Sooo Tired

I do not sleep well even with meds and I wake up so damn tired everyday but force myself to put one foot in front of another. Shelby and I got the upstairs cleaned except for her bedroom and she will do that and we will make the necessary repairs when she is done. I taught her how to change a toilet seat yesterday and you want to say Nastaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! The kid I took in pissed all over the seat, toilet, wall and floor and I told Shelby just to poor pure bleach all over it.

I am teaching her how to be self sufficient because that is how a woman should be in this world, we have to take care of ourselves and not rely on a man to care for us. I have practically pounded into her brain that men leave, they divorce, they die and that is part of life. She knows what I say is true as her dad died and I am the man and woman of the house, hell I am the house bitch period and it’s not that I don’t want a man to be a man, it’s just in this world you have to survive and take care of yourself.

Her boyfriend doesn’t know how to change a toilet seat, hell this boy doesn’t know shit because his mother coddles him and buys everything they need. Shelby will find men in college that excite her because they are intelligent and she will find that some of them have had to work their asses off to get where they are. Shel, does Leo’s math homework and that isn’t a good thing because men are supposed to be good at math and Leo is a nice kid but sorry he has pussy tattooed on his forehead.

She likes him because she can tell him what to do and he jumps and I find these traits not to be attractive at all. You should do for another because you want to not because it’s expected or demanded and I do not see these two going to much further together. I want my children to be self sufficient because it is what will get them through this hellish life we now live in, we have had it so damn tough but I am persevered and continued forward by myself and for myself and family.

It is so hard when your family is of three people, no grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, ect. because I love a big family and having family gatherings. Christmas and Thanksgiving no longer really exist as we go through the motion but we feel nothing as there is nothing any longer. I am like a coconut, tough on the outside but soft and mushy on the inside and this has come about because of the way my life has been, working in the steel mill took a sweet innocent and turned her into a bitch on wheels when fucked with.

I give and give and give and get very little in return from others, I used to be super gullible but that has all changed and I can see clearly now that the clouds are gone. When I am in a relationship I am so damn giving and the relationship falls apart because I lose interest, I get bored and need mental stimulation and most men do nothing for me mentally. I like a man who will do what ever he has to do to better himself as a person, he doesn’t have to be handsome, super smart or rich but he must be tall and I will never compromise on that.

I have no desire to be with a short man because short men tend to have a napolean complex and they can be so damn abusive and I know this from past experiences. Tall men make me feel secure and safe and I need to feel that to have inner peace. Men do appreciate what I offer because what I offer is rare and unique in today’s world, I believe in deep true love, honor and respect and communication along with giving and most women do not think that way these days, they want what they can get and care of nothing else.