Thinking Back

I was taking a bath and as I laid there and ran more hot water and submerged my body I began to think back to some of the stupid shit I did as a kid, like putting my sweater over my hand to lift the electric fence, like that didn’t help one damn bit, knocked me on my little five year old ass it did. It felt so good just lieing in the warmth that engulfed me as I looked at the three inch cracked paint in the ceiling, another repair needed before the house goes on the market.

It seems that there are more and more repairs needed and I just cannot do the damn things because of this fucked up back. I look forward to going to bed tonight on my new mattress, finally a good night’s sleep once again. I love my jacuzzi tub and will have a contractor put one in my new house with a bide of course. I’m going to have to get a guy in here to do this work but first things first, get the paint. It would be so nice to have someone who I could spend time with while doing these repairs but that isn’t my life.

On My Mind

So how’s life? Same shit different day? Play golf today? Ankle hurting? Feeling lonely even though you aren’t alone? I so wish things were where you wanted them to be in your life, I really do. I know you live in the lap of luxury but it isn’t enough for you is it? You know why? Because you raised with the importance of family, farm and the sky means something, you’re still riding bareback in the fields of your mind aren’t you? Wondering where you went wrong?

All of us wonder the same thing and all of us want to be happy, the silly kind of happy we were when we were kids. The simple type of happiness that is so rare to find as an adult or at least for me it’s not shown itself to as of yet. All of us want the perfect relationship but life isn’t that way and we have to feel the pain along with the pleasure. Relationships go through stages and so many of them end in a split of hate and hurt and it’s been so long since I have felt anything remotely close to that.

You can’t get hurt if you do not let anyone in but if you do not let anyone in you will never know if that person will hurt you or make your world happy. It’s sad when relationships are just barely hanging on as two people live under one roof but no longer know who they are sleeping next to. No more talking, discussing-now things just turn into no words spoken as the two walk past each other without recognition, without so much as a thought good or bad. That is how things go wrong…..


There are so many unknowns in this world and it would be so nice to have all of our questions answered but life doesn’t work that way, now does it? I thought he was divorced but then last month he’s in France with his wife. Is he or isn’t married? Why do I even concern myself with this shit as I have enough shit in my life already. He hasn’t hacked me in a while which I appreciate and he has realized that doing that is more than creepy and not appreciated one bit.

If he is back with his wife, which seems to be just to weird considering she has an fb account with a new last name added after her married name. This is all kind of fucked up because I sometimes wonder if I am not stalking him, lol. He is one big puzzle piece in my life and I have no idea where he fits or even if he does fit but he came into my life for a reason and he has stayed around for years but I have not a clue why. Maybe he thinks I understand how he feels or maybe he likes to read about events in my life that may have parallel his own at one time.

I continue to flip through the dating sites email and not much to draw my attention to, damn I guess I just know him when I see him and when I have “him” on the brain all the time it’s hard to try to find someone who attracts my attention. As long as he has a job is my main concern when meeting anyone because I have kids to take care of and besides who wants to be with someone who doesn’t take care of their own needs, like having a job. I don’t make much but I make enough to live and support my kids and I do not need any users in  my life.