What do you do when you are bored? I take pictures because I like to and then I put together a shitty slideshow because I do not know what else to do. Then I get bored with the slideshow and move on to some other boring task that needs to get done, like getting dressed. I hate wearing clothes and no I do not look in the mirror when I walk by it for fear that it will puke on me. My weightwatchers is coming along fine and I have lost .5 of a lb which means I took a shit.
There is so much shit to do that I get over whelmed and Ry has helped me keep focused and just work on one area at a time. This is so typical of a bipolar person as we get over whelmed easily and then we do nothing because we do not know where to begin. I take my meds but I still have stress of everyday life and my own worries. As I sit here remembering the last two years I see so much change and growth in myself and those around me and I think back to some of the stupid shit I have done.
I look back on my error of two different men that appeared to be one on so many occasions as ones birthday is the day after the other’s retirement date, they both have studied telecommunications, the original pic of one looked quite a bit like the other and there are other similarities that confused me for so long. I found out first hand the man who has been my friend for four years now and now I know for sure who the other one is and I have realized that I have had a picture in my mind of one and chatting with the other.
This has really fucked up my head but one thing I do know is I do not love the one that is my friend, no he is nothing more than a friend and that’s the way that will stay. Now the other one, well this one been fucking around with online women for years. His marriage apparently dissolved into a pile of shit and now all he can do is remember when he was so famous, not that he isn’t now but it’s a different type of fame, it’s “grownup fame” and I have no idea which is better, more fun.
I would assume his younger years were is really “golden years” as he grew as a man, a hero to many, a father, husband, provider. His family is paramount to him and I have no doubt that a divorce really blew his mind, especially if she was the one that filed. People will stay in a relationship for many different reasons but when money isn’t an issue it’s easier to walk away or so I would assume but that doesn’t change the amount of anger, betrayal, sometimes hate and other negative emotions.
It’s possible to be so hurt and screwed over that you may be attracted to someone but to afraid to make a move for fear of another failure and it’s not so easy to get back on that horse. When men are rejected they really flip but women, well a woman knows it’s coming before it’s hit the back forty, o yes women know even if they pretend not to know because they have chosen not to acknowledge that things are bad and you can never change what you do not acknowledge.
Now me, well I will continue to continue on and the real “him” will continue to read my posts, follow me on fb, chat with me under different fb profiles and life will continue on. He is so damn fascinated by me and he makes me feel like I’m the lone fish in the fish bowl because I do not understand his attraction to me. He needs to focus on what is in front of him because he won’t ever meet me for whatever reason but maybe just maybe reading and looking at pics aren’t enough and he does meet me, then what?
I think if we ever met it could be a wild ride for sure as I know deep down there’s a wild and crazy fucker inside this man, I just know he would keep me laughing and I him, and I know we would be explosive in the privacy of our time together, very hot, romantic, spicey, ooo lala makes me dream……….