Touches Me

I think that the thing that touches me the most are my dogs when they come up to me and want me to scratch under their necks, they ask of so little, attention, love, kindness and food and they give me back so much love and devotion I cannot find in a relationship. I cannot find a single man that attracts me and that is so annoying because I have become so damn picky over the years or maybe I always have as I have never been big on dating or bed jumping.

When I am attracted to someone they are usually unattainable and maybe I do this to myself for a reason, self sabotage I guess and I hate that I am like this. I have been attracted to some really unattractive men because they had “the it factor”, the personality and I find someone’s personality to be more attractive than their looks anyway. I am not hard on the eyes but when I lose this damn weight all the guys that didn’t look at me twice will want to be with me and that pisses me off.

I am such a good person or at least I try to be but being so damn independent scares the hell out of most men because they want to be depended on, they want to be the bread winner, the owner, the messenger, men want to be it all and they do not feel comfortable with a woman that doesn’t need them as much as want them in her life. It doesn’t matter how caring, loving, giving, understanding or supportive I am as long as I have this fucking weight hanging on me.

We are conditioned to want thin and attractive and we do not give a person a chance if they are not the perfect ten which isn’t fair but it’s the way life is. There are days I do not feel good enough for anyone and then there are days that I over inflate my importance because I have no cheering section and do the best I can to make myself feel good with who I am. I do not see myself ever being happy and I wish I did but it has never happened since I was 4-5 yrs. old living with my grandparents.

I do know I will never settle for less as I did in my marriage and I will never be with a man who doesn’t make me laugh or wants to walk with me in the rain. I continue to age alone, sit alone, eat alone, sleep alone and spend my days alone because I am not one to go to bars to meet anyone. I just do not like the dating game and all the preliminary bullshit one must go through but it seems the only way to meet anyone. I have joined a shitload of dating sites and not a single guy, not even the wealthy attract me.

I so wish I could meet someone who I could mesh with, enjoy and have a great life with but it’s not in the plan I guess or at least not for now. I have so many people ask me how I could still be single and I have no answer for that except God hasn’t brought to me the one for me.

Day Visit

Ryan and I have been doing weekly counseling and he has a new therapist which is really great because she is a lot like me, no bullshit and calls it as she sees it, that is the type of therapist everyone needs. People do not like confrontational therapists because they can be threatening to us but that is what we need. My son took out every bit of anger he had against his dad on me and the depression had such a grip on him he could not see clearly that I was not his enemy.

My husband always made my son feel less than he was as Bob always gave Shelby the world and Ryan got left overs which infuriated me. I have come to realize that when my husband lost his leg he lost his identity and he stumbled through the remainder of his life. A man associates himself with his job and when that is taken away the man no longer knows who he is in life. My husband lost it all with one swipe of the knife, his job, benefits, standing and respect of others that worked for him.

My husband was a big shot at work and he was admired by many but when he lost his leg he lost all of that and it destroyed the man I once knew. I tried so damn hard to be everything to everybody when this horrific thing happened but I failed. I am only one person not many and cannot undo the pain that has been sprinkled on my children. Children associate themselves with the same sex parent and when that parent can no longer live up to the expectations of their children their children get lost.

I took the brunt of all the anger built up in my son and he needs to learn to respect me because he cannot beat to the tune of his own drum until he is older. He is a typical Aquarius, unique, different, smart, handsome and he has so much going for him but he doesnt see himself this way. My son is an awesome person and I do not want him to change anything about himself but he has been rejected by his peers since he was a little guy. He is creative and writes some wonderfully awesome poetry, he is kind and so giving and people have used him and taken advantage of him.

He thinks he knows it all and he is more mature than kids his age because I raised him that way, I never talked that bullshit baby talk to my kids but I have always told them I love them and tried to show them. I hug my children because all of us need that physical touch and it is soothing when we are hugged. I am finally going to take Ryan out of the hospital for five hours on Saturday and Shelby and I will be taking him to the mall, Shelby says she needs a knew dress for graduation, the kid has more clothes than anyone I know but it will be a family outing even though Shelby will bring a friend.

I think things will go well with Ryan and I am not afraid of him hurting me again, not at this time anyway. I do know he is strong as a fucking ox and he could snap me in two without any problem and yes this sits in the back of my mind and concerns me. Everything happens for a reason but I have not a clue why this event happened between my son and I, he says I was verbally abusing him because I told him to pick up after himself and yes I told him he was a lazy fuck.

As a parent we do the best we can and it’s so damn hard when you are a widow because everything falls on your shoulders as you must be both parents and pick up the pieces left by the one that has passed. I still cry over my husband’s death and I get so damn mad when I look at my son and see how cheated he has by my husband. I can never undo the pain caused to my son but only try to understand it. While some kids are given everything my kids have been given very little and I do hope this makes them happy and productive adults.

I miss my son so damn much and I so hope to bring him home in July but only the courts can make that decision and I think the more outings we have and working hard in therapy will give my son the confidence and love he needs to come home permanently. He is a 16 yr. old and that alone has it’s own set of problems but my son must respect me and no he doesn’t have to like what I ask of him or say but he must respect me no matter what. If he ever hits me again he will kill me, literally put me in my grave and that will only ruin the rest of his life.

I am so praying this never happens again for the sake of my son because he is unique and special in his own way and nobody can ever take that away from him. I’m so far from the perfect mom but I have done the best I have known how especially with the challenges that have landed at my door step. I just found out that my step daughters want nothing to do with Ryan at this time and I think that will open his eyes up to the fact that they do not care about him.

He has tried to get anybody to take him in just to get out of the hospital and the sad truth is he is going to find out that those he thought cared don’t give a fuck about him. I really resent the fact that my husband’s ex wife told my son they divorced because my husband cheated on her, this is a damn lie and when you are separated you are not cheating on your spouse and the problems they had were between the two of them and should never be told to my children as they remember their dad for the man they knew not the man another woman knew or thought she knew.