What’s Fair

Is it fair to have feelings for someone who doesn’t give you the time of day and never will? Is it fair to have this person in your mind and heart and you cannot think of anyone else, do not want to be with anyone else and wait and wait for a day that will never come. Why do I do this to myself day after day, hour after hour, minute after minute? Why have I allowed myself to fall into a fantasy that is not satisfying and gives me nothing in return? Do I enjoy punishing myself or maybe I feel like I do not deserve better.

I feel as if I am walking in a meadow and he is riding the horse that keeps taking him back to the barn and he never moves closer to me, he reads every word I write or post on my fb but I do not know what this man is after. Does he like erotica and fantasy better than life itself? Is he in a relationship because he feels he must be there and not because he wants to? Is he so busy that he thinks life will wait for him? Is he going to surprise me one day and just show up? I doubt that he isn’t self-assured enough and to damn shy at times.

Photo on 5-15-13 at 8.50 AM #2

He’s a class clown and I can tell by his eyes, he has laughed a lot in his life and laughter is what moves him, he can be silly and crazy yet gentle and firm. I so wish I could meet him just once to see if what I am feeling is nothing but fantasy or is it reality? I feel as if I know him on a spiritual level and I have never felt this with another person and it’s quite an extraordinary and unfamiliar feeling. Why did you come into my life Big G? What is the purpose? Have I taught you anything? You have taught me a lot, rich doesn’t make happy, famous makes you unknown and life isn’t easier, in fact I think it’s harder.

I carry this little hope inside that one day we shall meet and become the great friends I think we are and yes I know I piss you off so much sometimes you could spit bullets, but you do have to admit to yourself that I am kind of zany, wild, insane, fun, silly, emotional female, not like anyone you have ever met. I have been told this by so many people as if I am a pink zebra. It’s ok to be different and unique and I love that about myself and wish you could see me in the flesh and see who I am.

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