Mistakes

I believe we never make mistakes because how else will we learn? It was no mistake when I married my husband because the end result was two great kids. Divorces are never mistakes, breakups are not mistakes, car accidents,  ect. are not mistakes. These are all stepping stones in our lives to teach us and when we do not learn we continue to have the same “bad” things happen to us over and over. The person that has relationship after relationship keeps getting hurt because they do not change what is ruining the relationship on their behalf.

Death is no accident ever either as it is the end of life as we know it and I have no idea if there is really a heaven or hell because I have been taught that there is but have no proof. I do not believe people meet by accident either, as everyone is connected in one way or another. I think all of us want to accomplish something great in our lives and to get to that point we have to make mistakes to learn, to be better. I guess I will never understand why some people get it all while others have to scrape their way through life.

Some people are able to accomplish much in their lifetime and some become heros to others but I am not a hero worshipper and never have been. When people worship you they do not see the real you, no they see the great things you have accomplished and are envious to some degree. So many want wealth and fame but they have not a clue the price they would have to pay to have these things and if they had them would they really want them? I doubt it because wealthy people are the saddest people in the world.

I mean really how sad is to have everything your heart desires except someone to love you just for you, not what you can buy them or do for them? Then there is the wealthy one that must impress the rest of the world regardless if they are happy are not they stay in a relationship because everyone expects them to or they just do not want to deal with a breakup and stay in a fucked up relationship. When you are not happy it’s just a matter of time before your personal life seizes to exist as you know it.

I am alone by choice and no I am not happy but why would I want to be in a relationship that doesn’t make me happy? Why would I want to lie in a bed with someone night after night with empty space between us? Why would I pull away from someone yet stay with them out of security or comfort? I am not that type of person and I am the best breakup person there is as I am not vindictive or want to hurt the other person because my pisces moon makes me to empathetic.

I’m a one guy woman and do not need to date a bunch of guys to find myself or what I need and I’m ok with that and prefer to live my life that way. Relationships are so damn complicated because we make them that way and when someone tells me their relationship status is complicated that tells me they are not happy and only settling. I do not care how great the sex is if there is nothing else between two people because sex only goes so far and then it no longer means anything either.

Let Downs

When you have been let down or really hurt in a relationship and it comes to an end you either jump into another relationship quickly which isn’t a relationship at all because you are needy at that time and another person may fill the shoes but never the heart. I have never been one to jump from one relationship to another because I invest my heart and soul into the relationship I am in and when the ends comes I feel so damn sad and let down but I never seek out someone to fill that void.

When I am hurt I let it be known but when it includes the end of a relationship, who do you talk to? You no longer can confide in that special person and you have actually lost a part of yourself that you will never get back. I haven’t met anyone to fill my void but I know one day that special man will come into my life and treat me like I have never been treated and I will be happier than I could ever expected. I will never give up on my hopes and dreams even though I get so damn down hearted at times.

When I am involved with someone who I have feelings for I am there for them and I give my all to make things work and do what I have to, to keep things working smoothly. I usually am the one that gives in but when I do not you know that I am adiment about my feelings. I am the typical Suzie homemaker that loves her family, home and pets and want for nothing because I do not want or need expensive and fancy things. I like my privacy and I do not invite many into my home.

I have nothing to hide and never have hidden a damn thing from anyone because I am an adult or so they tell me and why should I have to act like a child hiding things? You should never have to sneak around, lie and pull shit on anyone because we have our own lives to live and if someone doesn’t like it then they do not belong in our lives. I think the most important thing we can do is communicate and when that breaks down then our relationships fall apart.

 

Tick Tock

I’m sitting hear listening to the clock tick and the rain hitting the porch and it’s so damn relaxing and it’s a time to sit back and to rest the brain. My brain functions on it’s own time table as I can never shut it down and that gets to be a pain in the ass when you want nothing but silence between your ears. I can think a problem to death and I chatter like a box when something is really bothering me, nope can’t let shit go is my problem and I think until my head hurts sometimes.

I try to stay positive these days because things are slowly turning around and getting better and the house is finally coming together and will be ready within the next two weeks for the market. Moving out of this house is going to be a blessing in itself because Bob is here, yes here he quietly criticizes me and my decisions as if he could be doing better than I have and maybe he could have. When you lose your spouse you always think what would they say? What would they do?

I wonder where the kids would be if Bob was still alive and I wonder where I would be and it’s very strange how the things we want end up biting us in the ass. I’m sorry Bob passed away I really am but I can say I am happier without him in my life at least most of the time I think this because I was never happy. He wasn’t able to give me what I need and I am sure he tried but it just wasn’t in him. He was never one to show physical affection and when I cried he did try to hold me but it felt odd and not comforting at all.

You can buy someone a ton of gifts but if you cannot express affection then there becomes a huge problem if your significant other is affectionate. I am so affectionate but have no one to show it to and that makes life sad for me. I know one day I will meet someone special and this weekend I felt those butterfly’s I haven’t felt in years. I saw a guy at the rec center shooting pool and we kept looking at each other as if we were teenagers but I was with the kids and they come first so there was no introduction.

Maybe he will be there again, who knows? Maybe someone else will be there that makes me feel those feelings again. It’s a crazy feeling when you are really attracted to someone as you want more of them, their time, their presence. When you are attracted to someone life becomes happier, lighter and laughter fills the air again when you can form a union with that person and then there are those that we are attracted to sexually and we let our bodies lead our minds and we find the sex is great for awhile until it slows down and then we see the real person.

I don’t care what anyone says about relationships but the one thing I do know is you must have the same morals, standards, beliefs to a certain degree and you must be on the same intellectual wave. You can always hook up with someone below your standards but those relationships never stand time and always falter. The person doesn’t have to be financially well off but they must stimulate the other person mentally if there is ever to be a relationship that will withstand time.