Just Huh

I’m sitting here alone as usual wondering what the fuck my purpose in life is suppose to be, yep one of those deep thinking evenings wondering if I am to be alone until I die, if the property in Florida will sell, if this house will ever get on the market, if I will ever get shit done around here to put it on the market, will I ever have sex again or is that a long lost memory? Will I ever be held in the arms of a man who loves me again or am I to ever be alone? These questions I ask myself and I wonder why some people are born with a golden spoon in their mouths while others lives are empty and useless.

I wonder if I have ever touched another person’s soul or if I have made a difference in anyone’s life. I’m feeling pretty useless as one day melts into the next with nothing new or exciting ever happening. My life is so fucking beyond vanilla and I hate it. I hate this house, my life and the fucking emptiness day and night every day and fucking night. I’m sick of watching useless tv by myself and eating by myself but the one thing I really hate is crawling into be every night by myself and waking the same way.

Life can be so damn lonely and sometimes I just wonder if things will ever  be happy for me, will I ever feel those arms around me that I need so bad. It’s so hard having feelings for someone you do not know and they are constantly on your mind and you wonder what they are doing, if they are ok, if they smile when they think about you, if they think about you. Do you ever wish you were the center of someone’s world because most of us are not in a relationship of that depth and most of us are alone and searching.

The Offer

My mom has two rv lots in Florida and a motorhome on one of them which has to be repoed because she trashed it and I do not want it. My horoscope talked about selling this month but I was so hoping to sell the rv but maybe this next month that will move, hopefully. He’s made a firm offer of $14000.00 with option to buy the second lot at $12000.00 by the end of next April, I do so hope everything goes smoothly with this sale because I really could use the money.

Shelby’s last social security check comes this month and there is no more money coming in to help her and that would really help a lot as I would like to put this money away for her college. I do not know if you can get grants for law school and if not when I finally sell the house we will have enough to see her through. I was going to move to Texas but her education is more important to me and once again I will sit myself on the sidelines of life for my children.

Ryan needs glasses and I wanted to take him this weekend for an eye exam and to order his glasses, this should have been done in January but of course it fell between the cracks at the hospital. They gave him an exam but never got the glasses for him so I will. He gets migraines a lot and I think part of this is because of the need for glasses. I hope Ryan can come home this weekend because I cannot move shit with this shoulder and back and he’s a big boy.

We need to rebuild our family unit once again and now that Ryan is dealing with the loss of his dad and it’s been two years of grieving for all of us but Ryan hasn’t dealt with the loss so well. I can never imagine being that young and losing my dad and I know losing a parent is hard to begin with. Ryan has been cheated his entire life by his dad and he beats himself up a lot and he takes things to heart and takes them hard. As a mother my heart aches for him just to laugh again and feel good about himself.