says online except the friends that I have known forever.

I’m lonely and that is no lie but I am not desperate and need a man to fulfill me because most men cannot give me what I need and are not man enough for me. It’s very hard to be a strong, independent woman in this world because we are the threat to men as men need to feel that they are the protectors, the bread winners, the man of the house so to speak. If a man wants to be in my life there first must be an attraction and then he must be as strong or stronger than I am or it won’t work.

I have no use for a weak man or woman because I detest weakness in people, people who will not stand up for themselves or others, people who must use, lie and cheat to get what they want out of life. I haven’t been in love in so long that I have become jaded to a certain degree regarding love. I do not believe in happily ever after because it doesn’t exist because people are not willing to put in the work required to keep a relationship healthy and happy and I will never settle for less than what I need.


Everyone is needy to a certain point as we crave emotional connections, love, understanding and so on but not all people are needy as far as life goes. I for one do not need anyone to help me live my life or fill the empty side of the bed. There is a huge difference between needy and wanting and I am wanting to be involved in a relationship as that is where I grow and shine in my eyes. Needy people are a turn off and those that cannot get their needs met sometimes act out in unorthodox ways.

Women tend to want a man to support them, give them children, be a “perfect” husband and leader while men want a woman who is fun, witty, spontaneous and sexually open to a certain degree. Men get bored quickly with the woman who is always crying foul or is to damn clingy and cannot let them be themselves. Everyone plays a role when they meet for the first time always putting their best foot forward but the truth of the matter is all that falls to the side when two people become comfortable with each other.

Both sexes are attracted to the same type of personality over and over and the basis for this is the opposite parent. If your father was a “mousy” type of man who is what a woman will look for in a mate and if a man’s mother was a very strong and dominant personality then the man looks for that in his choice of mate. When you do not have an opposite sex parent in your life then you are kind of stuck with the personality traits that the one parent has. I look for a strong, independent, self assured type of person because that is the personality traits of my mother.

I have a very strong personality, sense of self, independent, self assured in most cases type of personality so I can not tolerate a weak man. A person that is always giving in, has no fight in themselves and let’s others walk all over them on a day to day basis is a huge turn off for me. I have let people walk all over me because my self image was destroyed long ago but I am rebuilding it brick by brick and my spouse played a key part in the demise of my ego. The people who are important in our lives can easily make or break us as we value their opinions even when they are negative.

Everyone goes through times of doubting ourselves, being insecure, lost and we are not the usual person most know in good times. A demise of any close relationship affects us in different ways and can destroy a part of us we once knew. The one thing that we do not know about ourselves is that once we make it through the storm we come out so much stronger and really do know ourselves so much better than before and believe it or not once we get past those first two years of the relationship demise, we can see so much clearer where we truly want and need to be in our lives.

The Answer

Why do people play with others emotions? Quite simply put the person doing the playing gets a MASSIVE ego-boost to know that they have some kind of a control over you AND your emotions. Basically, its a POWER thing and the person is quite immature. They cannot see their own short commings and they obviously have been hurt by someone and the only thing they can do about it is to build up their own egos by hurting someone else. They do not care about the person they just need to feel superior and by playing with someone’s emotions they get their boost.

Divorce plays a huge part in when playing with another’s emotions as the person is trying to rebuild themselves after being devastated with the divorce process. Men do not do well after divorce and they are more likely to commit suicide or have a heart attack compared to women. Men tend to remarry quicker than women because they need a relationship to help validate them. The man who plays with another’s emotions and sends them off on wild goose chases does this only to build up himself.

When a man acts like that he is in need of therapy to sort out his emotions from his divorce as this is what has led him to act in such a way. He doesn’t care about the other person and has a certain amount of anger towards women in general. He needs to feel better about himself and fucking with a woman’s emotions is the only way he can rebuild himself as a man or so he thinks and in the process he gives away a piece of himself that is vital to his growth as a person.

So while you are hurting and using another to rebuild yourself step back for a moment and think about how you would feel if this were done to you. Think about how damaging you are and how you are destroying a part of the person you play with. When a wealthy person gets dumped they really cannot grasp the real reasons why because they gave their spouse everything materially but they do not realize that isn’t what was needed in the relationship, they disengage from the relationship slowly without even realizing it.

Some say they married to young which is bullshit because there are marriages that have spanned the time of more than fifty years, they didn’t marry to young, they let the relationship grow apart and in different directions. They think by being a great provider is the most important thing which is the farthest thing from the truth. It gets old when one partner isn’t there for family events or to watch their child play a simple game of baseball and this is how relationships fall apart because you must be an active participant and when you are not then you are no longer part of the family fold.


I have given my Georgia texting buddy the axe because I do not believe he likes me in the way he has stated to me. I do not believe anyone is attracted to me no matter what bullshit they try to pass along to me. I am so sick of the bullshit and I sit here crying because my feelings have been so hurt. It isn’t right to play with people and when someone has had everything they have ever wanted they become so full of themselves and think they are entitled to fuck with others.

I had another person contact me today and tell me they want me, what a bunch of shit as I was so fucking stupid to fly to NY to meet this person only to be stood up. I will never make that mistake ever again and I will no longer fall for the games and lies. This second I feel like cutting my throat because I cannot stand the pain in my heart and I am finding that it doesn’t pay to care for another person that only gets off when they can fuck with my head and heart.

I am no longer available for the lame and fucking stupid asshole that thinks he can use his knowledge and power to control me and I will not play his games any longer. Like I said before if you aren’t standing in front of me you do not exist and as far as I am concerned you can continue feeding your ego by giving interviews, signing autographs and meeting other rich and famous shallow mother fuckers like yourself. You are mean and hateful and I am sorry your wife dumped you and left you in such a fucked up state but deal with it already.

