We try so hard to live by the good book or at least some of us do and we have so much to offer but few see us and even fewer have any idea what we are about. For once I wish you would look at me, really look at me and not my nakedness, just once I wish you could feel what I feel. I’m a good person with too big of a heart and I know I give too much to the wrong people but that is me, you on the other hand have learned early in life when you were being used and you nipped that in the bud right quick now didn’t you?

I really wish for once you would let go of your fears and do what you really want to do and be with me, if only for an hour but preferably for more. I so wish we could sit and laugh like kids and get silly like we did when we were kids. I so wish you were here with me so I could validate my feelings or dump them at the door as you keep me from moving on and I am always wondering what you are doing, who you are with, if you are having a good or bad day, if your ankle hurts you and so on.

I always wonder why you will not come to me as a friend and nothing more, but that’s right we aren’t friends are we? We are online buddies and I am your personal cheerleader. I would give anything just to see you smile and really feel it. I  would give anything to know that you are really loved by a woman who cares for the real you and I pray that you are always safe and protected. These things I want for you and you alone and you should cut all ties with me and move on or come to me because this isn’t fair, it isn’t right and you know it.

He’s Lost

As I listen to you speak French, Italian and Spanish all I hear is sadness in your voice and when I look into your eyes I see an emptiness that should not be there. Your hand no longer wears the symbol of marriage and you no longer have a smile that reaches your eyes which is so damn sad. You had it all at one time, fame, wealth, a lovely wife and family and you were happy, so very happy at one time but life flips on us and takes away from us to teach. It pains me so to see you carry such emptiness within your heart and I truly hate seeing you so lost, so empty, so wanting.

Can there not be a single woman in this world that makes your heart race, makes you desire, makes you so fucking happy once again? That is what is missing in your life, real love as you once knew it. I want of nothing from you and that includes ever meeting you because I fear your sadness would swallow me in my entirety because like a chameleon I take on others emotions and that is why I can understand the depth of your pain so well. You appear to be so lost within yourself that you have cut yourself off from the happiness you so deserve.

You spend most of your time on a plane traveling from one country to the next, giving interviews, taking pictures and being there for your fans but I wonder where are your personal cheer leaders? Those that really know you and love you for the person you are? Do you spend your time with your son on planes? Is that how you connect with your children? Do you ever get a chance to take him to a baseball game? Hockey game? Do you get time to just walk on the beach with them?

As I sit here with a heavy heart because of the sadness I feel from you I wonder when you will open yourself up again to real love, when will you laugh in the rain again? When will you just enjoy life instead of chasing after the all mighty dollar? I think you harbor much pain and do not know how to release it into the winds of change and for that I feel so bad for you because you are a very good man in your own right and I just see someone who is lost right now trying to regain their footing.

I have nothing to offer you but myself and right now that is not enough for you and probably never will be but I’m ok with that because I know deep down you are still riding bareback in the fields of your homeland and I know you relish in the soil and appreciate what God has given you. I am nothing more than an online friend to you but I care more for you than you could ever know and I only want to see your smile once again reach your eyes as it used to.

As I have said before I want to see you happy with someone if not me and I know I have no chance with the great B but once again I am good with that because I just care about you, that’s it in a nutshell-I really care and want nothing in return. I so hope you find what it is you need to make your laughter joyous once again and your life fulfilling and I so wish you to catch the moon and the stars and ride a rainbow hand in hand with someone you really do love.

Going It Alone

Life is difficult but it is even more difficult when you go it alone as you have no one to bounce ideas off of, no one to get in your shit when you need it and no one to lean on when things get tough. It’s not always easy being the one that has to make all the decisions and when they are the wrong ones in someone else’s eyes then you catch hell. They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger but even the strongest person breaks down at times as I did earlier this morning as I thought about my children and how I have worked so hard to get them this far in life.

My son is a troubled child and I wonder how much of a part I have played in regarding where he is at emotionally, I wonder how much pain have I laid on my child and I wonder if his life will be a happy one eventually. I sat here and cried thinking of what I have done wrong and yes I have done so much wrong. My children are what keep me going and when their lives are not happy then neither is mine and Ryan wants to come home so bad  and I want him home but I am so afraid to wake up one morning to find him dead.

I understand his depression and pain but I can never understand the depth of his loss or how it has molded him since Bob passed. You can buy your children everything they want, open doors that would otherwise be closed to them, you can provide for them but you cannot make your children be happy people. We can never make anyone happy by giving, always giving, always smoothing the way and opening doors for them. We must let our children trip and fall and we must stand back and let them for this is what builds character.

I had saved for years for my kids college and Bob pissed every last dime away he could get his hands on and now here I sit wondering how in the fuck I am going to help Shelby get through school without loans. I am trying to sell property so I can pay for her schooling but as usual things always get fucked up for some reason. I have been trying to get the power of attorney papers from my mother’s nursing home and of course I still do not have them six weeks later and I have had no really serious bites on the rv and if the house sells most of my worries will go away.

I have tried to be the best mother I can but I had a shitty role model and so I have to wing a lot of shit with the kids. Shelby has realized how much I have worked and sacrificed but Ryan doesn’t see it as of yet. Shelby does appreciate me and we get along great these days which is such a blessing and I am so fortunate not to have kids involved in drugs and shit. My girlfriend’s son is a heroin addict and he is barely thirty and already has a pace maker because he also has hepatitis C and merca and I do not see him living very much longer.

I think the hardest part of being a parent is when you have to say no to your kids but if you never say no then you are not parenting. I am so afraid that Ryan will come home and be helpful for about two weeks and then go into his shut down mode where he does nothing and doesn’t talk to me. Ryan has learned that shutting down really pisses people off and I think he enjoys it at times because it is a form of control. One thing we forget as parents is our children do not have control over their own lives until they are completely on their own.

Shelby can come and go as she pleases but she still tells me when she is leaving and when she will be back, which I appreciate so I do not worry. Ryan used to leave the house and not tell me where he is going and it always scared the shit out of me and worried me to death. I want things to be different when he comes home and I want us to talk to each other instead of getting mad or shutting down and maybe one day I will meet a man who my son respects and can learn from. I’m not looking for a replacement dad or someone else to discipline because that is my job alone and I will continue to do my best by myself.