Am I?

I wonder if I am not somewhat of an exhibitionist or not but I love being naked and don’t care who sees me. My body is nothing to look at but I love being sexy and I love being sensual. I would love to meet someone who liked me for my personality first and could see past the body image. If I had the right person in my life I could stay motivated to lose this weight but there hasn’t been anybody who has made me feel liked let alone loved. We have to love ourselves first and that is so damn hard to do in this world.

I don’t have the opportunity to meet people as I never go out and really have no desire to as I am focused on the kids and getting them on in this world. I am trying to get a line of credit against the house so I can get Shelby a car and I ordered her a MacAir for her graduation present in case I can’t get a car by then. Ryan hopefully will be able to spend a few days because he needs to come back home and get back into the mainstream of life. He scares me as I am afraid he will try to kill himself again and I really couldn’t handle that, nope just can’t handle the thought even.

I feel as if I am slowly dieing each day and yes I am but I feel nothing and when I feel nothing then I’m pretty down and ya I guess I am pretty down right about now. I have guys talk to me on the sites and they talk for a few days and then they’re gone and this really fucks with my self esteem. I so wish I could meet someone who I could be friends with, someone who made me laugh and be silly but everyone has such a stick up their ass and has to be so politically correct.

The boys are lying beside me taking their evening siesta as usual and then Khloe will get them going and all the damn animals will be running around like they are on speed, lol. I love my pets so much and if I had someone to transfer all this love to I think I would drown them in it. I do not do well with people who are not affectionate because I am so  much so and I love to touch and kiss all the time. Making out is something I really miss and want to do so badly but I want quite a few things these days.

Bubbles and Spray

I adore a bath and I like to blow bubbles and shoot water out of my mouth like a kid, I love the bubbles and the hot water so soothes my aches and pains, to bad I have no one to bathe or to bathe me.



Ok, it’s a fact the more you try to convince others of your love for someone the more you are trying to convince yourself and the more pictures of others you are looking at or reading what they right tells you that your fascination with that person is the one that has your attention. You sit and think about that person you have never met, you fantasize about how it would to be with them on a date, in bed, during an argument. This person consumes so much of your time you do not have time to focus on your current relationship and do not even try.

You spend so much time wishing you were with the other person that you start to ignore the person you are with and they are just a “filler” because you are not happy, but not unhappy enough to do the right thing and get out of the relationship. People fear being wrong and being alone and they would rather stay in a relationship that is not a happy one rather than being alone. Being alone sux no doubt about it but to be in a relationship that doesnt make you happy is worse.

People sell themselves short for love or what they think is love and they give and get nothing in return. They look online at  porno and read erotic fantasies of another wanting to be part of that fantasy because that is all they have, words on a page, pictures on a computer. I love taking erotic pictures and being sensual and I wish I could be with someone who enjoyed that as well but it isn’t easy to find someone who isn’t stunted sexually, the typical missionary style, roll over and snore shit.

The Mimic

Have you ever noticed how a couple that has been together for quite a while begin to mimic each other, they take on each other’s body language, sayings, habits and they begin to look like each other. I know my husband used to say the sayings I would say but we never began to look alike. When you are close to someone be it a friend, lover or spouse the both of you pick up on the little and big things that the other does. It’s funny to watch sometimes and sometimes it’s just plain pathetic.

I’m a very adaptable person and I adapt quite easily to change where most fight it but you can never fight and win in the game of change. I think that is one reason why people remarry so quickly after a death or divorce, because they crave that routine and need it to function or so they think. I think the worse mistake anyone can make is to remarry quickly as they have not given themselves a chance to discover the “new” person they have become. When we are no longer with are significant other we develop on a different level which is essential for our personal growth and happiness.

So many people regret jumping into a relationship after the demise of the prior one and they settle for what is comfortable not what is going to make them happy. They go through life with so many regrets and they kick themselves in the ass for committing when they weren’t really ready for it. That is when the second split takes place and it really hits people hard because it is considered another personal failure. Relationships are so damn hard to begin with and when you jump to quickly you do not see the important things that destroy a relationship.

I havent had a relationship in years and yes it has been hard and lonely but I refuse to fill a void with another void and I refuse to settle for what doesn’t make me really happy. It is better to be alone than to be with someone who doesn’t make you happy and makes you wonder what the fuck you were thinking when you committed to a relationship that wasn’t fulfilling. We tend to fear being alone and we sell ourselves short to the highest bidder and yes that person might be great in one area but totally suck in another.

It takes a damn strong person to go after what or who they really want to be with or to experience but most people are to damn afraid to move forward to make themselves happy and they go through life with nothing but regrets and then the anger builds, the stupid fights begin and the resentment builds over time, and then finally the final split happens.You may be content with your current situation but the contentment will melt away and you are back into another fucked up unhappy situation that makes you spend your days fantasizing about someone else which destroys your current situation over time.