Grow the fuck up and be mature for once in your fucking life and go fuck one of the other shallow assholes in the world like yourself. I am mad, hurt and I am sick of it so grow some fucking balls and leave me alone, grow the fuck  up and be a man instead of a little boy. You don’t have the balls to meet me so leave me alone and do not think for one minute that I will wait for you because I am not and never will be there for your beck and call like your fucking maid or pilot.

You are so fucked up you do not know if you want to be with a man or a woman so go fuck someone in the ass or get on all fours and spread your cheeks for your cock lover.


People play stupid games and they fuck with people’s feelings which isn’t nice to do as they pretend they care for you and are your friend which is far from the truth. They hack your computer, pretend to be hitting on you and give you false compliments. Some people take the game to another level as they become obsessed with you but do not have the balls to follow through with their feelings or true thoughts. I am not stupid and I know there are people playing these games with me as if I am some kind of complete idiot and do not know any better.

My life has been hard as hell and I do not appreciate people pretending to be interested in me only to lead me on and drop me on my face. If you cannot be a fucking man then get the fuck out of my life because I do not need nor appreciate the false acts of attraction. If you are not standing in front of me then you really do not even exist to me and I am so sick of people fucking with my head and it’s time to stop this type of action. I may remind you of someone you wished you were with or maybe you were in love with and that person dumped you but I am not that person and do not want to be either.

If you think you can control me and get me to fly to see you then you are sadly mistaken as that will never happen, again. I have made some stupid mistakes like chasing after love but no longer will I fall for the games and lies. You can sit back and laugh at me all you want and get off on the fact that you could “control” me like everyone else in your shallow fucking life. You think you are all that? Well if that’s the case then your wife wouldn’t have left you now would she?

You do not appreciate my friendship or care one fucking iota for me so go on and play with someone elses feelings because I am no longer available for you to fuck with. A real man goes after what he wants and doesn’t shy away from it or try to control it and a real man doesn’t second guess himself and play fucking head games with himself. You can replay the scenario in your mind as much as you choose but it gets you nothing now does it? You want to be hero worshipped because that is how you build your ego but I would rather eat a plate of shit than to hero worship you.

Your ego is so fucking inflated you have no idea who you are or what you really want as you fly around the world in your private jet and you do not have anything I want and you cannot attract my attention by your wealth or fame. You are the sorriest excuse of a man who I have ever ran across and I am so tired of your insecure bullshit I want to puke and I am not excited one bit to have you following me like a piece of toilet paper stuck to my shoe. If you have an ounce of decency then leave me alone and get out of my life.

When You Love

When you love someone, I mean that kind of love that makes you crazy, silly and wild at times how do you show that person how you feel? Do you buy them everything you can afford? Do you show them off to your friends and family? Do you get in their shit when they need it? Do you show your love physically by hugs and kisses? Everyone shows love differently and everyone wants love shown to them differently as well. When I love someone I want to give them the world and do everything I can for them.

When you are raised with no love and affection you either grow up to treat others the same way or you do the complete opposite, which is what I do. I am so damn affectionate and cannot help myself as I want to cook their favorite foods, give them massages, run them a bath and bathe them, hug and kiss them all the time and I love to hold hands. I am the great romantic and I love candles and quiet dinners and I want to see them happy and I want to make their world all they have ever wanted it to be.

I have never had anyone do for me as I have done for them maybe it’s because I have always chosen the wrong men and I have let those men treat me like shit. I no longer allow anyone to disrespect me or treat me poorly because I deserve so much better. I do not know why I have never had real love in my adult life but I know God will not let me be alone forever and I know he watches over me. When people get to know me, really know me they find that I am always there for them if they mean anything to my life.

I have learned to live in the moment and grab the brass ring when I can because I had only a month with my husband before he died and that month flew by. So many want to much in this life but all I want is to be loved and be happy and I do not need material shit to make me happy. I have learned that life is so very short and to enjoy it while we can and I know there is one special person out there that would appreciate what I have to offer and how much love I have to give.

Lose It

I finally have this weight watchers program down pat, yep you have to track everything you eat, cut out all the junk and exercise, which I cannot do at this time because I pulled a muscle in my knee. I have finally made a move in the right direction to get myself healthier which will make me happier. Losing weight at my age is so damn hard to do but can be done, pound by pound and that is my goal to keep losing slowly so I change my entire eating habits and diet.

I’m not ashamed of my body but I do not enjoy how I look or feel and that is why I am making these changes, not for anyone but myself. I’ve got the solar eclipse in my corner which brings endings and new beginnings in all walks of life. This eclipse focuses on health and I started before the eclipse came so this works out good because if you start anything shortly before the eclipse you will be successful. The eclipse, eclipses out of our life which no longer serves us in a positive manner.

Jobs, relationships, living areas ect all change and this is good as I want to sell my home, really must sell it. I’m good with this because there are to many memories here and Bob is here watching everything I do and always making me feel like I am inferior and doing a poor job raising our family. I was never good enough when Bob was alive and now that he is gone physically he still tries to destroy me and he makes me feel like shit more often than not.

People do not believe the dead speak but they do and in this house the dead scream and yell and there is no shutting it out and Ryan saw his dad sitting in the chair one day so yes the dead do walk among us. In my old house Bob saw my grandmother walk into Shelby’s room when she was only a couple of months old. I believe in things most do not and most people think I am out in left field because I believe in the after life, astrology and all things metaphysical.

So many believe in the Bible and I do as well but in limited amounts as man has rewritten the good book so many times and so much that is written conflicts with other parts of the Bible. People can go to church every week yet they fuck their neighbor’s wife, steal, cheat, lie ect. and believe me they are no better off going to mass. I do not think I am better or smarter than anyone else but I am an intelligent individual that is strong-willed and head strong at times.