To Maintain

When people we know die we deal with their loss in many different ways and for me it’s become visiting the grave and cleaning up the headstone. Big Rick and I went out to the cemetery this morning and we cleaned up the graves. It gives me some comfort to do this and I do not know if I will ever quit going and I wonder if I should or not because I need to let go of him. It’s been two years in April that my husband passed away and the next big hurdle is June 3, our 19th wedding anniversary.

Frankly, my marriage sucked, seriously sucked but I still stayed by his side until I could take it no longer, his lack of family involvement. I never realized how depressed he was until after he died and I learned so many things about him from his family afterwards. Bob didn’t talk much of his childhood and he spoke rarely about Vietnam and he never spoke of his first born son or his first marriage. I think it’s important to have a place to honor the dead and it makes some of us feel a bit better seeing their name on their headstone.

I realize I am still grieving, hell I havent had a chance to grieve any of my family as year after year each one passed away except my mother and sister, both I really have minimal contact with.

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