If

If life were easy we would all be happy and content but life isn’t like that and all I know is I think of you every moment of every day wondering how you are and it makes me crazy. I picture you walking into the wind alone, sad and empty and I hate what I see in your eyes. I so wish I could make you happy but I cannot as there is to much air between us.

Today

I’m getting my ass in gear and getting shit done, finally. I have had it with this weight so I joined weight watchers which works because I used it before. I plan on dropping this weight, selling this house and moving on with my family intact. Shelby and I are going to find a Zumba class because we like dancing and want to learn some latin dances as well and it’s something we can do together which is nice. Ryan is coming home Wed-Sun and hopefully things will go well.

Ryan’s worker asked me if I had any concerns about Ryan trying to hurt himself or me and I do not, this is my son and if he kills me then he kills me but I do not see that happening. He lost his desire to ever come home because he didn’t think it would happen but we had a nice visit last weekend and the more he comes homes the better off he is as far as I am concerned. I want him home and get him back into school, make friends get a girlfriend, hell even get laid.

We will go to Shelby’s graduation Wed and get shit done around the house until Friday and then head out to Jackson and the rv until Sunday. I want to bring Ryan home every week for the maximum of 5 day homestay he is allowed. This is the only way I can rebuild my family, we must be together putting up with all the annoying shit we do and we need to laugh again, yes we need laughter in our lives. You can talk on the phone all you want but unless you spend time with the person you can never really get a feel for them.

Ryan and Shelby  have been through so much and losing their dad was a huge blow and Ryan is finally dealing with the loss, two years later but he is finally dealing with it. Once we move life will be so much better because this house is such a huge reminder of what once existed but died. Selling this house is what is really needed but I have to get it in order first and I’m finally getting serious about my life and what I want to do, I have been so unsure for so long but now the dust has lifted and I am ready to leap forward.

I’m having the carpet reinstalled in the basement and I mudded a few walls in need of repair, fixed a fan, reinstalled two fire alarms and repaired the hanging trim in the spare room so I have gotten something done today for a change. I usually get lost on the computer so I do not have to face shit I do not want to deal with and that seems to be everything lately but I’m serious about changing my image, my life, where I live and who I do not sleep with. I’m so ready to meet someone and move on.

I have a “texting buddy” that I’ve been texting the last few days and it’s kind of nice to have someone to reach for every once in awhile. He lives in Georgia and we shall never meet but he’s a nice person or at least appears to be quite nice. His last gf dumped him for his brother and that is just plain fucked up to me and I do not know if I could talk to my brother if he did something like that to me and her, well she is just a piece of shit as far as I am concerned. There is a code of honor all of us should follow and fucking my brother’s gf is a no no should be on the list if it isn’t.