Going It Alone

Life is difficult but it is even more difficult when you go it alone as you have no one to bounce ideas off of, no one to get in your shit when you need it and no one to lean on when things get tough. It’s not always easy being the one that has to make all the decisions and when they are the wrong ones in someone else’s eyes then you catch hell. They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger but even the strongest person breaks down at times as I did earlier this morning as I thought about my children and how I have worked so hard to get them this far in life.

My son is a troubled child and I wonder how much of a part I have played in regarding where he is at emotionally, I wonder how much pain have I laid on my child and I wonder if his life will be a happy one eventually. I sat here and cried thinking of what I have done wrong and yes I have done so much wrong. My children are what keep me going and when their lives are not happy then neither is mine and Ryan wants to come home so bad  and I want him home but I am so afraid to wake up one morning to find him dead.

I understand his depression and pain but I can never understand the depth of his loss or how it has molded him since Bob passed. You can buy your children everything they want, open doors that would otherwise be closed to them, you can provide for them but you cannot make your children be happy people. We can never make anyone happy by giving, always giving, always smoothing the way and opening doors for them. We must let our children trip and fall and we must stand back and let them for this is what builds character.

I had saved for years for my kids college and Bob pissed every last dime away he could get his hands on and now here I sit wondering how in the fuck I am going to help Shelby get through school without loans. I am trying to sell property so I can pay for her schooling but as usual things always get fucked up for some reason. I have been trying to get the power of attorney papers from my mother’s nursing home and of course I still do not have them six weeks later and I have had no really serious bites on the rv and if the house sells most of my worries will go away.

I have tried to be the best mother I can but I had a shitty role model and so I have to wing a lot of shit with the kids. Shelby has realized how much I have worked and sacrificed but Ryan doesn’t see it as of yet. Shelby does appreciate me and we get along great these days which is such a blessing and I am so fortunate not to have kids involved in drugs and shit. My girlfriend’s son is a heroin addict and he is barely thirty and already has a pace maker because he also has hepatitis C and merca and I do not see him living very much longer.

I think the hardest part of being a parent is when you have to say no to your kids but if you never say no then you are not parenting. I am so afraid that Ryan will come home and be helpful for about two weeks and then go into his shut down mode where he does nothing and doesn’t talk to me. Ryan has learned that shutting down really pisses people off and I think he enjoys it at times because it is a form of control. One thing we forget as parents is our children do not have control over their own lives until they are completely on their own.

Shelby can come and go as she pleases but she still tells me when she is leaving and when she will be back, which I appreciate so I do not worry. Ryan used to leave the house and not tell me where he is going and it always scared the shit out of me and worried me to death. I want things to be different when he comes home and I want us to talk to each other instead of getting mad or shutting down and maybe one day I will meet a man who my son respects and can learn from. I’m not looking for a replacement dad or someone else to discipline because that is my job alone and I will continue to do my best by myself.

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