Just Want To

Do you ever fantasize? I do, in fact I do a hell of a lot fantasizing and the one I have been thinking about today  is throwing your ass against the wall, running my fingers through your hair, grinding my hips into yours and kissing you with more depth than you have ever felt, damn you make me so fucking horny sometimes.

I Wonder

I wonder what men think when they see my picture, there is of course that say I’m to fat for their taste and I can understand that as I continue to try to shed these damn lbs. I don’t think I am an ugly woman and looking at the other women that are out there, well let’s say I am still in the race. I have one guy contacting me and wanting to know if I will play “mommy” sexually, he is so hell bent on being sure his sexual needs will be met that he has forgotten to tell me a damn thing about himself of interest.

I’m not against trying anything in the bedroom but I really have no clue what this guy wants unless it’s for a female to treat him like a little boy, hell that is easy as most men never really do grow up, lol. I’m convinced God gave men a cock because they love pull toys, lmao. I’m bad I know but men crack me up as they are little boys insight and sometimes it’s cute and sometimes it’s annoying as all get. There are men that are scared to death of strong women, get turned on by them, love the weak and helpless female and the needy as fuck female.

Then there are women who look for the daddy personality, the abuser, the bad boy, the drunk or drug addict because women need to be needed just as men do. I’m not into any of these types because I have been there and done that and have no desire to redo it again. I want a secure man, emotionally and financially, no he doesn’t need to be wealthy but damn don’t look at me to help you pay your bills, I like men that are tall 6’0 does just fine because tall men make me feel safe and protected, I like the slightly off the wall, crazy, zany, silly as fuck occasionally type of guy, a guy that likes to laugh and have fun.

My daughter tells me I am the youngest thinking mom that she knows and she thinks Im pretty kool just as her friends do, hell I’m just me and yes they have seen the outrageous me and they just laugh and laugh.You have got to want to be silly and let yourself do some stupid shit to make you feel alive or at least I do, I get so turned off by someone who just sits there and doesn’t talk to you and you have to come up with the entire conversation, when I meet someone like that I just have to exit left.

Dating Game

My desire to meet someone and get into the mainstream of life has been quite strong and so once again I have joined a shitload of dating sites and I will not pay for those premium memberships because I feel as if a guy is somewhat real then he would pay to be on the site. I never realized how many unattractive men my age are out there, I know Im no great prize but damn I am better than many other women out their. It’s so damn hard for me to find someone I am attracted to but I have met one online who seems to be decent.

I am so damn cautious these days and have learned so much about the dating scammers and thieves. I have to be so damn careful because at one time I would have fallen for but not any longer and those that want me to email them can kiss my ass because that isn’t happening. I am no longer opening my wallet to anyone for anything or any reason and I am not just adding anybody because I have passed the desperation cycle and I am pretty damn defined on what I want and don’t want in a relationship.

I am no longer settling for less and I am no longer focused on that one person I have been for years, it’s as if I walked into a wall and rattled my brain into working properly and I cannot see wasting anymore time on someone who I shall never meet. It’s as if this eclipse is propelling me forward at warp speed and that is what eclipses do , they warp out the old and whisk the new in and that is what I have needed for so very long. We do not talk unless he hits me up on facebook and he never says anything worth reading.

He thinks he controls me but he doesn’t any longer, yes he did at one time but when someone has the need to control another person that says they have no control over their own lives. He isn’t happy and he has to go from country to country as his itinerary states which means he dances to another’s tune and his personal life isn’t happy either and I have no doubt his wife leaving him really fucked up his self esteem and how he values himself. He married so young and was so in love and that turned into growing apart which made the relationship like two ships passing in the night and then divorce.

I can understand his pain and anger and if he were the one that filed there still is the anger and the letdown of such a monumental relationship going south. Men always take divorce harder than women and failing at a marriage eats at all of us because that is the one relationship that holds a place in our lives forever. Maybe Im full of shit and don’t have a clue what Im talking about but I just do not understand why he wont let himself be happy, do the things he really wants to do and live his life as the golden years are just around the corner.

To Maintain

When people we know die we deal with their loss in many different ways and for me it’s become visiting the grave and cleaning up the headstone. Big Rick and I went out to the cemetery this morning and we cleaned up the graves. It gives me some comfort to do this and I do not know if I will ever quit going and I wonder if I should or not because I need to let go of him. It’s been two years in April that my husband passed away and the next big hurdle is June 3, our 19th wedding anniversary.

Frankly, my marriage sucked, seriously sucked but I still stayed by his side until I could take it no longer, his lack of family involvement. I never realized how depressed he was until after he died and I learned so many things about him from his family afterwards. Bob didn’t talk much of his childhood and he spoke rarely about Vietnam and he never spoke of his first born son or his first marriage. I think it’s important to have a place to honor the dead and it makes some of us feel a bit better seeing their name on their headstone.

I realize I am still grieving, hell I havent had a chance to grieve any of my family as year after year each one passed away except my mother and sister, both I really have minimal contact with.