I think that the thing that touches me the most are my dogs when they come up to me and want me to scratch under their necks, they ask of so little, attention, love, kindness and food and they give me back so much love and devotion I cannot find in a relationship. I cannot find a single man that attracts me and that is so annoying because I have become so damn picky over the years or maybe I always have as I have never been big on dating or bed jumping.
When I am attracted to someone they are usually unattainable and maybe I do this to myself for a reason, self sabotage I guess and I hate that I am like this. I have been attracted to some really unattractive men because they had “the it factor”, the personality and I find someone’s personality to be more attractive than their looks anyway. I am not hard on the eyes but when I lose this damn weight all the guys that didn’t look at me twice will want to be with me and that pisses me off.
I am such a good person or at least I try to be but being so damn independent scares the hell out of most men because they want to be depended on, they want to be the bread winner, the owner, the messenger, men want to be it all and they do not feel comfortable with a woman that doesn’t need them as much as want them in her life. It doesn’t matter how caring, loving, giving, understanding or supportive I am as long as I have this fucking weight hanging on me.
We are conditioned to want thin and attractive and we do not give a person a chance if they are not the perfect ten which isn’t fair but it’s the way life is. There are days I do not feel good enough for anyone and then there are days that I over inflate my importance because I have no cheering section and do the best I can to make myself feel good with who I am. I do not see myself ever being happy and I wish I did but it has never happened since I was 4-5 yrs. old living with my grandparents.
I do know I will never settle for less as I did in my marriage and I will never be with a man who doesn’t make me laugh or wants to walk with me in the rain. I continue to age alone, sit alone, eat alone, sleep alone and spend my days alone because I am not one to go to bars to meet anyone. I just do not like the dating game and all the preliminary bullshit one must go through but it seems the only way to meet anyone. I have joined a shitload of dating sites and not a single guy, not even the wealthy attract me.
I so wish I could meet someone who I could mesh with, enjoy and have a great life with but it’s not in the plan I guess or at least not for now. I have so many people ask me how I could still be single and I have no answer for that except God hasn’t brought to me the one for me.