From The Moment

From the moment I saw your picture I felt a pull, a connection like I had never felt as if you were a magnet drawing me in and refusing to let me go. Why me? Why have you done this to me? Why do you play with my emotions? You know I cry so much over you and have for years. You are the only man that has ever made me feel not good enough, not enough of anything and I hate the feeling, you are an arrogant man and you know it, you think you are all any woman would ever want and you can have anyone you choose. This all may be true but you are the saddest person I have ever run across and it does not give me any comfort to know this, I have tried to be your friend but it appears my friendship means nothing to you, you fear me like the plague, is it my strength? Is it my openness? Is it me as I am? What is it you expect from me? You hide behind false names and pictures, you hide behind fake videos and gay or bi men and if you want to push me away fine, keep pushing but you will one day wish you had not been this way. You fear me because I will tell you the truth and you are not willing to accept what the truth is, you spend your time with fake people and may say to yourself “fuck her, what does she know” but I know more than you may think and I know your heart is very sad and you are not happy. You hang on to relationships hoping they will give you what you need so desperately and you may fuck a million women around the world but there is only one woman for you and you damn well know it. I will be gone before you know and then what will you do? How will you fill your time and your mind? I am not drawn to your pretty boy appearance, no it’s something more that is unexplainable and I have yet to answer the question why you and only God knows why. Maybe you came into my life to be reminded how the other half really lives, I have no idea but it hurts and I wish you would go away because you will never meet me and this is a torture that is slowly killing me, but do you care? I think not…………..

One More Time

I’m trying the dating sites one more time and I have met a man from poland that I cannot understand, lol and a married guy with a failing marriage. Wow, I can see nothing has changed with online dating and I have not met either in person and have serious reservations about both. I just signed up the other day and of course I get contacted from members that are not full access so of course I am not going full access to contact them. If a guy wants to meet me and he isn’t full access then he isn’t serious.

It’s so damn hard to move on when you have a vision of someone in your head and that vision sticks like glue, all I see is the face of someone I will never meet and I hate myself for it. He is claiming to be bisexual but I really do not believe him, I think he just enjoys fucking with me because he is rich and bored to death. He appears to be 110% all male not into guys at all but who knows? He removed himself from my yahoo which is fine because I really want him out of my life and mind as we shall never cross paths and I have accepted that.

He has pretended to be weak at speaking english and he follows me like a lost dog but refuses to meet me, why he does this shit I have no idea but I do know one thing, he isn’t happy and he could change that but he chooses not to. He likes his relationships to work and he will do most anything to make them work except they never work out and that leaves him heart broken and empty, he is a dreamer and sceamer who likes to hack my computer but has finally realized that I find that to be a serious invasion of privacy.

I do not look at his picture because it hurts me to look at a man who has a smile that never reaches his eyes, I know I can make him laugh and I know he finds me to be an odd duck but a duck he cannot turn away from, yet he refuses to come to my door. He spends his days traveling and addicted to the internet and his nights are lonely and empty as are mine but we seem to continue on now don’t we? We pray for the day that life is happy and fulfilling and we pray for insight and guidance to help us through our troubled times.

I no longer have any hope of ever meeting him and this is for the best because I cannot mold into what he wants and have no desire to do so. I know what I am and what I am not and I make no apologizes for the person I am. He can read about my life everyday and he can say

When It’s Over

When my life comes to its finality I hope I have made a difference in at least one person’s life, I hope I have touched at least someone in a special way and I hope I have made at least one person smile. I get so much joy out of making others smile, laugh and be silly with me and it’s at these moments that I am thankful that I have lived life the way I have. I am so non perfect but my heart is huge and the love I have to give is real, I am in no way fake or try to impress anyone.

I am ok with being alone even though it is not something I enjoy but it is the way of my life and I do not see that changing anytime soon. I am a very picky person as far as my friends and if you cannot be my friend you can never be my lover. I have learned the importance of life through numerous losses, empty and lonely days and nights and sadness that occasionally prevails. The smile on my face doesn’t come from man, it comes from my dogs who love me no matter what I have or look like.

As I get older I find it harder and harder to meet anyone that does anything for me, that makes my clock tick faster, that makes me feel worthy and excited but I do know one day there will be the one that is my better half and he will change my life when the time is right. I am not special but different and I like myself for who I am and yes at times I could kick myself in the ass for being stupid, doing stupid things and saying stupid things as well. My honesty is my downfall and being open gets me into trouble so much but I prefer being me to being someone I am not.

I can only be me and the best I can be, nothing more and nothing less yet I have met nothing but users and losers in my lifetime. I do not ask for much in another, honesty, truth, intelligent conversation, caring but these traits are from another time and most do not have them. People are all about themselves these days and it saddens me the world is the way it is today, so much hate, anger and greed and you never see anyone holding hands or helping others.

People move to fast, talk to fast, eat to fast, drive to fast and live their lives way to fast, they do not get satisfaction from the little things that mean so much in life. I want to see the world a better place and I do hope I leave a positive mark somewhere in this world before I move on. No matter how much I give I seem to get so little in return if any return at all and there must be a reason for this but I shall never know it. I hope to be so happy one day that the tears from my eyes are happy ones instead of sad.